Crystal Clear

Is it Stealing?

So I don't have the cable guy coming until Saturday. When I am at the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf I am trying to push out the work stuff... so here I sit using some neighbor's unsecured wifi ... is that stealing or is it borrowing? You can't give the stuff back so it really isn't borrowing.. but it is unsecured and it is there.... Well it also is not very reliable... I can get bumped off at any moment as the strength is not very strong. So the update... What a full day and hits just about everything: in the morning field trip with Bryceton's 4th grade class to the Bishop Museum, then to work for a bit, then to a Kym Pine for Representative campaign meeting...The other days have been crazy and extremely physical as well as terribly draining. I cleaned the old place myself and it was just awful to do. I honestly don't know if it was worth it... but the quotes ran around 400$ to have someone else clean it! The new place is... well it is a mess. In a weird mishap I seem to have donated a bag of clothes that was supposed to come HERE and brought the bag to be donated HERE... UGH... So now I need to go buy new lingerie...UGH.... So it is still way to chaotic for me. I don't like not having things put away.  I will admit this is not a glamorous place at all and in some aspects is a military cardboard box with some fresh paint slapped on it... I am now living a pretty good life if you look at it:

• Fantastic PT flexible work with an awesome awesome agency providing healthcare benefits and PTO-supervising GREAT people and great leadership
• 4 bedroom house walking distance to beach and the kids' school which is good by Hawaii standards

Of course "Aunty" Dana who watches the kids when I need her to and  doesn't charge for the times I don't need her is a key piece. On account of her I don't have to work all those extra hours to pay for childcare. I have usually spent around 7-9K a year for childcare. If you figure it out now for afterschool care, it costs about 5$ an hour for me to work when they are out of school just for childcare. And that is cheap. Throw in there the gas, clothes, meals out from being exhausted and getting home late... You really start to see what a godsend my job is as well as Aunty Dana. Because of those two things I am now with my munchkins a phenomenal amount and we are all better off for it.

The kids are just fantastic. Fantastic. In parent teacher conferences  I learned how Nethan has met many of the goals we set for his IEP and Bryceton is just cruising through the 4th grade. He made the cut for the Gifted and Talented Enrichment program here and I am hopeful it will re-spark his love of learning and school. What a huge difference compared to when I was working all the time and rushing through bedtime stories just to get back on the computer to deal with ridiculous as well as largely needless email chases and still struggling  to keep  my head above water.  This all definitely takes a great deal of juggling on my part and there is still a good deal of stress financially  but it is a cross I bear gladly at this point compared to the alternatives.

I Hate Moving

I just hate it. I wonder if anyone likes it... I especially hate it this time (3rd in less than 18 mos.) because it all is falling on me alone. My parents are on the mainland and they have always helped in every move since I had the boys. Friends of their's are going to help on Sunday for a few hours and I am beyond grateful for that but this is just exhausting me...and you know frankly I have a feeling even if I wasn't working right now it would be just about as exhausting. Going to work or sitting down to work is a break from this! The toy room is the biggest headache of all and what frustration to know this must represent thousands of dollars of LEGOs... and of course the number of  Nethan's cars are nothing to sneeze at... let alone my books..I am trying to pick out some toys I can donate while the boys are at school lest they say NO to everytime I pick something up and ask them...I know I shouldn't ask, but I always worry I am going to get rid of that one toy they come looking for the next day.
    I guess that is enough of a vent for now...I sign the lease this afternoon and movers come Saturday morning. Please let this all go smoothly...So double that promise to myself I can't see us moving from here unless I get married or make a phenomenal amount of money and can purchase a home.

Older moms cope with motherhood just fine-What about the Kids?

Older moms cope with motherhood just fine says study.
I have to agree with Dr. Ledger though and think Dr. Steiner is missing the point about motherhood and the child in the equation:

Dr. Bill Ledger from University of Sheffield told London's Independent newspaper that he is concerned for the welfare of the children as their mothers age.

The USC study did not address this aspect of giving birth at a later age.

But Dr. Steiner says the concerns surrounding older mothers may be based on prejudice, rather than evidence.

Motherhood is also about the child. Although women are indeed living longer and are healthier than before, the Kindergartener entering school at 5 years old with a 60 year old mother...they are going  to get seriously tired of responding to the quesiton, "Is that your grandma?"--"No, that's my mom"...uhmmm think about it...that is also where the research and search for evidence needs to go now...Even at 43 I can tell you it is exhausting and requires not just physical energy but mental acuity and memory as well.  I know there are those who will of course counter there are younger women who don't have those or are compromised... well don't go there for this discussion...                                       

Earthquake Rattled More than My Nerves

    So I think I made it Crystal Clear, or at least I hope I did, the quake here yesterday morning was really not that big of a deal. Especially or at least  in comparison to my experience with the Northridge quake in 1994. However, I have to tell you or rather want to tell you, I am nevertheless still very concerned for folks on the big island and others here who may feel their experiences and reactions aren't warranted or they are over reacting since things so quickly have returned to business as usual and there isn't anything in pictures to give credence to their experience like the collapsed Santa Monica freeway or apartment building.

    The quake in 94 was horrendous in mine and everyone I know's memory. I had been through several earthquakes of various sizes and although I didn't like them as many long time residents did, I just took them for granted as part of life there. Northridge changed all of that and also seemed to even change it for the folks who liked them. I truly did think for  I don't recall how many seconds or nanoseconds but it was enough... that I was going to die and more frightening to me at the time... die all alone. It was so terribly violent and it didn't stop. It kept going and going.  It felt like God had taken my little place in his hands, picked it up, and shook it up and down and from left to right repeatedly. It was very loud. A locomotive coming full force into my bedroom. For some reason at some point, I ended up reviewing my journal from that time and I was surprised to also be reminded as well that it seemed like the earth did not stop moving for days and then weeks. No matter what you were doing you were on guard for a very long time. It seemed like life would never be normal again. For years after,I would look at porcelain and glass nick nacks and all I could think about was they would never make it through an earthquake and weren't worth having. I wouldn't take possession of priceless family heirlooms as I didn't want to have to ever face sweeping them up like all the glass I had that day.  I left an IMAX movie that included footage of the SF quake as it was too much for me. So here I sit again and want to share regarding PTSD:

The results suggest that the psychological consequences of earthquakes can be serious and long-standing even when the magnitude of the earthquake is moderate. Psychological treatments that have been proven to reduce fear and PTSD symptoms need to be made available to the survivors. Such treatments may also increase the survivors' psychological preparedness and emotional resilience in view of future earthquakes.

