Cup of Coffee
Aloha! This is to let you know this blog is in process of being transferred over to Crystal Clear ...i also have a more substantive post about Terri Schiavo and a gross misrepresentation in the press... So come on over and NO it doesn't have my snazzy new design but hey... I am writing there and wanting you over there!
Whoa what a day...in the interest of trying to head off my recent bout of awful insomnia, I thought I would dump it all here.
So here we go...It is nice to feel appreciated... I don't know if I really am but it feels like it right now at my new employer and that is very nice.I will definitely take it..Being a mental health professional has far more going for it in many ways for me than an Execuative. Especiallly as far as quality of life is concerned. It really reminds me of what it is like to come out of an abusive relationship where your sense of self was slowly attacked and demeaned and degraded over time with seemingly simple little things but they all add up to leave you demoralized and detached from your true self. Abusive relationships have a way of making you question whether the sky really is blue.... They see gray. They see clouds. You see sun but insidiously over time...not in a bang against the head you can defend and rationalize reasonably and run away quickly ..but slowly their poison invades and seeps into your life and your mind and soul and self..Terribly trying to remain sane when you are in an abusive relationship. Although movies of the week would have you believe these abusive partners come with a blaring neon warning sign.. they don't. Very few people are complete 100% monsters. The vast majority are not evil or evil all the time. They always have good points too. Perhaps the most sad part is they never recognize themselves as abusive. They truly do think they are right and that is the way things are done. They think if you could just behave the way they want you to behave there would be no problems. Having been caught up in their small little world, staying on the offensive as a defensive tactic they are not fluid or open or flexible. They find it hard to listen or question or answer your opinions and points as it would rock their very sense of self and thus their world. Truly the options are to end up depressed, psychotic, or to leave.
So you leave, you initially are joyous at the realization the sun really and truly is bright. You start to regain your sense of self and trust in your ability to be happy again. You don't cringe or feel you are walking on egg shells waiting for the next shoe to fall. However, in this case , out of Crystal Clear necessity, ending back in a work situation, you start to feel anxious and a bit uncomfortable when things do go smoothly and sanely as you can't quite trust it really is ok. After all at first you thought the other place was going to be ok too.... Very very unsettling. Same thing for women/men after they leave a domestic violence situation. Definitely a form of brainwashing and definitely a need for detox.
Bryceton & Nethan will both officially start school on Monday. 
Today there was an orientation at the school and a meet and greet the teacher. As Nethan just qualified for Special Ed yesterday, he wasn't completely and officially enrolled yet so we didn't know what classroom will be his. Both boys are excited Nethan will be at school there too. Very very cute. Adorable. I can't quite fathom Bryceton is a 4th grader. Holy Shiznit. And Nethan... my little babylicious.. my baby is off spending the night all by himself with Grandma and Grandpa. Bryceton is with a friend and here I sit... preparing for the cruise and trying to repair the damage they can effortlessly inflict...and well playing with my new cell phone.
For a bit, I have started to feel very uncomfortable here on my own blog. Initially and still for a very large part, this was and is a fantastic place for support and for genuine thought provoking conversations with people who differ in their opinions from my own. However, at some point it ruined it and seriously spoiled it for me. Context for some reason is/was completely lost or misconstrued by some...whether on purpose or stupidity..Of course other bloggers completely get it ...The others don't or won't and ... well my best guess of an answer is jealousy and pettiness. But jealous and petty people can inflict serious strife and there is a risk involved in blogging I never ever anticipated and won't sign on for! It shouldn't have to concern me. I have thought about different scenarios...and the most appealing at this point in time was to take the most personal posts to a very anonymous blog.... and to continue here with the usual as well as delving off into some more creative aspecats of blogging such as vlogging and podcasting...So that is what I am thinking of right now... allows me the creative space to put together some multimedia presentations and those of you who know me and care for me in the blogosphere sense of the word can email me and gain access to the topsecret blog...
Crystal Clear, "NO" ranks right up there.
I am guessing you can see pretty well what is going on here. Not too many worries though. Nope...not too many...Faith is strong and God has a plan...I won't fight it..
And by the way... Bryceton finished 3rd grade today! I am so sorry his third grade ended up being such a waste of time for him. At end of scool last year he was reading at about 4-5th grade level and he leaves 3rd grade at about 5th grade level. Writing skills not much better and his math is still amazing but still made no serious gains as he should have. Things this next year will hopefully be better as I have a suspicion it was largely the teacher who was just happy he was in the proficient level or whatever the hell they call it ... no context for them... nope.. just within the area.
My parents are back from Phx now and the three of us here are soooooo happy. Last night we saw "Over the Hedge" the movie sucked but how nice to share Nethan's hearty laughter with them. They also remarked how grown up Bryceton is looking and how well Nethan is doing with his speech despite there being ongoing concerns he is delayed...Bryceton is excited he will get to spend the next week with them just sleeping and vegging and watching TV and playing game cube before starting day camp. For me it means a bit more sleep for a week and a whole lot less nagging. I have a feeling Nethan will feel a whole lot differently though as he still continues to worship Bryceton. He adores him. He hugs on him and kisses him and Bryceton...well he reciprocates most of the time unless it involves Yu-gi-oh or a neighbor friend is available. Both boys are just such a KICK to be around when I keep them FIRST.
