Crystal Clear

Sorry is NOT the Hardest Word

Crystal Clear, "NO" ranks right up there.

• NO, there are more important things to do than search through my email to prove I did something or find you didn't send me something you thought you did or tell you I haven't heard anything yet or playing the CYA game
• NO, being exempt does not mean you take precedence over my children,sleep or health day after day, and week after week, for months at a time. There are definitely times of crisis and push. Three out of four weeks is not "times", it is an anxious way of operating I won't do.
• NO, just because I would do something differently does not mean I am inept, incompetent, or that your way is correct. In fact if you checked with me you might think my way made sense or even more sense.
• NO, you are never going to find someone to do the things I can do with my expertise, education, and experience that can do all you are asking and still live congruently with personal values of family and children. Frankly, I seriously doubt you can find someone with my mixture of experience and education who would take this on. And if you did...guess what they'd have a personality style too
• NO, it is better to come directly to me and clarify what you thought was understood than to ask someone else and engage in office gossip. I thank you for the opportunity and am probably refreshingly to you, able to say, Oops! or I am so sorry and never place blame or responsibility on another person without a context or systemic understanding of why something probably happened.

I am guessing you can see pretty well what is going on here. Not too many worries though. Nope...not too many...Faith is strong and God has a plan...I won't fight it..

And by the way... Bryceton finished 3rd grade today! I am so sorry his third grade ended up being such a waste of time for him. At end of scool last year he was reading at about 4-5th grade level and he leaves 3rd grade at about 5th grade level. Writing skills not much  better and his math is still amazing but still made no serious gains as he should have. Things this next year will hopefully be better as I have a suspicion it was largely the teacher who was just happy he was in the proficient level or whatever the hell they call it ... no context for them... nope.. just within the area.

My parents are back from  Phx now and the three of us here are soooooo happy. Last night we saw "Over the Hedge" the  movie sucked but how nice to share Nethan's hearty laughter with them. They also remarked how grown up Bryceton is looking and how well Nethan is doing with his speech despite there being ongoing concerns he is delayed...Bryceton is excited he will get to spend the next week with them just sleeping and vegging and watching TV and playing game cube before starting day camp. For me it means a bit more sleep for a week and a whole lot less nagging. I have a feeling Nethan will feel a whole lot differently though as he still continues to worship Bryceton. He adores him. He hugs on him  and kisses him and Bryceton...well he reciprocates most of the time unless it involves Yu-gi-oh or a neighbor friend is available. Both boys are just such a KICK to be around  when I keep them FIRST.

Tears Tears Tears...

     It would be easy to say TEARS about my birthday on Friday...and easy to say TEARS about all that is going on and not going on at work...but what a heartbreaker to share  our afternoon was spent in consoling Bryceton who was crying about his friend August, visiting from Ventura with his mom, leaving us...
    It was as if the tears that should have fallen last year when we left finally made it to his tear ducts. The sobbing. The wailing. The pleading he wanted to go back to Ventura. The pleading. Missing his friends and missing his school. Can not of course say I blame him. Not one bit.I most definitely miss his school and have my own tears in need of falling.
    I have been asked a couple of times by my mom if I am sorry I moved from Mexifornia. I am not sorry. As a good friend from across the distance recently  reminded me , I just haven't necessarily found the right match for myself and my boys.
    I am not used to this and I don't like it. I genuinely want to love my organization.  I also know I don't need to sit here miserable. God has a plan of that I am confident.  I ask daily for his wisdom in helping me see the path and stay on it. Tears need to fall and many of them still for my beloved grandma. How long is long enough to grieve? I know the way I answered that as a therapist. Doesn't help a whole lot right now.
Tangential? Yes. Heartfelt? Yes.
This is what happens when you don't post for a month.

Still There

Don't worry about the title of the art on the side. I don't have ovarian cancer, or at least I don't think so. But this picture was a whole lot more attractive then posting  a picture of an endometrioma.

Of course I should be spending this time doing some work...BLECH...but I frankly don't feel so well...Oh yeah...there is a THING inside me about 5cm impinging on my sense of health and well-being.

Yes the thing is still there... I knew it would be and so surgery is scheduled for January the 31st. I went for a 2nd opinion and was surprised neither my doctor nor the 2nd opinion really offered much in the way of advice. Last time this happened (2000) the doctor was very vocal about wanting to take the ovary (it was the left one that time) and I really stressed I didn't want him to take it if he could manage to leave it. By the time I saw the 2nd opinion last week I had pretty much decided I would have him take out the right ovary and then next time have it all pulled out. I now am thinking I might as well keep what he can leave of it and then next time have it all pulled out since it will likely be much more through the change.