I think that is so true. At Clinicas with some Federal?? funds I think, we developed an Equake team that dealt with the kids in Filmore in the schools.  I worry for the kids here. I worry as I have serious qualms with the mental health services provided and received here. For myself,now everything is back to normal and the power is on,  it has brought back some very  bad memories of terrifying fear. Silly. Yes... and no. One of those silly things I have kept in my mind to keep me safe...or at least the pretense I am safe..is that I wouldn't ever have to go through something like THAT again...now that wishful thinking is slightly shattered...

    Silly perhaps as well, but as we walked back across the street yesterday from the Hilton to the condo, I thought about what if this is the last day I have with my boys, what would I want to do?, what have I not done I want to do?  I am glad beyond words and thus why this is under the category of Single Motherhood....I was able to even wonder: ...with my boys. My take on these things is that it is truly the best thing you can take from them...what would you want to do or do differently? I knew from Northridge I did NOT want to die alone or at least in the sense I did NOT want to die without having children and being a mother. It was about a year and a half later before I'd get the next major wake up call and almost die in surgery and finally move forward with single motherhood. But it also can defintitely be traced back to the quake. So this time...this quake.. well those thoughts are somewhat relatively personal and yet some Crystal Clear.. Single motherhood is not very easy and I wouldn't suggest it for anyone as a first choice but as far as the hand I have been dealt in life... I definitely came out a winner with two of the most wonderful, beautiful, smart, loving, special, and funny sons I or you ever could have imagined.

Twas the Night Before School

'Twas the night before school started! '

Twas the night before school started
When all through the town The parents were cheering. It was a riotous sound.

By eight the kids were washed
And tucked into bed
When memories of homework
Filled them with dread

New pencils, new folders,
New notebooks, too,
New teachers, new friends-
Their anxiety grew.

The parents just giggled
When they learned of this fright
And shouted, "Upstairs!
GO TO BED! IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT!"

I think having Friday be a parent/student orientation and meet & greet with the teachers was a brilliant idea. Nevertheless, it is funny how our time has been rather unstructured the past few weeks and now we are thrown right back into a whirlwind of events.

So both boys are bathed and in bed at just a tad bit later than I would prefer. I usually have them start a school night bedtime a few days ahead of time after a break. And 6...yes SIX alarms are set at intervals to get us up on time... I know it sounds pathetic but Nethan is really the only early riser and even then he usually picks the weekend to get up early.Clothes are all set in their little closet cubicles for the week (great thing I bought that is a godsend), Bryceton's backpack is already in the car and both the camcorder and digital camera are ready to go.

We have decided to have breakfast together the three of us at the school this year which will be a very nice little thing we can do to start our day off in a good way. It also will save clean up time and get us a nice parking space to boot! Both boys will be having warm lunch so no worries there.

The suitcases are ready to be filled for the cruise and there are piles of clothes ready to fill them. I had planned on being packed by tonight but the house was really awful and needed a deeper cleaning. More times than not it feels like we are camping in doors. I remind myself this is a tropical place...daily...if not hourly. I also remind myself Geckos are friends not lizards...After all they eat the bugs that bother me more than the geckos. I much prefer Geckos to cockroaches, ants, and the dreaded centipede. Ohh and those centipedes are really nasty buggers. They are so large they are more like a small animal than a bug...You can hear them click their little legs...Creepy...

I have started to load up the ipod but it is very bittersweet since my external hard drive crashed several days ago. The hard drive housed all of my mp3s as well as the vast majority of every digital picture I have ever taken ... I have someone who is going to try to recover the data so I have stopped weeping at least for now but it probably won't be in time for the cruise. I have for reading. Not quite light reading but oh well. If you have some suggestions for me to take along, please let me know. I love to read books suggested by others no matter the type. In fact the best books have always come from someone else. So please share with me your top picks. Otherwise I do have a few others to take along as well. Before kids I would have needed about a book a day... now with kids it is always hard to know how many to pack. I am figuring 3 for a seven day cruise. Then again there is the internet and weather factor too! If the weather is bad I am likely to be in the internet cafe surfing and blogging away.

I am so very pleased and relieved my grandfather is indeed coming on the trip. I know he has some anxiety about the trip but it would not have been right to not have him with us and I really feel he needed to go as much for all of us as for himself. I mean how could we possibly describe to him the fun it is going to be to have all of us at the family night club? Nethan and Heather are both dancers. And I have to tell you, Nethan doesn't just like dancing... he is honestly good at it. The boys got riddim, far more rhythm than myself or his brother.

The first of those 6 alarms is going to go off far sooner than later so the packing and trip preparations will have to wait a few more hours.Send in those book suggestions!

Hodge Podge

Whoa what a day...in the interest of trying to head off my recent bout of awful insomnia, I thought I would dump it all here.
    So here we go...It is nice to feel appreciated... I don't know if I really am but it feels like it right now at my new employer and that is very nice.I will definitely take it..Being a mental health professional has far more going for it in many ways for me than an Execuative. Especiallly as far as quality of life is concerned. It really reminds me of what it is like to come out of an abusive relationship where your sense of self was slowly attacked and demeaned and degraded over time with seemingly simple little things but they all add up to leave you demoralized and detached from your true self. Abusive relationships have a way of making you question whether the sky really is blue.... They see gray. They see clouds. You see sun but insidiously over time...not in a bang against the head you can defend and rationalize reasonably and run away quickly ..but slowly their poison invades and seeps into your life and your mind and soul and self..Terribly trying to remain sane when you are in an abusive relationship. Although movies of the week would have you believe these abusive partners come with a blaring neon warning sign.. they don't. Very few people are complete 100% monsters. The vast majority are not evil  or evil all the time. They always have good points too. Perhaps the most sad part is they never recognize themselves as abusive. They truly do think they are right and that is the way things are done. They think if you could just behave the way they want you to behave there would be no problems. Having been caught up in their small little world, staying on the offensive as a defensive tactic they are not fluid or open or flexible. They find it hard to listen or question or answer your opinions and points as it would rock their very sense of self and thus their world. Truly the options are to end up depressed, psychotic, or to leave.
So you leave, you initially are joyous at the realization the sun really and truly is bright. You start to regain your sense of self and trust in your ability to be happy again. You don't cringe or feel you are walking on egg shells waiting for the next shoe to fall. However, in this case , out of Crystal Clear necessity, ending back in a work situation, you start to feel anxious and a bit uncomfortable when things do go smoothly and sanely as you can't quite trust it really is ok. After all at first you thought the other place was going to be ok too.... Very very unsettling. Same thing for women/men after they leave a domestic violence situation. Definitely a form of brainwashing and definitely a need for detox.