At first I was surprised I didn't miss it very much. Now as I suffer the throes of crazy-making people, double binds, and office politics... I realize what I miss most about being a therapist.
I miss not having so many moments in a day where I feel inept and incompetent. I miss not having to be "on" so much and so guarded around people.
I am for the most part a very genuine person. I also am through and through a very very honest person when it comes to NOT telling lies. I don't have problems saying , Yep, I screwed up. I made a mistake or I didn't know or I forgot or I let it slip through the cracks...However, I am hating how often it seems to be happening with this job. The other part of being a therapist is that you spend far more time being with people. I just can't get into taking all this paperwork stuff so darn seriously. I really believe the proof is in the pudding. Treatment isn't good because of paperwork and procedures. All the procedures in the world don't ensure good treatment. Well enough for tonight... I miss my old job and I miss being me in my old job.
Several longtime readers wrote over the past few days asking about us and well it seemed like the time to indulge myself..How sad is that? Writing on my blog is considered indulging myself?
At first the comments about me handling my job and doing well seemed so strange to me because I don't feel like I am handling it very well. Of course there are moments where I feel ok and fine and it is a great match. However there are just as many moments in the past week or so where I am just absolutely overwhelmed I am going to not make the grade and am not going to make it past my trial period of six months. I don't think it is my personality flaws that are necessarily getting in the way either. I think it is a phenomenally difficult albeit challenging position. I am the third person in 2 years. My boss is the last person to have held this position for any length of time which adds its own dimension to it. Then throw in the part that I am sleeping in bed with the two boys and living with my parents and have a 45 minute commute and my thyroid meds are off and well ...I think I am doing quite well. Just maybe not good enough for their needs...then again the length of time it takes to recruit a new person ...and accreditation and RFPs coming up...well they might best be stuck with me and working with me...Frankly at this point I have just decided to find my own way through it... I think it is a good match. I like the work I am doing. I think I am uniquely qualified and unless they find a single woman with no kids with my experience...they would best to stick it out with me as well. Also as a side note, if and when I get the Hawaii license as a Marriage Family Therapist , I will have solid job security and marketability.
Biggest news is Nethan starts Pre-school tomorrow.What an event this shall be considering he just fell asleep on my lap about 10 minutes ago and it is midnight...He will definitely be better off on most every account. I just still can't help but worry and be concerned about the long days he will have ahead of him. I also wonder about him and his stubbornness in fitting in and dealing with their schedule. He is definitely head strong and very stubborn. For November he will be going three days a week. That is terrific in my book. By December he will be full time.
The home I want is not available for unknown number of MONTHS.No reasonable explanation. Looks fine except it is missing washer and dryer but the mgt company/dev't company won't release it. Because of the stress of living here and it is by all accounts by all individuals stressful..I have decided to take another unit which is a duplex with the plan to move to the other unit in several months. This will either help things a great deal or will push me right over the edge.
My other blogging news is that I am about to also be involved with the Hawaii Association of Marriage and Family Therapists as a member of a team of spokespeople regarding mental health issues in Hawaii. Highly likely I will also be a board member. As I will be preparing and presenting testimony, I anticipate writing it up here on my blog and getting feedback and certainly having readers email the legislators wouldn't hurt either. So look forward to that. Which also falls into line with my realization back when I was looking for work, I write better and think better when I am blogging. It helps me get past the writer's block and makes writing and communicating much easier. Not to mention, I like blogging, I miss blogging, and I really enjoy and treasure the relationships I have developed. The support and interest mean a great deal when I feel like I have the past week or so......very very lonely...very very alone...So don't write me completely off...
Yes, a full battery. Last night I started to post and I could barely get it to post I was alive. Tonight it is strange to be back to posting. True to form there are 164 billion things I should be doing and yes... I know I am exaggerating. Gimme a break.. it is after all my blog.
A week or even two days ago I would have told you this blog was a done deal. I just couldn't keep it up any longer even though I still wanted to keep it and really didn't want to end it. Last night and tonight are different in that I am trying something a bit different in comparison to the past 6 weeks or so. I need to spill... I need to connect. The connections I am making at work are not of the type I can spill the beans and connect on a personal and meaningful level....
First off I owe a huge apology to the Cotillion gals as I had a post with all the links and write ups ready to post and then somehow closed it and left it in draft status thinking I had posted it...I also didn't have the keys to our/their spot on mu.nu. How awful to have let so many wonderful women down. Part of what has stopped me from posting in addition to the new job is that back on October 8,2005 I sat for the Marriage Family Therapist license here in Hawaii. After being licensed in Ca for 10 years you wouldn't think it should have been such a big deal. However, it was a big deal since I had the new job and the test had a very different focus than the licensing exam I took in Ca back in 1995. I put in as much study time as I could fit but I won't know if I passed or failed for another month or so. I am not placing any bets on whether I passed or failed. I just know if I have to take it again next year I will most definitely pass.
As for the rest of the update. We are still living with my very patient and loving parents in their 2 bedroom condo. I have about an hour commute each way most days. Some days I stay here in Honolulu and the drive is about as bad as driving out to Ewa. Poor Nethan is in desperate need of playing with other kids but the preschool at my work won't have an opening for him for another month or two. Poor grandma, as she is held hostage by a beautiful but demanding youngster who is very ...TWO....Poor grandpa as he has his home slowly being consumed by toys and the clutter of children.Although Bryceton seems to have made a better adjustment to school than he had a month or so ago, he is still not as happy with his friends and learning as he was at Open Classroom. 