What is really on my mind I can't quite fully express for fear of ...well...who else might read it...I hate feeling stymied and caught....If I was fully convinced of what I need to do or rather what I want to do I would blurt it all out no problem...Things just really aren't Crystal Clear at all...

New Year's eve was interesting for this very reason. Last year I thought and then decided to make the move to Hawaii. I am still very proud of myself for making the move. So I have confidence I can do what I want to do...For the first time in several years though I am not quite clear on what exactly I want to do...There has been graduate school...two times... marriage...divorce...becoming a therapist...living overseas...the biggies of having a child by myself and then having another child ...and now being here in Hawaii...What is next for us? For me? Is this the job for me? It also seems about yearly around the new year the issue of marriage pops up again for me as the thing I want to do ...I have so little clue on how to proceed on that...If I thought my old job was an obstacle in finding a husband...this one is not much better... and  frankly I am pretty certain I am my own biggest obstacle. Besides that there is the goal of a house...owning a home... well for pretty obvious reasons... that is a tad out of reach for ahem...a while...So stuck is where I find myself..fortunate and yet stuck.

I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow morning so that is where I am going to leave off tonight. Stuck and really looking forward to feeling better.

Project Aloha-Day 43...The 'Even the hair on my head hurts' Edition

This is a major life and blogging rant so just move on along if you are any ethical or unethical internet wannabe researcher. Speaking of which, if you have any interest in learning more about the unethical research that was conducted using my blog without my permission, I have  invited said perpetrator and/or his class to use my bandwidth to fully disclose their research while I am away later this week when Nethan has his test at CHELLA. Frankly, I do believe we are entitled, as  most ethical researchers would agree, with a full debriefing.  Definitely could be interesting blogging. As many of us know,  curiosity may have killed the cat but satisfaction brought him back.

    That having been said, I have to say that recent events have really led me to question why I even bother blogging. Even further reflection upon my career and the odds stacked against myself and others who truly seek to improve the lives of foster teens has me questioning just about everything in life. There are some behind the scene issues regarding a few of the teens I work with that would make your hair curl if you have any and would leave you shaking your head in disgust. When I had a nanny last year I remember learning that whereas I usually give most people the benefit of the doubt and just assume they are lazy and not necessarily stupid... I learned in many situations, many times, many people are just frankly stupid. Opening up my blog to Blog Explosion and other traffic exchanges has just seemed to drive that point home to me...time and time again. No, before you get your self in an uproar and write me to tell me you are not going to read me any longer and how I am so terribly arrogant,  I am not talking about my blog readers or the commentators who disagree with my opinions on my blog. I am really honestly writing about my experience of the gross amount of stupidity that surrounds me regarding a few situations. A few situations I don't want to get into at this moment on my blog. Crystal Clear, I do wonder what the hell people are thinking and are they really that stupid or are they lazy or inept or evil. No, I honestly never get these feelings or thoughts when I am with a client of any age. Stupid people just don't seem to make it into my office or stay for very long if they just want their hand held and  confirmation it is everyone elses' fault their life is screwed. In working with me the biggest must is a sense of goodwill. I really am going to do my damnedest to help you help yourself. I extend myself a great deal with my clients and in a different way I have extended myself in the blogosphere. The frustrations and stupidity that come along with being a therapist are a factor in the job part of the career. Fine. I am having one of those periods of time. These periods pass. A few stupid police officers, a few stupid social workers, a few stupid probation officers, a sprinkling of stupid judges, many stupid laws and well I will have a period such as this again. The logosphere is a different thing all together. Just what the hell is in this for me any longer...I really could not tell you at this moment in time. I have always had a great many topics I have wanted to write about and I still do... I just don't get much of a sense of it really being worth it tonight. I have not had this eperience before even when  I was being accused of being racist! I am hoping and guessing it is just a sign of my emotional and physical ehaustion from all the changes I am facing. I know I logged for myself before and for the mother &/or mothers I anticipated that might want to read about Nethan and the eperiences we have had to go through but I am not certain if that is even worth all this angst right now. Just not certain. To top it off now there is something screwy with my keyboard and the last row of keys on the bottom left side ecept c and v are not working! Thank goodness for spell-check!