Bryceton & Nethan will both officially start school on Monday. Today there was an orientation at the school and a meet and greet the teacher. As Nethan just qualified for Special Ed yesterday, he wasn't completely and officially enrolled yet so we didn't know what classroom will be his. Both boys are excited Nethan will be at school there too. Very very cute. Adorable. I can't quite fathom Bryceton is a 4th grader. Holy Shiznit. And Nethan... my little babylicious.. my baby is off spending the night all by himself with Grandma and Grandpa. Bryceton is with a friend  and here I sit... preparing for the cruise  and trying to repair the damage they can effortlessly inflict...and well playing with my new cell phone.

    For a bit, I have started to feel very uncomfortable here on my own blog. Initially and still for a very large part, this was and is a fantastic place for support and for genuine thought provoking conversations with people who differ in their opinions from my own. However, at some point it ruined it and seriously spoiled it for me. Context for some reason is/was completely lost or misconstrued by some...whether on purpose or stupidity..Of course other bloggers completely get it ...The others don't or won't and ... well my best guess of an answer is jealousy and pettiness. But jealous and petty people can inflict serious strife and there is a risk involved in blogging I never ever anticipated and won't sign on for! It shouldn't have to concern me. I have thought about different scenarios...and the most appealing at this point in time was to take the most personal posts to a very anonymous blog.... and to continue here with the usual as well as delving off into some more creative aspecats of blogging such as vlogging and podcasting...So that is what I am thinking of right now... allows me the creative space to put together some multimedia presentations and those of you who know me and care for me in the blogosphere sense of the word can email me and gain access to the topsecret blog...

Sorry is NOT the Hardest Word

Crystal Clear, "NO" ranks right up there.

• NO, there are more important things to do than search through my email to prove I did something or find you didn't send me something you thought you did or tell you I haven't heard anything yet or playing the CYA game
• NO, being exempt does not mean you take precedence over my children,sleep or health day after day, and week after week, for months at a time. There are definitely times of crisis and push. Three out of four weeks is not "times", it is an anxious way of operating I won't do.
• NO, just because I would do something differently does not mean I am inept, incompetent, or that your way is correct. In fact if you checked with me you might think my way made sense or even more sense.
• NO, you are never going to find someone to do the things I can do with my expertise, education, and experience that can do all you are asking and still live congruently with personal values of family and children. Frankly, I seriously doubt you can find someone with my mixture of experience and education who would take this on. And if you did...guess what they'd have a personality style too
• NO, it is better to come directly to me and clarify what you thought was understood than to ask someone else and engage in office gossip. I thank you for the opportunity and am probably refreshingly to you, able to say, Oops! or I am so sorry and never place blame or responsibility on another person without a context or systemic understanding of why something probably happened.

I am guessing you can see pretty well what is going on here. Not too many worries though. Nope...not too many...Faith is strong and God has a plan...I won't fight it..

And by the way... Bryceton finished 3rd grade today! I am so sorry his third grade ended up being such a waste of time for him. At end of scool last year he was reading at about 4-5th grade level and he leaves 3rd grade at about 5th grade level. Writing skills not much  better and his math is still amazing but still made no serious gains as he should have. Things this next year will hopefully be better as I have a suspicion it was largely the teacher who was just happy he was in the proficient level or whatever the hell they call it ... no context for them... nope.. just within the area.

My parents are back from  Phx now and the three of us here are soooooo happy. Last night we saw "Over the Hedge" the  movie sucked but how nice to share Nethan's hearty laughter with them. They also remarked how grown up Bryceton is looking and how well Nethan is doing with his speech despite there being ongoing concerns he is delayed...Bryceton is excited he will get to spend the next week with them just sleeping and vegging and watching TV and playing game cube before starting day camp. For me it means a bit more sleep for a week and a whole lot less nagging. I have a feeling Nethan will feel a whole lot differently though as he still continues to worship Bryceton. He adores him. He hugs on him  and kisses him and Bryceton...well he reciprocates most of the time unless it involves Yu-gi-oh or a neighbor friend is available. Both boys are just such a KICK to be around  when I keep them FIRST.

Tears Tears Tears...

     It would be easy to say TEARS about my birthday on Friday...and easy to say TEARS about all that is going on and not going on at work...but what a heartbreaker to share  our afternoon was spent in consoling Bryceton who was crying about his friend August, visiting from Ventura with his mom, leaving us...
    It was as if the tears that should have fallen last year when we left finally made it to his tear ducts. The sobbing. The wailing. The pleading he wanted to go back to Ventura. The pleading. Missing his friends and missing his school. Can not of course say I blame him. Not one bit.I most definitely miss his school and have my own tears in need of falling.
    I have been asked a couple of times by my mom if I am sorry I moved from Mexifornia. I am not sorry. As a good friend from across the distance recently  reminded me , I just haven't necessarily found the right match for myself and my boys.
    I am not used to this and I don't like it. I genuinely want to love my organization.  I also know I don't need to sit here miserable. God has a plan of that I am confident.  I ask daily for his wisdom in helping me see the path and stay on it. Tears need to fall and many of them still for my beloved grandma. How long is long enough to grieve? I know the way I answered that as a therapist. Doesn't help a whole lot right now.
Tangential? Yes. Heartfelt? Yes.
This is what happens when you don't post for a month.

Let's Have a Cuppa Java

Been messing around with my sidebars adding some bling and thought I'd throw this out there for my readers...If you enjoy my blog how about treating me to a Starbuck's Mocha while I blog. The link is on the left side..If there is something you want me to blog about, just note it! Crystal Clear a link to your blog is included ...and my treat next time you are in Hawaii!

You Know You are a Single Mom When...

• You are more worried about the cost of your surgery than how much pain you will be in afterwards...
• You are more anxious about how much work you are missing and all the work you will face upon your return than remembering no one expects you to read email or return calls for a few days...
• You pack Hotwheel cars for Nethan and make certain Bryceton brings his gameboy but you forget your own socks...
• You are more upset about not having mowed the lawn than realizing you could have come home with one less ovary or not come home at all...
• You would rather be in pain than sleeping because truth be told this really is extra time with the boys and they can make a heckuva mess in less than thirty minutes...
• You see surgery as having a couple days to have your mom take care of you and feed you comfort food like homemade Tapioca pudding and not have the default feeling of you should be doing laundry or cleaning or working...