Here you can see all of us at a wonderful and extravagant meal at Nick's Fishmarket to celebrate my job. My job is amazing. On one hand it is a really great match for my skills and experience. On the other hand it is an amazing amount of work and responsibility with a very steep learning curve. The more difficult challenges lately seem to be dealing with my tendency to get totally and completely wrapped up in things that have no ending and to feel guilty for doing things that take care of "me". No the blog is not what I am thinking of in this case...In this case it is enjoying my boys. Being with my boys is taking care of "me" in a way I hadn't realized until the past week or so.I love them so much and in the day to day life lately of scrambling around I almost lost how much I enjoy them and enjoy being their mom. The day to day stuff has to be enjoyed and currently it is very hard meshing it in with this job.
I found us a place to rent that is a whole other interesting story. I have been so busy I haven't even been able to find time to email the head of the development corp. to see why my unit (which I qualified for and gave them a check for on 9/19/05) is sitting there empty , only missing a washer and dryer. Time tics away so I will somehow find the time tomorrow to call them in Texas and then try to post the story tomorrow night. My writing is quite disjointed I am sure but hey...I never promised you a coherent update...I don't know if I promised you anything but I do know I can sleep a bit better tonight knowing there might be a few comments to cheer me tomorrow night.
Hard time believing how much has happened since last time I posted. I still have not fixed the laptop and am most likely just going to re-format the hard drive. Until that happensm, I am here writing on my dad's computer.
The job search has taken an amazing and humorous swing. I am now at this point being seriously considerd for 3 positions. Each of the three positions I would take and feel very good about doing so. Not the best of my grammar on this post and not wanting to take time to edit I am going to outline a great deal of what is going on inside me head and in my life:
So there you have it... Most likely the next post will have me posting either a) I have a position and have been hired or b) have receieved an offer and am trying to stall until I can get a higher firm offer from one of the other two... I would take any of these three jobs. If money was the same in all of them I would take the easiest one which is with the Army...but as the single and only financial provider for myself and the boys... the one with the best financial offer is most likely to get me unless the difference is negligible...Definitely exciting exciting stuff....Very exciting. only dampened a bit by the fact that Bryceton is not having the easiest of transitions into school and making friends here. It is getting better and I know it is good for him to face this but he is a great kid who is used to things coming easily to him and so this is a bit of an eye opener. I received the letter yesterday that he did indeed qualify for the Gifted and Talented Program in Ventura. As they don't have a comparable program here in Hawaii, it won't mean much as far as getting him into a program here. Thus things are and will be great for me but it won't mean a whole helluva lot if Bryceton isn't happy and thriving and doing great. Also all three of these jobs are great in that they would be located in areas a great deal more affordable than Waikiki. However, that also means Bryceton will have to go through this difficulty AGAIN... I hate to do that to him...but it so much more affordable and better quality of life out of Honolulu...Please return... I also have another humorous side story and endeavor I want to share in my next post...and please keep me in your prayers. I have thanked and thanked and thanked God for these opportunities and I am truly blessed to be waiting the outcomes... Definitely more excitement than anxiety but I dont' have any experience in trying to negotiate a higher salary...I do know my gutt was right last week when I had a feeling I would be employed within 2 weeks....So looks like President Adams was correct after all.....
Believe it or not...and I am sure you do... I posted last night about the interviews I have had but I didn't get to save it before the laptop lost power. Makes for a very tangential and stream of consciousness post tonight...In fact I almost thought about calling this post the Friendship Edition...
I have been putting myself "out there" for lack of a better words. I am an alum of Thunderbird, The Garvin School of International Management. Thunderbird is extremely well known for it's networking. In fact in many cities across the world there is a gathering of T-birds every last Tuesday of the month. I myself have been to T-bird Tuesdays in Glendale, Japan, Hong Kong, LA, and Cincinnati. I have a bazillion stories about the mystique of the T-Bird connection and 6 degrees of separation but they aren't important this evening. What is important to me tonight is that I have started the process of making friends. Not the friends you meet because your kids go to the same school and not the friends you make by sitting in front of your computer screen which of course are wonderful but not the same... but friends in the sense of friends and networking. It was fun and unusual, in fact HIGHLY unusual for me to have several hours with grown-ups and not talk about our kids.Although this was a part of why I moved to Hawaii since I have the best of all babysitters right here..a.k.a grandparents it was really even more enjoyable and interesting than I had hoped.
As far as the job and interviewing update...The first interview on Tuesday went quite well. I am surprised I have not had a call for a 2nd interview. I say that all the while wanting to let you know it was a ton more work and responsibility and a great deal less money than I was making in Mexifornia. There was an extra interview thrown in on Wednesday late afternoon with Salvation Army Family Treatment Services. I have had a quasi job offer and was quite flustered when she called. Flustered because frankly I have never had to turn a job down and have never had to negotiate a salary. The offered salary is grossly grossly grossly grossly ....you get the picture right...less than I was making. Furthermore it was not much more than I was making with 3....yes THREE years experience and I have almost 15 now...Today I had the interview for Safe Haven with Mental Health Kokua. Honestly I don't think the interview went extremely well. I could definitely do the job, I am qualified for the job, but the place didn't seem like a great place to work. Salary was never mentioned. Afterwards I stopped by a Head Hunter's office. Scuttlebutt is it is the best on the island. After a bit of brief review of my resume, we set an appointment for Monday. This may be the way for me to try and make a transition out of social services with my skills and M.B.A and make a decent liveable salary. Later in the afternoon I received a call for an interview for a Public Policy Coordinator position with the Hawaii State Coalition Against Dometic Violence . I find it exciting to think about that one. I wouldn't even begin to think it would pay enough but I really look forward to learning about their work and organization.