Lessons from My Grandma

   

This is one of those nights where I am glad I have a personal blog and not just a political, mommy, or profession blog. I most certainly always have a few political topics I would  like to write about, a few funny things Bryceton or Nethan do I am sure readers would chuckle at, and a bazillion psychology related things I would like to share. Although it can be a bit awkward to have a bunch of virtual strangers strolling on through as I expose personal faults and struggles, I have a feeling my thoughts tonight will resonate with a few of you.

    On the drive back from Phoenix yesterday, I continued to reflect upon what I shared with my grandmother and parents over breakfast  about what I had learned from staying the night at my grandmother's house. You see my grandmother is in her mid-80s and is not only recovering from a recent surgery but is also in the process of undertaking a major down-sizing effort. While she is in the process of preparing to move from her very large  three-bedroom home where she has lived for the past 30+ years to a much smaller one-bedroom cottage, she is staying with my parents in their 2 bedroom townhome. Thus the kids and I stayed at her home for the night.

    My grandmother is a major pack-rat. She has saved virtually every slip of paper and piece of mail she has ever received: financial statements, newspaper clippings, restaurant receipts, recipes, etc. She is very generous and she is prone when she comes upon a "good deal" to buy in mass quantities for gifts. There were many many items still in tact with price tags back from the 1970s. As is the case with many women, her weight and size have varied up and down the scale over the years. She is also a clothes horse and has always had extremely good taste and dressed in a highly stylish fashion.Many clothes also still with price tags. She has also received numerous gifts over the years from generous friends and family. Many Christmas and birthday gifts are piled in corners throughout the house not having been touched since they were placed there the day received. My grandmother has accumulated an amazing amount of wonderful and beautiful "things". Most  more useless than useful and very few really needed.   Every drawer and every  closet and every room of her house attests to these facts.

    It was definitely an eye-opener. No, of course I have always known these things about my grandmother. I know them to a large degree to be true about my mother as well. The eye-opener was putting it together with what I know to be true about myself and what I absolutely hate about myself. I saw all these things and realized what a burden and weight they have become for her. I sit here in my grossly cluttered and chaotic home and I feel the heavy burden and weight all my things have become for me.

    Part of the anxiety and angst about moving to Hawaii is trying to decide what must go, what can go,  and what must be sold or given away. Please understand, part of the excitement, relief, and fantasy of moving to Hawaii is simplifying and letting GO of stuff . However, it has become increasingly Crystal Clear to me I also have a great deal of ambivalence about shedding all this stuff the kids and I have accumulated. For myself, I believe it mainly comes down  to the act of choosing and deciding. If I had to walk away from here tomorrow, I would definitely feel awful about leaving behind pictures and photographs but I know I would really be just fine if all I had were my kids.

    I summarized these thoughts for my grandmother and parents, I shared my realization from being amongst her "beautiful things" and the chaos of her downsizing that I don't want to have so many things weighing me down. I do appreciate things. I do like buying things. I do like giving things. This change is not going to be easy for me. What I didn't realize until I made it about half way through the desert and didn't get to share with them though, is the bit of the beginning of forgiveness and start of acceptance I have for  myself regarding these issues. I have spent a great deal of energy in self-hatred around these issues of clutter, buying things, and debt. Just last week I joked with my parents I guess we can be relieved and glad I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol as many of the single parents I work with do in such stressful situations. Maybe it sounds crazy but if these inklings of forgiveness and  acceptance bring a bit more peace to my life and therefore the life of my kids...I think it is a good thing to not be hating myself as much tonight as I did last week.

    Moving to Hawaii is now becoming much more real for me. I am not completely certain I should move there without a job lined up. In fact, I know I probably shouldn't move there without a job lined up. However, the number of positions I am qualified for and should apply for, stipulate they are only open to Hawaii residents and that interviews will be held in person. A while back I had planned on getting a job and using my 4 weeks vacation here to pack up and move. Now with the end of the school year and thus daycare costs for Bryceton will double to $115 a week, I am thinking maybe we should start packing up now and move to be with my parents (they are returning to Hawaii in May) as soon as he is out of school in June. Then I  would have the month of vacation pay while I looked for work without the costs of daycare and rent and all those other household expenses. So many things to consider...Yep...missing the husband as a partner thing pretty heavily right now...