Yes, I made it out with keeping the ovary. I am concerned about having a doctor so bright as to tell me surgery results when I was just coming out of anesthesia but not take time to speak to my mom who was waiting anxiously...for HOURS...The nurses ended up paging him to speak with me  again as I had no reccollection of what he'd said to me. DUH...He said there was a great deal of adhesions, scarring, and endometriosis but they took care of it. I am hoping this will mean and take this to mean the pain will be gone for years...

Right now I am "on" the Prct and have to tell you it ain't doing a damn thing for the pain or discomfort AND there is no High either.... I never did "get" pain killers as a High... Nevertheless, I am glad it is over and am really hopeful this ends the largely unwritten/unspoken  pain I have endured for quite a while. I am also hopeful this is part of the "trend" I feel a far as turning the corner on some very big challenges the past few weeks with my Grandma's death, RFPs, COA, and my job in genral. Crystal Clear ...never a dull or void moment.

I Miss Being a Therapist

At first I was surprised I didn't miss it very much. Now as I suffer the throes of crazy-making people, double binds, and office politics... I realize what I miss most about being a therapist.

I miss not having so many moments in a day where I feel inept and incompetent. I miss not having to be "on" so much and so guarded around people.

I am for the most part a very genuine person. I also am through and through a very very honest person when it comes to NOT telling lies. I don't have problems saying , Yep, I screwed up. I made a mistake or I didn't know or I forgot or I let it slip through the cracks...However, I am hating how often it seems to be happening with this job. The other part of being a therapist is that you spend far more time being with people. I just can't get into taking all this paperwork stuff so darn seriously. I really believe the proof is in the pudding. Treatment isn't good because of paperwork and procedures. All the procedures in the world don't ensure good treatment. Well enough for tonight... I miss my old job and I miss being me in my old job.

Get Me Some of That

Several longtime readers wrote over the past few days asking about us and well it seemed like the time to indulge myself..How sad is that? Writing on my blog is considered indulging myself?

At first the comments about me handling my job and doing well seemed so strange to me because I don't feel like I am handling it very well. Of course there are moments where I feel ok and fine and it is a great match. However there are just as many moments in the past week or so where I am just absolutely overwhelmed I am going to not make the grade and am not going to make it past my trial period of six months. I don't think it is my personality flaws that are necessarily getting in the way either. I think it is a phenomenally difficult albeit challenging position. I am the third person in 2 years. My boss is the last person to have held this position for any length of time which adds its own dimension to it. Then throw in the part that I am sleeping in bed with the two boys and living with my parents and have a 45 minute commute and my thyroid meds are off and well ...I think I am doing quite well. Just maybe not good enough for their needs...then again the length of time it takes to recruit a new person ...and accreditation and RFPs coming up...well they might best be stuck with me and working with me...Frankly at this point I have just decided to find my own way through it... I think it is a good match. I like the work I am doing. I think I am uniquely qualified and unless they find a single woman with no kids with my experience...they would best to stick it out with me as well. Also as a side note, if and when I get the Hawaii license as a Marriage Family Therapist , I will have solid job security and marketability.

Biggest news is Nethan starts Pre-school tomorrow.What an event this shall be considering he just fell asleep on my lap about 10 minutes ago and it is midnight...He will definitely be better off on most every account. I just still can't help but worry and be concerned about the long days he will have ahead of him. I also wonder about him and his stubbornness in fitting in and dealing with their schedule. He is definitely head strong and very stubborn. For November he will be going three days a week. That is terrific in my book. By December he will be full time.

The home I want is not available for unknown number of MONTHS.No reasonable explanation. Looks fine except it is missing washer and dryer but the mgt company/dev't company  won't release it. Because of the stress of living here and it is by all accounts by all individuals stressful..I have decided to take another unit which is a duplex with the plan to move to the other unit in several months. This will either help things a great deal or will push me right over the edge.

My other blogging news is that I am about to also be involved with the Hawaii Association of Marriage and Family Therapists as a member of a team of spokespeople regarding mental health issues in Hawaii. Highly likely I will also be a board member. As I will be preparing and presenting testimony, I anticipate writing it up here on my blog and getting feedback and certainly having readers email the legislators wouldn't hurt either. So look forward to that. Which also falls into line with my realization back when I  was looking for work, I write better and think better when I am blogging. It helps me get past the writer's block and makes writing and communicating much easier. Not to mention, I like blogging, I miss blogging, and I really enjoy and treasure the relationships I have developed. The support and interest mean a great deal when I feel like I have the past week or so......very very lonely...very very alone...So don't write me completely off...

Full Battery

Yes, a full battery. Last night I started to post and I could barely get it to post I was alive. Tonight it is strange to be back to posting. True to form there are 164 billion things I should be doing and yes... I know I am exaggerating. Gimme a break.. it is after all my blog.

A week or even two days ago I would have told you this blog was a done deal. I just couldn't keep it up any longer even though I still wanted to keep it and really didn't want to end it. Last night and tonight are different in that I am trying something a bit different in comparison to the past 6 weeks or so. I need to spill... I need to connect. The connections I am making at work are not of the type I can spill the beans and connect on a personal and meaningful level....

First off I owe a huge apology to the Cotillion gals as I had a post with all the links and write ups ready to post and then somehow closed it and left it in draft status thinking I had posted it...I also didn't have the keys to our/their spot on mu.nu. How awful to have let so many wonderful women down. Part of what has stopped me from posting in addition to the new job is that back on October 8,2005 I sat for the Marriage Family Therapist license here in Hawaii. After being licensed in Ca for 10 years you wouldn't think it should have been such a big deal. However, it was a big deal since I had the new job and the test had a very different focus than the licensing exam I took in Ca back in 1995. I put in as much study time as I could fit but I won't know if I passed or failed for another month or so. I am not placing any bets on whether I passed or failed. I just know if I have to take it again next year I will most definitely pass.

As for the rest of the update. We are still living with my very patient and loving parents in their 2 bedroom condo. I have about an hour commute each way most days. Some days I stay here in Honolulu and the drive is about as bad as driving out to Ewa. Poor Nethan is in desperate need of playing with other kids but the preschool at my work won't have an opening for him for another month or two. Poor grandma, as she is held hostage by a beautiful but demanding youngster who is very ...TWO....Poor grandpa as he has his home slowly being consumed by toys and the clutter of children.Although Bryceton seems to have made a better adjustment to school than he had a month or so ago, he is still not as happy with his friends and learning as he was at Open Classroom.