As you can see there is definitely progress. Crystal Clear my resume is strong enough to be getting interviews and my interviewing isn't as bad as I had imagined since I already have one strong quasi offer. Unfortunately it now is really going to come down to the money....It just ain't here...There are always going to be people it seems willing to take less money than Crystal to live in paradise. I am not downhearted for very long...Adjustments will be made and things will work out...I haven't lost faith and I honestly, no matter how many times I hear from people about how much less the salaries are here, have not regretted moving here or looked back...Nope I knew in my gutt for my boys and myself I had to get out of there...and now we are here...and I will succeed. Just needs time to ....Crystallize...Yep...time to Crystallize...
and of course I should be asleep as well but I just thought I would take a moment to recap even if briefly some of my thoughts and feelings...More resumes out and a bit of response...I couldn't enroll Bryceton in school because the receptionist didn't have the doctor's form filled out for us to take. Nice to know now though that neither of my munchkins has been exposed to TB...Nethan's latest GI is back to the start in her thinking in that she thinks Nethan is holding onto his poop. I kid you not. Believe me when you read you do not want to know what our mornings are like now...painful for everyone and most of all for Nethan...I had Dr. Boles the Geneticist from CHELLA fax his report to her because I can't quite explain to her what he shared with me. She said she spoke with Dr. Derdoy and that he is back to wondering with her if Nethan doesn't have a bad bad bad horrid case of Functional Fecal Retention. I have to tell you and if you have followed this story on Nethan, you know I think this is a crock of... well...shit. Babies that young can't hold onto their poop and he has had a big distended tummy from the start...I guess we just try it for a few more weeks...Weighs so terribly heavy on my mind and heart...He is so damn sweet and funny...Stubborn yes...but what if he isn't holding on to his poop...Unbelievable we are here over 2 years and he is only going to the bathroom because of an adult prescription laxative that is now doubled and tripled daily...
I am beginning to wonder if I don't need to shut this blog down until I get a job. The stress of looking for work with no true support around me IRL would seem to be reason to keep it going but I have so many other things I want to blog about as well and the conflict inside is just a bit too much for me right now. I am not going to do it immediately because I am up for hostessing bonfire of the vanities in a few weeks and I love being a part of the Cotillion, The Wide Awakes, Round the Reader, and want to blog on Chris Short's Conservative Thinking blog...so I can't quite give it all up... Just find me a well-paying job and things will come together... That is the ticket you know...if I have a job then I have income and my family will lessen the pressure and then when I am not working I can blog as looking for a place to live won't take as much time as looking for work....I do have a couple things brewing as far as work but no interviews set up yet.... This week I was hoping and am going to try my best to bump up my efforts another notch but Nethan has a follow-up appointment with the GI (that is a whole other post I really should do...) and a Speech Therapist appointment, Bryceton has his Ped appointment to get his school physical and then I need to enroll him in school...oh and I still have not set up a checking account and closed the other or completely set up my quicken to pay bills.... So these type of things really seem to throw me out of the looking for employment mode... I will fight the battle...Just wish I could blog more... Really do... I know it will come again... It will and then I will be back surfing around the blogosphere just like good ol' times...and posting about Take Back the Memorial and how this infidel has a lot to make Crystal Clear to those bumbling terrorists and of course...the one that still weighs heavily on my mind and soul ...several times a day it seems....Terri Schiavo...Gone but never... ever forgotten..
Blogging through Project Aloha was so very helpful to me personally. I really appreciated the comments of support. And so it seems like time for a personal update. We have now been here in Hawaii for a month and I have several observations. First off, it is amazing how much better I feel when I am on my body's schedule as far as the sleep-wake cycle. Of course not having to get up and get myself and the kids ready for "the day" must play a part as well. Physically and stress wise these past few weeks have been about as good as they get.
Although I sent out a couple of resumes a few weeks back, I really have not been spending any considerable energy on finding a job. Pretty much I have been spending my time being a SAHM,settling in, and enjoying the boys. Unfortunately we have only been to the beach three times and that is a shame. It just feels completely wrong to go to the beach when I should be looking for work (even though of course I haven't used the time to look for work). As any SAHM will tell you the days just fill themselves up. I have taken care of things like doctor appointments, registering the car, and chauffeuring my mother around for the amazing amount of grocery shopping we seem to need to do.
My concerns about living with my parents have for the most part been for naught. My mom has really been great. Great. Of course there are times and they have increasing lately but the times have not been as lengthy or as intense as I feared. Once again it is most likely because my stress level is so low I have the patience and energy to weather the storms. This past week the pressure to look for work from my parents has considerably and understandably increased.