Can't Even Pretend This Morning

    The Gas Man didn't come til some ungodly hour and I hadn't moved the clocks forward before we went to Phoenix, thus I sit here unshowered sipping  cup of Starbucks while Nethan is at daycare, blogging and trying to figure out where I should start on this ungodly mess of a trash-pit. I am planning on heading to work this afternoon if I can pull myself together. The drive to Phoenix and back takes a tremendous amount out of me and since I was gone for the regular household duties, I feel I am drowning a bit more today than I was on Friday when we left.
    There is the laundry. There is the kitchen and kitchen floor. There is the pile of unpaid bills. There are the resumes I need to send. And of course, quite important...I need to find my W-2 for work so I can either file an extension for my 2004 taxes or actually get my stuff together to get it done.
    I know I am a fantastic procrastinator, but it is really so difficult for me to look around and not feel completely overwhelmed. Also housecleaning seems so terribly futile when Nethan will be back to making another mess when he eats dinner. There isn't enough money and the juggling is really taking its toll on me.
    Ok, ok, ok...baby steps...laundry is a good start.
UPDATE: Woo Hoo!!! I found my W-2!!! unfortunately I also realized today the car payment is due and I still have not sent off the rent check :-(

UPDATE II: Ok now I have printed out the stuff to have the car payment taken out automatically. That means I have the phone, the car, the gas, the cable, and one credit card all on automatic... Now onwards to printing out the thing so the health insurance will be pulled out each month so I don't have such a huge quarterly hit...My dream is to one day have everything set up to be automatically...oh and of course to have the money in the bank to cover it all...That is part of the depressing and scary part of all this that I want and don't want to blog about...the credit cards are just about maxed and the ones with some available credit have all had the available credit cut in the past few weeks...this is not good...obviously it means I am in severe financial straits. Far more severe than I even realized a month ago...I at one point thought I could hold on long enough to get over to Hawaii and get set up in an apartment before figuring out what I needed to do as far as solvency...At this point... I don't think I have enough money or enough credit available to get us moved over to Hawaii...whether I have a job or not....This is really really quite upsetting...not just on getting over to Hawaii part..but also the part that what about the possibility of Nethan needing or having surgery ...I have an appointment with Dr. Derdoy on Friday to discuss our next step(s) I don't know if he will want to do another upper  &/or lower GI before considering another surgery or what we would need to consider before doing or not doing surgery since he is not getting any better...I am thinking perhaps it might be time to also set an appointment with a lawyer or law clinic regarding bankruptcy to see what the implications are regarding the still growing outstanding medical bills...Frightening to see how this happened... I make quite a decent salary but with insurance premium for the kids (about $167 a month) , deductibles for myself and the kids, $135 a week for Nethan's daycare, $56 for Bryceton's daycare which will go to $115 for summer time, car payment, our prescriptions are running over $150 month....I just spent about $125 in gas to get Bryceton to Phoenix and will have to do the same on Friday....There are no cheaper places to live in my area. My rent is under market because I have lived here for going on 8 years and the place is a D..U..M..P...I couldn't afford to move right now anyway...No my family does not have the money to help me out....I was on a deferment for my student loan but it was up in January 2005 so now I am late on that as well....Pretty bleak...Can't talk to my family about it... and now I am hanging out here financially and emotionally nekkid on the blogosphere...no need to comment or make suggestions...this was one of those posts where I just needed to get it down and out while I take a break from cleaning...

Hang on Terri-

REGARDING E-Mails versus Comments: Please consider commenting BEFORE attacking me personally.... I would greatly apprecaite it....

Fox @2:19:
Full 11th circuit denials re-hearing but Jeb is talking about mis-diagnosis ...working with Florida legislature...DCF and a Dr. Chesire...
Army of God has link to LIVE  Florida Legislature.... So sad to see ALL facts are not being considered...

Adios Mexifornia-Part One

     The weather the past few days to a week have been absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous here in Ventura, Mexifornia.  The sky is blue, the sun out, puffy white clouds, and temperature in the 70s. Days that years ago, I was able to smile, shake my head, and say "Yep, this is a big part of why I pay outrageous prices to rent..and will probably never be able to afford to buy a place on a single mom's income." 
    Having made the 112 mile round-trip  drive from Santa Monica four days a week  for 4 years, I moved to Ventura in 1997 after Bryceton was born. I was so used to driving through fields everyday to get to work I didn't really give it much thought and I guess if anything I thought it added a bit of quaintness and rural  feeling to this city by the ocean. I didn't really think about the possible impact on our health to be surrounded by fields and the spraying of pesticides. I was happy my drive to work at a non-profit medical clinic was about 5 minutes. I have always enthusiastically and wholeheartedly and will always continue to wholeheartedly embrace the mission statement of my employer and work  to serve the under-served. What joy and relief  it was to also  spend less time in the car, less money on gas, less money on car insurance, and more time with my infant son.
    Over the past 2-3 years I started looking around at our surroundings and local politics (Ventura, Los Angeles, & Mexifornia) and started thinking and feeling very differently about what I see is going on around us. I have come to put it together into a different picture with a different meaning. A different meaning that although might be only personal in nature, I believe has implications for millions across Mexifornia and the United States of America.