Here you can see all of us at a wonderful and extravagant meal at Nick's Fishmarket to celebrate my job. My job is amazing. On one hand it is a really great match for my skills and experience. On the other hand it is an amazing amount of work and responsibility with a very steep learning curve. The more difficult challenges lately seem to be dealing with my tendency to get totally and completely wrapped up in things that have no ending and to feel guilty for doing things that take care of "me". No the blog is not what I am thinking of in this case...In this case it is enjoying my boys. Being with my boys is taking care of "me" in a way I hadn't realized until the past week or so.I love them so much and in the day to day life lately of scrambling around I almost lost how much I enjoy them and enjoy being their mom. The day to day stuff has to be enjoyed and currently it is very hard meshing it in with this job.

I found us a place to rent that is a whole other interesting story. I have been so busy I haven't even been able to find time to email the head of the development corp. to see why my unit (which I qualified for and gave them a check for on 9/19/05) is sitting there empty , only missing a washer and dryer. Time tics away so I will somehow find the time tomorrow to call them in Texas and then try to post the story tomorrow night. My writing is quite disjointed I am sure but hey...I never promised you a coherent update...I don't know if I promised you anything but I do know I can sleep a bit better tonight knowing there might be a few comments to cheer me tomorrow night.

Operation Hula for the Moola COMPLETED!

Show Me the Money Part 2

Hard time believing how much has happened since last time I posted. I still have not fixed the laptop and am most likely just going to re-format the hard drive. Until that happensm, I am here writing on my dad's computer.

The job search has taken an amazing and humorous swing. I am now at this point being seriously considerd for 3 positions. Each of the three positions I would take and feel very good about doing so. Not the best of my grammar on this post and not wanting to take time to edit I am going to outline a great deal of what is going on inside me head and in my life:

• Last Wednesday interview for a position with a start-up org that has a contract with state to provide housing and what not for a portion of the SMI population here. I could tell this woman wanted me. This job is a great match in that I know "group home" stuff and this is group home stuff for adults. I would have a great deal responsibility and liked the woman who would be my supervisor. Great eventual probability for moving into position of CEO. Obvious ability to me to make a difference in the lives of people here who desperately need services. Great feeling as I left. Money talk was left at that I shared with them the salary portion of what I was previously making.They were to call Wednesday with the complete offer and information concerning benefits package. Today I receieved a call saying they were considering me seriously for the position but things were being tweaked a bit and want me to meet with the team and I will get a call next Monday.
• Job 2- Position with the Army as an Adolescent Substance Abuse Counselor. This is actually my "favorite" position. Also honestly the easiest of the three. I have wayyyyyyyyyy more experience than necessary. Also most likely the lowest paying position even though I would go in at at least a Grade 11 with a 25% COLA adjustment for Hawaii. I had an hour 1/2 interview Monday morning and will meet with the woman who'd be my supervisor on Thursday morning. I already had a brief interview with her through a personal contact here so this is more of a formality than true interview. She definitely wants me and the company is in great need to fill not one but 2 positions to be in compliance with their contract. After this interview there is a meeting with a bigger whig in Montana.
• Job 3-This is the wild card position. I was surprised it went as well as it did and that they are moving as quickly as they are...I am so honored and impressed with myself I am even being considered for it. Unfortunately it is largely an administrative position and I wouldn't have the clinical experience with clients. Fortunately I would working with the largest and oldest NPO in Hawaii in the position of Director of Mental Health Services.... This is a fantastic opportunity. Fantastic. Great deal of stress and pressure but I believe after doing this position with this organization and of course doing it with  Crystal Clear style for several years that I would be able to get any number of different positions here or anywhere. The money is yet to be settled but they have checked my references and had requested today's 2nd interview before I had even pulled into the parking lot. Taking into account this is Hawaii, and that is now obvisouly the perspective I must take as I am now in Hawaii... the salary is a good salary for a Hawaii NPO director position.

So there you have it... Most likely the next post will have me posting either a) I have a position and have been hired or b) have receieved an offer and am trying to stall until I can get a higher firm offer from one of the other two... I would take any of these three jobs. If money was the same in all of them I would take the easiest one which is with the Army...but as the single and only financial provider for myself and the boys... the one with the best financial offer is most likely to get me unless the difference is negligible...Definitely exciting exciting stuff....Very exciting. only dampened a bit by the fact that Bryceton is not having the easiest of transitions into school and making friends here. It is getting better and I know it is good for him to face this but he is a great kid who is used to things coming easily to him and so this is a bit of an eye opener. I received the letter yesterday that he did indeed qualify for the Gifted and Talented Program in Ventura. As they don't have a comparable program here in Hawaii, it won't mean much as far as getting him into a program here. Thus things are and will be great for me but it won't mean a whole helluva lot if Bryceton isn't happy and thriving and doing great. Also all three of these jobs are great in that they would be located in areas a great deal more affordable than Waikiki. However, that also means Bryceton will have to go through this difficulty AGAIN... I hate to do that to him...but it so much more affordable and better quality of life out of Honolulu...Please return... I also have another humorous side story and endeavor I want to share in my next post...and please keep me in your prayers. I have thanked and thanked and thanked God for these opportunities and I am truly blessed to be waiting the outcomes... Definitely  more excitement than anxiety but I dont' have any experience in trying to negotiate a higher salary...I do know my gutt was right last week when I had a feeling I would be employed within 2 weeks....So looks like President Adams was correct after all.....

Show Me the Money

       Believe it or not...and I am sure you do... I posted last night about  the interviews I have had but  I didn't get to save it before the laptop lost power. Makes for a very tangential and stream of consciousness post tonight...In fact I almost thought about calling this post the Friendship Edition...
    I have been putting myself  "out there" for lack of a better words. I am an alum of Thunderbird, The Garvin School of International Management. Thunderbird is extremely well known for it's networking. In fact in many cities across the world there is a gathering of T-birds every last Tuesday of the month. I myself have been to T-bird Tuesdays in Glendale, Japan, Hong Kong, LA, and Cincinnati. I have a bazillion stories about the mystique of the T-Bird connection and 6 degrees of separation but they aren't important this evening. What is important to me tonight is that I have started the process of making friends. Not the friends you meet because your kids go to the same school and not the friends you make by sitting in front of your computer screen which of course are wonderful but not the same... but friends in the sense of friends and networking. It was fun and unusual, in fact HIGHLY unusual for me to have several hours with grown-ups and not talk about our kids.Although this was a part of why I moved to Hawaii since I have the best of all babysitters right here..a.k.a grandparents it was really even more enjoyable and interesting than I had hoped.