As a single mom it seems to me there are times I experience what I refer to as the Father/Husband/Masculine stressors more than others. I am far more comfortable and competent with the Mother/Wife/Feminine stressors than the other. The stress of not having a job, not knowing how long it is going to take to find a job, concerns on how much a job will pay, and the unpleasantness of looking for a job are far more present now than they were a week ago when I was dealing with Nethan's new Ped GI.
The fears are here and the fears are very real. Initially when I started this post my intentions were to write more about Nethan and his GI update, the anxiety, and my plans for achieving the goal of a well-paying job. Only now it is after 8 a.m and time to get back to the things I didn't finish yesterday.
I am quite relieved I didn't post my to-do list for Monday on Sunday's edition. I am just awful at consistently underestimating how long things will take to get accomplished. What an embarrassment. For about 10 must do items on my list I only accomplished 3 of them completely and 2 of them partially. Today I accomplished the following:
So there you have it. I think I have spent so much time worrying about all that has to be done to get the hell out of here that I have stupidly and am stupidly missing out on something very important in life outside my beloved sons. I have been so consumed with myself and the boys that I have somehow lost knowing and feeling I actually mean something to the other people in my life. I am actually ashamed and freaked out it still is not completely registering with me how important I am to some people. How sad it is that it takes my leaving for people who care for me and for people I do care for to realize we at some earlier point in time created and achieved something heartfelt and amazing. Having written that last sentence... I still am struck by the thought I can't quite grasp meaning much to anyone besides Bryceton and Nethan. I am not saying I don't believe it ...Last week I knew my blog would be "missed"...or I think I knew it would matter to a few...I just am going to really give more of this some thought and would like to invite you to do the same.
Thinking about your own experience of feeling your life has meaning to people in your own life, do you feel it ? Do you know it? If so...Please share with me how you feel it and how you know it.
Mahalo to Beth for doing such an outstanding job of minding the place while I have been away and quite busy. I knew I could count on her to keep you amused, entertained, and of course thinking...while I was away with Nethan.
Nethan had the tests mentioned in this post. As I am back to trying to get accustomed to this POS keyboard I am directing you there instead of trying to type the darn things again. In a strange good way and strange bad way, the tests did seem to show nothing obviously wrong with Nethan. After the tests, Nethan had a very hard time coming out of the anesthesia. He is back to being his lovable and charming and otherwise highly opinionated self now but it was not very easy the rest of Thursday or the past two nights.
Dr. Derdoy actually asked when he was telling us about what he saw and what might be going on with Nethan if the neurologist had ever considered a muscle biopsy or had Nethan ever had a muscle biopsy with regards to his hypotonia and ruling out any myotonia. I just about reached over and slapped him upside the head as I have been asking about a muscle biopsy for a year. Of course I just in my quite direct manner reminded him the original biopsy for Hirschsprung's Disease was DELAYED last June because we were thinking it would be best to do both biopsies at once but neither of the neurologists believed it was necessary. After again repeating how Nethan is doing so well on the Miralax gaining weight and growing, as far as how to proceed, Dr. Derdoy was not Crystal Clear at all. He again mentioned referring us back to Dr. Shin the surgeon regarding some surgery where they use Nethan's appendix and we would irrigate his bowel once a day. This is a hard one for me as I can't imagine Nethan having something like that forever...BUT I also can't imagine him going on like this with the Miralax forever either. I can't potty train him like this...can you imagine sending him to Kindergarten or school in diapers in another three years?
As for Project Aloha...
Continue reading "Project Aloha-Day 36...The There Have Been Things to Do Edition" »
In a comment or e-mail from Fuming Mucker, he reminded me to keep smiling. He suggested I post my reply e-mail to him so here it is:
Oh I am trying... actually quite easy when I am with the boys...they are a total crack up and a lot of fun....I know I don't blog enough stories about them but figure I could never ever capture the love and admiration I have for them. Bryceton really is a special and amazing person. I am lucky to be his mom. Nethan is lucky to have him as a brother!!! Nethan is special too but his temperament is not as easy going as Bryceton and he is starting with some mood swings and tantrums as he hits 2 in 2 months.... thanks for the support it does mean a lot to me...even with our differences ;-)....you know actually even more so because we do see things differently... I do value it and take pride ...thanks Crystal
Makes sense, right? This keyboard I swiped from Bryceton's computer is very different from my previous one and so it is taking me a while to get used to typing with it. As I shared in my emails to you (hope I didn't miss anyone) I wouldn't do anything rash and appreciated all suggestions and support. I do believe I would be missed by more than one reader. However, as I am certain you can appreciate when time is at such a premium as a
single working mom with a chaotic home in the process of moving, that isn't enough to keep me blogging. Didn't realize it was so late this morning. Must head to work. It will be a busy hard day...Thank goodness I know I can count on smiling when I see the boys later...and of course those wonderful comments...I think I am even up to handling trolls today too...
This is a major life and blogging rant so just move on along if you are any ethical or unethical internet wannabe researcher. Speaking of which, if you have any interest in learning more about the unethical research that was conducted using my blog without my permission, I have invited said perpetrator and/or his class to use my bandwidth to fully disclose their research while I am away later this week when Nethan has his test at CHELLA. Frankly, I do believe we are entitled, as most ethical researchers would agree, with a full debriefing. Definitely could be interesting blogging. As many of us know, curiosity may have killed the cat but satisfaction brought him back.