What do you see when you look at this picture taken half a mile from my home?

 

Bit of a Slowdown...

    Your comments and e-mails are wonderful. I appreciate it greatly and rest assured I am planning on returning to regular whatever that is...blogging shortly. Just physically so beat I have been going to sleep early for me after still trying to do the dishes and other "house stuff"...My desk and bank account remained fucked up and it is hard enough to come up with money for childcare...let alone an accountant...but you all did inspire me to ask my aunt who might be willing to help figure this out...I have a wonderful long-time friend down in Santa Monica who will do my taxes if I can just get the stuff together..Flylady would not be proud with the way my sink looks right now...if I felt better it might be worth it ...I don't.... As I wrote earlier, I do believe most of this is medication or physiological in nature... I have decided to try to muster up enough energy to try and get that part back on track...Part of what I didn't mention before that makes it hard to blog is that I have this kind of personal eyeball  earthquake thing going on...My eyes are not twitching but are kind of the whole eyeball is jittery at times going back and forth.... When I stand up I am dizzy  and almost stagger a bit...off balance...I am "up" on the rotation for The Wide Awakes this afternoon and have some ideas that might get me back into blogging...I really do feel better about things when others take the time to see where I am "coming from" with regards to my bitterness and resentment ... I don't like sounding like a whiner or complainer or menopausal bitch...I do not like feeling "trapped" by my surroundings or situation and do feel it is 100% up to me to get us out of here...Mexifornia...a place I feel does not appreciate my tax dollars or our standard of living that continues to uncomfortably decrease or my working to support my family and blatantly  abuses my goodwill to further special interests that worship socialism...this all very well may mean a cutback in blogging and/or requesting some assistance in looking at my resume... Mexifornia really is THAT bad...and I know it is not going to get better...it is only getting worse...

How Tired Was I...?

    Well just like the last time I posted a post like that I succumbed to taking care of myself and my health in the mental and emotional sense. I took a 2 hour nap after trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my Quicken...Seems like there is  a 1715$ discrepancy...I don't know how I am going to find it but that along with the wonderful comments and a few emails was enough to send me to tears...and the nap. Picked up the boys, made dinner, had bath time, and somehow we all ended up schnuggling in my bed with Bryceton reading Harry Potter and Nethan practicing standing up and falling face forward on the bed...Yes I was so tired and wiped I didn't even get up to watch American Idol...I have it TiVo'd so I shall watch it tonight right before the next episdode...or oops we have the Occupational Therapist coming tonight so I don't know if might  all be postponed til later. So although I am still not quite up to speed and of course the house, my desk, and my finances are more than  twice as bad as it was yesterday when I tried to take care of it...off to work I go...Late~

A Personal Non-Personal Personal Post

    I have written this type of post before... no desire to bother with a link back to it ... I start off writing nothing to just kind of ease myself into rambling something for my own limited good. It was difficult to not blog last night but I was trying to enjoy American Idol after having taken the boys to storytime at the library.

    Storytime at the library was a sheer joy, I have missed more than I realized. Bryceton had I think become a little old or uncomfortable with the "little kids" there on Monday nights. Somehow we decided that taking Nethan would be fun for all of us...It was beyond pride to see Bryceton sitting there on the floor holding his brother in his lap lovingly and engagingly listening to a story together...surrounded by a bunch of other "little kids". Makes me well up with tears to know what a wonderful son I have and what a wonderful patient brother he is to Nethan. Bryceton is an amazing boy and amazing person. I really lucked out. This isn't my parenting...if anything my stressed to the max single mother routine probably stands in the way of him being even happier.

    Well that was a nice little sidetrack away from what was going on when I started this post and you know I think it would probably be best if I just left it there...Where I started this point is feeling absolutely miserable physically, emotionally, and mentally...wondering how the hell I am going to make it through today. This overwhelming sense of self-hatred just washes over me like a Tsunami...I get tired of swimming in this self-hatred...I won't drown but I am definitely tiring a bit right now as I am faced with what seems just too much to do:

Why So Darn Slow?