    As far as the job and interviewing update...The first interview on Tuesday went quite well. I am surprised I have not had a call for a 2nd interview. I say that all the while wanting to let you know it was a ton more work and responsibility and a great deal less money than I was making in Mexifornia. There was an extra interview thrown in on Wednesday late afternoon with Salvation Army Family Treatment Services. I have had a quasi job offer and was quite flustered when she called. Flustered because frankly I have never had to turn a job down and have never had to negotiate a salary. The offered salary is grossly grossly grossly grossly ....you get the picture right...less than I was making. Furthermore it was not much more than I was making with  3....yes THREE years experience and I have almost 15 now...Today I had the interview for Safe Haven with Mental Health Kokua. Honestly I don't think the interview went extremely well. I could definitely do the job, I am qualified for the job, but the place didn't seem like a great place to work. Salary was never mentioned. Afterwards I stopped by a Head Hunter's office. Scuttlebutt is it is the best on the island. After a bit of brief review of my resume, we set an appointment for Monday. This may be the way for me to try and make a transition out of social services with my skills and M.B.A and  make a decent liveable salary. Later in the afternoon I received a call for an interview for a Public Policy Coordinator position with the Hawaii State Coalition Against Dometic Violence . I find it exciting to think about that one. I wouldn't even begin to think it would pay enough but I really look forward to learning about their work and organization.

   As you can see there is definitely progress. Crystal Clear my resume is strong enough to be getting interviews and my interviewing isn't as bad as I had imagined since I already have one strong quasi offer. Unfortunately it now is really going to come down to the money....It just ain't here...There are always going to be people it seems willing to take less money than Crystal to live in paradise.  I am not downhearted for very long...Adjustments will be made and things will work out...I haven't lost faith and I honestly, no matter how many times I hear from people about how much less the salaries are here, have not regretted moving here or looked back...Nope I knew in my gutt for my boys and myself I had to get out of there...and now we are here...and I will succeed. Just needs time to ....Crystallize...Yep...time to Crystallize...

Shhh...They All are Asleep

and of course I should be asleep as well but I just thought I would take a moment to recap even if briefly some of my thoughts and feelings...More resumes out and a bit of response...I couldn't enroll Bryceton in school because the receptionist didn't have the doctor's form filled out for us to take. Nice to know now though that neither of my munchkins has been exposed to TB...Nethan's latest GI is back to the start in her thinking in that she thinks Nethan is holding onto his poop. I kid you not. Believe me when you read you do not want to know what our mornings are like now...painful for everyone and most of all for Nethan...I had Dr. Boles the Geneticist from CHELLA fax his report to her because I can't quite explain to her what he shared with me. She said she spoke with Dr. Derdoy and that he is back to wondering with her if Nethan doesn't have a bad bad bad horrid case of Functional Fecal Retention. I have to tell you and if you have followed this story on Nethan, you know I think this is a crock of... well...shit. Babies that young can't hold onto their poop and he has had a big distended tummy from the start...I  guess we just try it for a few more weeks...Weighs so terribly heavy on my mind and heart...He is so damn sweet and funny...Stubborn yes...but what if he isn't holding on to his poop...Unbelievable we are here over 2 years and he is only going to the bathroom because of an adult prescription laxative that is now doubled and tripled daily...

Bad Bad Blogger

I am beginning to wonder if I don't need to shut this blog down until I get a job. The stress of looking for work with no true support around me IRL would seem to be reason to keep it going but I have so many other things I want to blog about as well and the conflict inside is just a bit too much for me right now. I am not going to do it immediately because I am up for hostessing bonfire of the vanities in a few weeks and I love being a part of the Cotillion, The Wide Awakes, Round the Reader, and want to blog on Chris Short's Conservative Thinking blog...so I can't quite give it all up... Just find me a well-paying job and things will come together... That is the ticket you know...if I have a job then I have income and my family will lessen the pressure and then when I am not working I can blog as looking for a place to live won't take as much time as looking for work....I do have a couple things brewing as far as work but no interviews set up yet.... This week I was hoping and am going to try my best to bump up my efforts another notch but Nethan has a follow-up appointment with the GI (that is a whole other post I really should do...) and a Speech Therapist appointment, Bryceton has his Ped appointment to get his school physical and then I need to enroll him in school...oh and I still have not set up a checking account and closed the other or completely set up my quicken to pay bills.... So these type of things really seem to throw me out of the looking for employment mode... I will fight the battle...Just wish I could blog more... Really do... I know it will come again... It will and then I will be back surfing around the blogosphere just like good ol' times...and posting about Take Back the Memorial and how this infidel has a lot to make Crystal Clear to those bumbling terrorists and of course...the one that still weighs heavily on my mind and soul ...several times a day it seems....Terri Schiavo...Gone but never... ever forgotten..

Operation Hula for the Moola...

    Blogging through Project Aloha was so very helpful to me personally. I really appreciated the comments of support. And so it seems  like time for a  personal update.  We have now been  here in Hawaii  for a month and I have several observations. First off, it is amazing how much better I feel when I am on my body's schedule as far as the sleep-wake cycle. Of course not having to get up and get myself and the kids ready for "the day" must play a part as well. Physically and stress wise these past few weeks have been about as good as they get.

    Although I sent out a couple of resumes a few weeks back, I really have not been spending any considerable energy on finding a job. Pretty much I have been spending my time being a SAHM,settling in, and enjoying the boys. Unfortunately we have only been to the beach three times and that is a shame. It just feels completely wrong to go to the beach when I should be looking for work (even though of course I haven't used the time to look for work). As any SAHM will tell you the days just fill themselves up. I have taken care of things like doctor appointments, registering the car, and chauffeuring my mother around for the amazing amount of grocery shopping we seem to need to do.

    My concerns about living with my parents have for the most part been for naught. My mom has really been great. Great. Of course there are times and they have increasing lately but the times have not been as lengthy or as intense as I feared. Once again it is most likely because my stress level is so low I have the patience and energy to weather the storms. This past week the pressure to look for work from my parents has considerably and understandably increased.