That having been said, I have to say that recent events have really led me to question why I even bother blogging. Even further reflection upon my career and the odds stacked against myself and others who truly seek to improve the lives of foster teens has me questioning just about everything in life. There are some behind the scene issues regarding a few of the teens I work with that would make your hair curl if you have any and would leave you shaking your head in disgust. When I had a nanny last year I remember learning that whereas I usually give most people the benefit of the doubt and just assume they are lazy and not necessarily stupid... I learned in many situations, many times, many people are just frankly stupid. Opening up my blog to Blog Explosion and other traffic exchanges has just seemed to drive that point home to me...time and time again. No, before you get your self in an uproar and write me to tell me you are not going to read me any longer and how I am so terribly arrogant, I am not talking about my blog readers or the commentators who disagree with my opinions on my blog. I am really honestly writing about my experience of the gross amount of stupidity that surrounds me regarding a few situations. A few situations I don't want to get into at this moment on my blog. Crystal Clear, I do wonder what the hell people are thinking and are they really that stupid or are they lazy or inept or evil. No, I honestly never get these feelings or thoughts when I am with a client of any age. Stupid people just don't seem to make it into my office or stay for very long if they just want their hand held and confirmation it is everyone elses' fault their life is screwed. In working with me the biggest must is a sense of goodwill. I really am going to do my damnedest to help you help yourself. I extend myself a great deal with my clients and in a different way I have extended myself in the blogosphere. The frustrations and stupidity that come along with being a therapist are a factor in the job part of the career. Fine. I am having one of those periods of time. These periods pass. A few stupid police officers, a few stupid social workers, a few stupid probation officers, a sprinkling of stupid judges, many stupid laws and well I will have a period such as this again. The logosphere is a different thing all together. Just what the hell is in this for me any longer...I really could not tell you at this moment in time. I have always had a great many topics I have wanted to write about and I still do... I just don't get much of a sense of it really being worth it tonight. I have not had this eperience before even when I was being accused of being racist! I am hoping and guessing it is just a sign of my emotional and physical ehaustion from all the changes I am facing. I know I logged for myself before and for the mother &/or mothers I anticipated that might want to read about Nethan and the eperiences we have had to go through but I am not certain if that is even worth all this angst right now. Just not certain. To top it off now there is something screwy with my keyboard and the last row of keys on the bottom left side ecept c and v are not working! Thank goodness for spell-check!
The blogosphere is definitely an interesting gathering place. Crystal Clear, I never cease to be amazed by the kindness,support, and sense of community I feel with my readers and fellow bloggers. The smiles, support, and feedback are rewarding and appreciated. Respectful and thought-provoking comments grounded in some semblance of reality that don't agree with my opinons are also encouraged and welcomed.
Less amazing and genuinely quite disheartening are the anger, bitterness, and cruelty some readers feel the need to share with me regarding my blog and what I choose to do with it. I do know much better than to take any of it personally but it is kind of like offering someone a gift or inviting them into your home and having them...well...shoot...hmmm...what am I trying to say....
It is kind of like opening a carton of spoiled milk and accidentally taking a big swig...even though you really really regret it... you are still left with that awful taste in your mouth after you spit it out...
Crystal Clear, I do put myself out here in the blogosphere. At times I can see it is akin to volunteering to be a target for those who are jealous, emotionally inept, lack personal insight, and project their own unresolved issues onto me in an abusive manner. I won't be manipulated into providing free psychotherapy or helping the emotionally disturbed re-enact the abuse perpetrated upon them with myself being their victim. I don't and won't bother with any comment I feel is abusive or don't feel is personally applicable or useful. I do have enough confidence, training and self-awareness to know the difference, even if the commentator doesn't.
This is one of those nights where I am glad I have a personal blog and not just a political, mommy, or profession blog. I most certainly always have a few political topics I would like to write about, a few funny things Bryceton or Nethan do I am sure readers would chuckle at, and a bazillion psychology related things I would like to share. Although it can be a bit awkward to have a bunch of virtual strangers strolling on through as I expose personal faults and struggles, I have a feeling my thoughts tonight will resonate with a few of you.
On the drive back from Phoenix yesterday, I continued to reflect upon what I shared with my grandmother and parents over breakfast about what I had learned from staying the night at my grandmother's house. You see my grandmother is in her mid-80s and is not only recovering from a recent surgery but is also in the process of undertaking a major down-sizing effort. While she is in the process of preparing to move from her very large three-bedroom home where she has lived for the past 30+ years to a much smaller one-bedroom cottage, she is staying with my parents in their 2 bedroom townhome. Thus the kids and I stayed at her home for the night.
My grandmother is a major pack-rat. She has saved virtually every slip of paper and piece of mail she has ever received: financial statements, newspaper clippings, restaurant receipts, recipes, etc. She is very generous and she is prone when she comes upon a "good deal" to buy in mass quantities for gifts. There were many many items still in tact with price tags back from the 1970s. As is the case with many women, her weight and size have varied up and down the scale over the years. She is also a clothes horse and has always had extremely good taste and dressed in a highly stylish fashion.Many clothes also still with price tags. She has also received numerous gifts over the years from generous friends and family. Many Christmas and birthday gifts are piled in corners throughout the house not having been touched since they were placed there the day received. My grandmother has accumulated an amazing amount of wonderful and beautiful "things". Most more useless than useful and very few really needed. Every drawer and every closet and every room of her house attests to these facts.
It was definitely an eye-opener. No, of course I have always known these things about my grandmother. I know them to a large degree to be true about my mother as well. The eye-opener was putting it together with what I know to be true about myself and what I absolutely hate about myself. I saw all these things and realized what a burden and weight they have become for her. I sit here in my grossly cluttered and chaotic home and I feel the heavy burden and weight all my things have become for me.
Part of the anxiety and angst about moving to Hawaii is trying to decide what must go, what can go, and what must be sold or given away. Please understand, part of the excitement, relief, and fantasy of moving to Hawaii is simplifying and letting GO of stuff . However, it has become increasingly Crystal Clear to me I also have a great deal of ambivalence about shedding all this stuff the kids and I have accumulated. For myself, I believe it mainly comes down to the act of choosing and deciding. If I had to walk away from here tomorrow, I would definitely feel awful about leaving behind pictures and photographs but I know I would really be just fine if all I had were my kids.
I summarized these thoughts for my grandmother and parents, I shared my realization from being amongst her "beautiful things" and the chaos of her downsizing that I don't want to have so many things weighing me down. I do appreciate things. I do like buying things. I do like giving things. This change is not going to be easy for me. What I didn't realize until I made it about half way through the desert and didn't get to share with them though, is the bit of the beginning of forgiveness and start of acceptance I have for myself regarding these issues. I have spent a great deal of energy in self-hatred around these issues of clutter, buying things, and debt. Just last week I joked with my parents I guess we can be relieved and glad I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol as many of the single parents I work with do in such stressful situations. Maybe it sounds crazy but if these inklings of forgiveness and acceptance bring a bit more peace to my life and therefore the life of my kids...I think it is a good thing to not be hating myself as much tonight as I did last week.
Moving to Hawaii is now becoming much more real for me. I am not completely certain I should move there without a job lined up. In fact, I know I probably shouldn't move there without a job lined up. However, the number of positions I am qualified for and should apply for, stipulate they are only open to Hawaii residents and that interviews will be held in person. A while back I had planned on getting a job and using my 4 weeks vacation here to pack up and move. Now with the end of the school year and thus daycare costs for Bryceton will double to $115 a week, I am thinking maybe we should start packing up now and move to be with my parents (they are returning to Hawaii in May) as soon as he is out of school in June. Then I would have the month of vacation pay while I looked for work without the costs of daycare and rent and all those other household expenses. So many things to consider...Yep...missing the husband as a partner thing pretty heavily right now...
From Zero Intelligence:
An eighth grade student at Teague Middle School in the Seminole County Public Schools was getting picked on. He made a list in his journal titled "Kill List" and put the names of his thirteen tormentors on it. Months later the list was forgotten and he was friends with some of the kids.
The names were found when the assistant principal confronted the boy after hearing he might have a cigarette lighter. She leafed through his journal and saw a drawing of a knife dripping blood before the list caught her attention.
The student is serving a 10-day suspension, and school officials are recommending expulsion.
I kid you not, the "kill list" in my journal also included a list of people I just wanted to maim. I expounded on which body parts I wanted to cut off and which people I wanted to erase from the face of the earth...or at least from my High School. The difference is ...I had enough judgement to hide it away in my journal and there hadn't been a Columbine or Red Lake .
As a therapist, I can tell you there is actually something normal and cathartic in coping with teen angst and feelings of anger and alienation through fantasy. However, Red flags should go up when you see other signs such as but of course not limited to:
I think the main thing I am trying to convey, as I tried to accomplish with Michael Schiavo, is to appreciate there is a gestalt. Crystal Clear there are good therapists and there are bad therapists just as there are good mechanics and bad mechanics, good judges and bad judges, and well you get the idea....A decent therapist should have the experience, knowledge, and training to pull a bunch of different factors and facts together to be able to come up with possible understandings of what might be going on with a person.
In the case of Michael Schiavo, people were indeed able to come up with alternative explanations for his behaviors but none of them incorporated all the facts and all the behaviors we could glean from the court record and situation as it unfolded over the years and before our eyes.
No, I am not always able to successfully treat or improve a situation such as this teen (who is likely to be and probably should be expelled). Often the "system" is stacked against us (making excuses for the behaviors or too overwhelmed to take appropriate action) or the parents are too caught up in their own psychopathology or denial.
I rarely ever EVER give up. However, I do get worn down from time to time and wonder if it is really worth it. I wonder if what I do is of service or just money thrown away to make the "system" feel as if it is doing "something". I always come back to the researched fact regarding resillience, which I won't take time to link right now, that shows the one thing that has been shown to make a difference in the life of an at-risk youth... is ONE caring and consistent adult. I have had times over the years to believe I might have been that ONE and thank goodness there have actually been times I have been told I was indeed that ONE...
That indeed is what keeps me going... and I hope causes YOU to reflect tonight...You can never know how you are going to touch a life or whose life you are going to touch in a meaningful way. You can only count on the FACT you indeed will touch many lives. It really is up to YOU on how you go about touching the lives around you.
The Gas Man didn't come til some ungodly hour and I hadn't moved the clocks forward before we went to Phoenix, thus I sit here unshowered sipping cup of Starbucks while Nethan is at daycare, blogging and trying to figure out where I should start on this ungodly mess of a trash-pit. I am planning on heading to work this afternoon if I can pull myself together. The drive to Phoenix and back takes a tremendous amount out of me and since I was gone for the regular household duties, I feel I am drowning a bit more today than I was on Friday when we left.