 

     As a single mom it seems to me there are times I experience what I refer to as the Father/Husband/Masculine stressors more than others. I am far more comfortable and competent with the Mother/Wife/Feminine stressors than the other. The stress of not having a job, not knowing how long it is going to take to find a job, concerns on how much a job will pay, and the unpleasantness of looking for a job are far more present now than they were a week ago when I was dealing with Nethan's new Ped GI.

    The fears are here and the fears are very real. Initially when I started this post my intentions were to write more about Nethan and his GI update, the anxiety, and my plans for achieving the goal of a well-paying job. Only now it is after 8 a.m and time to get back to the things I didn't finish yesterday.

Project Aloha-Day 34...The 'You Really Like Me' Edition

I am quite relieved I didn't post my to-do list for Monday on Sunday's edition. I am just awful at consistently underestimating how long things will take to get accomplished. What an embarrassment. For about 10 must do items on my list I only accomplished 3 of them completely and 2 of them partially. Today I accomplished the following:

• Told my boss-
• For some reason I had not even thought about her response or the clinic's response to me leaving. After a discussion with my previous boss who still works at the clinic, he encouraged me to ask for a leave of absence and believed the clinic would  do right by me. Frankly I really thought the clinic would be greatly relieved to be rid of me. I am one of 2 therapists who are on a salary with benefits basis. All of the other therapists are on an hourly basis with no benefits at all.
• I was a bit taken aback and quite moved by her response. At the end of our conversation she actually came from around her desk to give me a HUG. For all the years I have known her, I have never seen her exhibit a spontaneous kind emotion. I don't deal with her very often but my experience is by no means unique to me. She has extremely flat affect and is extremely difficult to engage in any dialogue. In summary, things could not have gone better. They are going to pay me my vacation time on my last day AND I am welcomed back AT ANY POINT IN TIME in the future. That is really something. It was quite Crystal Clear to me she was very sorry to see me go and really wishes me and my boys the very best. I also had no clue as to how much holding in telling the clinic I am leaving has been weighing on me. I felt as if 10,000 pounds had been lifted off of me when I headed back to my office. I still am not quite clear on what happens regarding my health insurance but this was a wonderful way to begin my exit out the doors I entered 10 years ago.

•     Told the group home teens-
• This alone could be an entire post by itself. You might be surprised to know the teen boys took my leaving much harder than the teen girls. This is a very touchy and difficult experience for most clients let alone foster kids who have had to constantly deal with issues of loss and abandonment for their entire lives. I am pretty certain I am quite the anomaly as far as a therapist and Clinical Director for group home teens. I have been with the CARE group homes for almost 6 years. Frankly, most therapists can not hang and just do not enjoy working with this population. I believe most therapist like to work with people who want to participate in therapy. We most enjoy working with people who want to and can make changes in their lives. These kids can be and generally are quite brutal when you start working with them. I myself when I first started working with them used to leave the facilities feeling completely poisoned. That is even the word I used back then. Poisoned. Poisoned, poisoned, poisoned. I am a pretty tough cookie and I really didn't think I was going to be able to make it. I used to come home, take a shower, and bitch and moan to anyone who  would listen. I started seriously looking for a job almost immediately when I was assigned to the group homes. It took about 3 1/2  months to get into the swing of things and really come to appreciate the opportunity I was presented. If you haven't guessed by now... I now embrace the situation and the work. I often have thoughts that perhaps I didn't end up as a stay-at-home mom because I was meant to work and meant to work with this very challenging population of angry and hurting teens. Oh the times still come when I wonder about the work I do and try to do...those times actually come quite often...Whether I am grandiose or not in the perception of my work with these kids...I do know I have tried my absolute best. Without a single doubt, I have tried my very very best and I know in my heart and have heard with my very own ears... I have most definitely made a difference in more than a handful of lives.

• Told Scott, Bryceton's classroom teacher on Fridays, I would not be able to volunteer on Fridays any longer.
  
  • This was actually one of the hardest phone calls to make. I don't get paid for this work but it is a commitment I made not only to Bryceton but his classmates and Scott as well. The flyer that came home yesterday about the upcoming classroom campout on the 19th  really slapped me out of my overwhelmedness. I had really thought until this past weekend I might be able to swing the beach campout. I hate camping but Bryceton loves it and I know it makes memories for a lifetime. But when I really thought about all I have to do...largely by my lonesome over the next 34 days... I felt  I really needed the time on those Fridays. Bryceton took it quite well and Scott was wonderful. He hoped and asked we might be able to make at least part of the campout events He reassured me I have been "there" more than I haven't and he was very understanding and supportive. What a relief. I hate letting people down and I really hate hate hate breaking commitments I make. Really disturbs me on a profound level. If I don't have my word...what do I have..? That is guilt I will just have to bear and try to learn from...

    So there you have it. I think I have spent so much time worrying about all that has to be done to get the hell out of here that I have stupidly and am stupidly missing out on something very important in life outside my beloved sons. I have been so consumed with myself and the boys that I have somehow lost knowing and feeling I actually mean something to the other people in my life. I am actually ashamed and freaked out it still is not completely registering with me how important I am to some people. How sad it is that it takes my leaving for people who care for me and for people I do care for to realize we at some earlier point in time created and achieved something heartfelt and amazing. Having written that last sentence... I still am struck by the thought I can't quite grasp meaning much to anyone besides Bryceton and Nethan. I am not saying I don't believe it ...Last week I knew my blog would be "missed"...or I think I knew it would matter to a few...I just am going to really give more of this some thought and would like to invite you to do the same.

    Thinking about your own experience of feeling your life has meaning to people in your own life, do you feel it ? Do you know it? If so...Please share with me how you feel it and how you know it.

Project Aloha-Day 36...The There Have Been Things to Do Edition

    Mahalo to Beth for doing such an outstanding job of minding the place while I have been away and quite busy. I knew I could count on her to keep you amused, entertained, and of course thinking...while I was away with Nethan.

    Nethan had the tests mentioned in this post. As I am back to trying to get accustomed to this POS keyboard I am directing you there instead of trying to type the darn things again. In a strange good way and strange bad way, the tests did seem to show nothing obviously wrong with Nethan. After the tests, Nethan had a very hard time coming out of the anesthesia. He is back to being his lovable and charming and otherwise highly opinionated self now but it was not very easy the rest of Thursday or the past two nights.