There is the laundry. There is the kitchen and kitchen floor. There is the pile of unpaid bills. There are the resumes I need to send. And of course, quite important...I need to find my W-2 for work so I can either file an extension for my 2004 taxes or actually get my stuff together to get it done.
I know I am a fantastic procrastinator, but it is really so difficult for me to look around and not feel completely overwhelmed. Also housecleaning seems so terribly futile when Nethan will be back to making another mess when he eats dinner. There isn't enough money and the juggling is really taking its toll on me.
Ok, ok, ok...baby steps...laundry is a good start.
UPDATE: Woo Hoo!!! I found my W-2!!! unfortunately I also realized today the car payment is due and I still have not sent off the rent check :-(
UPDATE II: Ok now I have printed out the stuff to have the car payment taken out automatically. That means I have the phone, the car, the gas, the cable, and one credit card all on automatic... Now onwards to printing out the thing so the health insurance will be pulled out each month so I don't have such a huge quarterly hit...My dream is to one day have everything set up to be automatically...oh and of course to have the money in the bank to cover it all...That is part of the depressing and scary part of all this that I want and don't want to blog about...the credit cards are just about maxed and the ones with some available credit have all had the available credit cut in the past few weeks...this is not good...obviously it means I am in severe financial straits. Far more severe than I even realized a month ago...I at one point thought I could hold on long enough to get over to Hawaii and get set up in an apartment before figuring out what I needed to do as far as solvency...At this point... I don't think I have enough money or enough credit available to get us moved over to Hawaii...whether I have a job or not....This is really really quite upsetting...not just on getting over to Hawaii part..but also the part that what about the possibility of Nethan needing or having surgery ...I have an appointment with Dr. Derdoy on Friday to discuss our next step(s) I don't know if he will want to do another upper &/or lower GI before considering another surgery or what we would need to consider before doing or not doing surgery since he is not getting any better...I am thinking perhaps it might be time to also set an appointment with a lawyer or law clinic regarding bankruptcy to see what the implications are regarding the still growing outstanding medical bills...Frightening to see how this happened... I make quite a decent salary but with insurance premium for the kids (about $167 a month) , deductibles for myself and the kids, $135 a week for Nethan's daycare, $56 for Bryceton's daycare which will go to $115 for summer time, car payment, our prescriptions are running over $150 month....I just spent about $125 in gas to get Bryceton to Phoenix and will have to do the same on Friday....There are no cheaper places to live in my area. My rent is under market because I have lived here for going on 8 years and the place is a D..U..M..P...I couldn't afford to move right now anyway...No my family does not have the money to help me out....I was on a deferment for my student loan but it was up in January 2005 so now I am late on that as well....Pretty bleak...Can't talk to my family about it... and now I am hanging out here financially and emotionally nekkid on the blogosphere...no need to comment or make suggestions...this was one of those posts where I just needed to get it down and out while I take a break from cleaning...
Nethan and I are back from Phoenix. I guess while we were gone there was some gas emergency so I am now having to wait up for the gas man to come by to turn the gas back on and light appropriate pilot lights.
Seeing my family was nice and brief. I hadn't spoken with any of them about my blogging for Terri and so I was actually kind of surprised when it came up in conversations surrounding the death of the Pope.
My mom completely "got it". My dad didn't really "get it". My grandmother sort of "got it" after my mom explained it to her. My grandfather completely "got it". My 14 year old nephew Trevor thought he "got it" but really didn't get it. My sister was pretty much middle of the road and didn't get it or not get it which is pretty scary to me as well because I am even more convinced now a few days out that this is most definitely a watershed in my lifetime. I can already imagine the e-mail and comments I will get with the following comment, but frankly,... I find the issues surrounding Terri Schiavo's murder as important as 9/11/01.
One quarter in jest and three quarters seriously, my sister asked if this was going to be on my list of questions to ask prospective dates. You see over time we have joked about how I can tell far more about a man on a date or two with several questions than I may want to know or they may want to share so early.
When I was in graduate school for psych I was taking a psych assessment/testing class and needed to administer some of the tests to volunteers as part of the class assignments. I asked the guy I was dating at the time (also a psych grad student) to help me out by drawing four seemingly simple drawings. The assessment device which I still use primarily with children is referred to as the House-Tree-Person. I took one look at the pictures drawn by the guy I was dating and I knew he had issues with his sexual identity. Not all things are as easily discernible as that, but believe me...I really can tell a great deal by something as simple as a few drawings or a few questions about his favorite animal. Which somehow also led to some more obvious questions I began asking men because they are things I see as Crystal Clear. Here are a few:
And of course now we have Terri Shiavo....I think you probably know by now how I would wish for them to answer if I was going to seriously consider going out with them for another date.
No, I am not going to be blogging solely about Terri from now on...but if it bothers you how much I blogged or blog about Terri or how I feel about this issue...please just move on along...Indeed I pride myself on most issues as being open and interested in discussion and being able to see the "other side"...Terri & Michael Schiavo is not ever going to be one of them... I will probably continue to allow contrarian comments to stand but I will probably not address all issues emailed or commented.