    Dr. Derdoy actually asked when he was telling us about what he saw and what might be going on with Nethan if the neurologist had ever considered a muscle biopsy or had Nethan ever had a muscle biopsy with regards to his hypotonia and ruling out any myotonia. I just about reached over and slapped him upside the head as I have been asking about a muscle biopsy for a year. Of course I just in my quite direct manner reminded him the original biopsy for Hirschsprung's Disease was DELAYED last June because we were thinking it would be best to do both biopsies at once but neither of the neurologists believed it was necessary. After again repeating how Nethan is doing so well on the Miralax gaining weight and growing, as far as how to proceed, Dr. Derdoy was not Crystal Clear at all. He again mentioned referring us back to Dr. Shin the surgeon regarding some surgery where they use Nethan's appendix and we would irrigate his bowel once a day. This is a hard one for me as I can't imagine Nethan having something like that forever...BUT I also can't imagine him going on like this with the Miralax forever either. I can't potty train him like this...can you imagine sending him to Kindergarten or school in diapers in another three years?

    As for Project Aloha...       

Just Cause I Don't Blog it Doesn't Mean it Doesn't Happen

    In a comment or e-mail from Fuming Mucker, he reminded me to keep smiling. He suggested I post my reply e-mail to him so here it is:

Oh I am trying... actually quite easy when I am with the boys...they are a total crack up and a lot of fun....I  know I don't blog enough stories about them but figure I could never ever capture the love and admiration  I have for them. Bryceton really is a special and amazing person. I am lucky to be his mom. Nethan is lucky to have him as a brother!!! Nethan is special too but his temperament is not as easy going as Bryceton and he is starting with some mood swings and tantrums as he hits 2 in 2 months.... thanks for the support it does mean a lot to me...even with our differences ;-)....you know actually even more so because we do see things differently... I do value it and take pride ...thanks Crystal

 Makes sense, right? This keyboard I swiped from Bryceton's computer is very different from my previous one and so it is taking me a while to get used to typing with it. As I shared in my emails to you (hope I didn't miss anyone) I wouldn't do anything rash and appreciated all suggestions and support. I do believe I would be missed by more than one reader. However, as I am certain you can appreciate when time is at such a premium as a single working mom with a chaotic home in the process of moving, that isn't enough to keep me blogging. Didn't realize it was so late this morning. Must head to work. It will be a busy hard day...Thank goodness I know I can count on smiling  when I see the boys later...and of course those wonderful comments...I think I am even up to handling trolls today too...

Lessons from My Grandma

   

This is one of those nights where I am glad I have a personal blog and not just a political, mommy, or profession blog. I most certainly always have a few political topics I would  like to write about, a few funny things Bryceton or Nethan do I am sure readers would chuckle at, and a bazillion psychology related things I would like to share. Although it can be a bit awkward to have a bunch of virtual strangers strolling on through as I expose personal faults and struggles, I have a feeling my thoughts tonight will resonate with a few of you.

    On the drive back from Phoenix yesterday, I continued to reflect upon what I shared with my grandmother and parents over breakfast  about what I had learned from staying the night at my grandmother's house. You see my grandmother is in her mid-80s and is not only recovering from a recent surgery but is also in the process of undertaking a major down-sizing effort. While she is in the process of preparing to move from her very large  three-bedroom home where she has lived for the past 30+ years to a much smaller one-bedroom cottage, she is staying with my parents in their 2 bedroom townhome. Thus the kids and I stayed at her home for the night.

    My grandmother is a major pack-rat. She has saved virtually every slip of paper and piece of mail she has ever received: financial statements, newspaper clippings, restaurant receipts, recipes, etc. She is very generous and she is prone when she comes upon a "good deal" to buy in mass quantities for gifts. There were many many items still in tact with price tags back from the 1970s. As is the case with many women, her weight and size have varied up and down the scale over the years. She is also a clothes horse and has always had extremely good taste and dressed in a highly stylish fashion.Many clothes also still with price tags. She has also received numerous gifts over the years from generous friends and family. Many Christmas and birthday gifts are piled in corners throughout the house not having been touched since they were placed there the day received. My grandmother has accumulated an amazing amount of wonderful and beautiful "things". Most  more useless than useful and very few really needed.   Every drawer and every  closet and every room of her house attests to these facts.

    It was definitely an eye-opener. No, of course I have always known these things about my grandmother. I know them to a large degree to be true about my mother as well. The eye-opener was putting it together with what I know to be true about myself and what I absolutely hate about myself. I saw all these things and realized what a burden and weight they have become for her. I sit here in my grossly cluttered and chaotic home and I feel the heavy burden and weight all my things have become for me.

    Part of the anxiety and angst about moving to Hawaii is trying to decide what must go, what can go,  and what must be sold or given away. Please understand, part of the excitement, relief, and fantasy of moving to Hawaii is simplifying and letting GO of stuff . However, it has become increasingly Crystal Clear to me I also have a great deal of ambivalence about shedding all this stuff the kids and I have accumulated. For myself, I believe it mainly comes down  to the act of choosing and deciding. If I had to walk away from here tomorrow, I would definitely feel awful about leaving behind pictures and photographs but I know I would really be just fine if all I had were my kids.

    I summarized these thoughts for my grandmother and parents, I shared my realization from being amongst her "beautiful things" and the chaos of her downsizing that I don't want to have so many things weighing me down. I do appreciate things. I do like buying things. I do like giving things. This change is not going to be easy for me. What I didn't realize until I made it about half way through the desert and didn't get to share with them though, is the bit of the beginning of forgiveness and start of acceptance I have for  myself regarding these issues. I have spent a great deal of energy in self-hatred around these issues of clutter, buying things, and debt. Just last week I joked with my parents I guess we can be relieved and glad I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol as many of the single parents I work with do in such stressful situations. Maybe it sounds crazy but if these inklings of forgiveness and  acceptance bring a bit more peace to my life and therefore the life of my kids...I think it is a good thing to not be hating myself as much tonight as I did last week.

    Moving to Hawaii is now becoming much more real for me. I am not completely certain I should move there without a job lined up. In fact, I know I probably shouldn't move there without a job lined up. However, the number of positions I am qualified for and should apply for, stipulate they are only open to Hawaii residents and that interviews will be held in person. A while back I had planned on getting a job and using my 4 weeks vacation here to pack up and move. Now with the end of the school year and thus daycare costs for Bryceton will double to $115 a week, I am thinking maybe we should start packing up now and move to be with my parents (they are returning to Hawaii in May) as soon as he is out of school in June. Then I  would have the month of vacation pay while I looked for work without the costs of daycare and rent and all those other household expenses. So many things to consider...Yep...missing the husband as a partner thing pretty heavily right now...