    My internet connection is so darn slow today that I am having an extremely difficult and frustrating time at getting any of the surfing done that I desperately NEED to get accomplished. At first I just thought I had consumed too much coffee this morning but I am realizing it is every single site and it is driving me nutso. An overnight scan shows no viruses or spyware...Nevertheless this is all leading me  into a highly tangential and I am guessing an extremely personal rant.
    What does a slow internet connection have to do with an extremely personal rant? The surfing I am finally getting around to doing is with regards to looking for and finding a new job in Hawaii. Quite a while back I looked into licensure in Hawaii and it appeared at that time all I had to do to become  licensed was to join AAMFTand fill out the necessary application. Yesterday I learned that is no longer the case. The Hawaii information for licensure site I initially ended up at via both Yahoo and Google were no longer active links. Eventually I found a new designation in Hawaii for license as a Mental Health Counselor.  The requirements for being a licensed MFT also appear to be changing and it appears there is at least one if not more certification exams I will need to take before being licensed in Hawaii. Honestly I just want to cry... I want and need to get to Hawaii as soon as possible. I really honestly am just trudging through everyday here and know in my heart I need to get out of here for not only my own sanity and health but also so I can be the mother my sons really deserve.
    Finding a job is one of the many  things I do NOT do well... in fact I really think it is the thing I do most poorly in the whole entire world. I am divorced and I know in my heart I was a better wife than I am at finding a job. Looking for and finding a job encompasses each and every single one of my deepest faults, for a mere slice of the top of the cake:  perfectionism, procrastination, my wildly varying sometimes shaky self-esteem, arrogance, questions of self-worth,  poor time management, phobia of the phone and networking, ambivalence about working and my purpose on earth, and of course my good old friend the fears and  reality of  numerous rejections and no immediate gratification. I have been with my current job 11 years. Prior to that I looked for a solid year for work as an intern to gain my hours of experience (3000 hours for licensure). I know I have a great many skills and am a good psychotherapist. No doubts there at all. That should help, right?  But we all know in reality, it is only a part of finding work. So now I am faced with deciphering a number of acronyms over at the NBCC (National Board for Certifying Counselors & Affiliates) and  taking various examinations on top of looking for a job.  Crystal Clear saying Adios Mexifornia, Aloha Hawaii and moving forward  in life is most definitely becoming a greater struggle and even more of a personal challenge to face these lifetime character weights.

Looks Like I Am Not Alone

     According to recent findings from a Harvard University study, about half of personal bankruptcies were triggered by medical costs or illness.

Researchers from Harvard's law and medical schools said the findings underscore the inadequacy of many private insurance plans that offer worst-case catastrophic coverage, but little financial security for less severe illnesses. .

     Although I have health insurance through my employer, I pay out of pocket for health insurance for Bryceton and Nethan. I initially chose the $1000 deductible because at Nethan's birth I believed him to be perfectly healthy. At seven months of age all the medical costs really started escalating and at this point I have absolutely no idea how long until the expenses stop or decline enough to keep me solvent.
     I have hinted and mentioned numerous times the heavy financial burden Nethan's health costs are on my strapped-single-mother-pocket-book and at this point I am about 50% convinced  I am headed down the hill towards eventual bankruptcy. The biopsy Nethan had in January basically cost me a $1000 more than if it would have happened on December 31, 2004. If he has to have a major surgery, it will be like being pushed down that hill on an out of control sled. Fortunately or unfortunately  during the daytime I tend to avoid my Quicken to see where I stand preferring to be in a good a mood as possible for my work and the kids. A great deal of this financial stress seems to come late at night when I go to sleep and wonder if I have paid a bill or realize I forgot to pay a credit card that left a message on the answering machine.
    When waiting to see Dr. Baum the other day, another single woman with insurance not much older than myself, who was recovering from surgery for a brain tumor, also shared with me the toll the medical expenses are having on her situation and the strong likelihood bankruptcy was in her future within the year. Having survived such a terrifying experience she had the whole financial nightmare in correct perspective. Earlier on when Nethan's medical expenses were initially starting to pile up I honestly did not have that great of a perspective. I harbored a great deal of anger and resentment at being in this situation. Seeing Medi-cal card after Medi-cal card and not a single health insurance card at CHELLA really really burned me up inside. Still does at times on bad days when I open yet another invoice for a blood test or doctor visit and I know we still don't have a diagnosis. Although I know and believe this is a shitty shitty situation and is not fair at all...Nethan's getting well is what really matters to me and the money is really just a bunch of numbers on my computer screen.Now I like to think I have a decent or perhaps it is delusional attitude but I believe one of two things will happen: 1) We move to Hawaii and instead of having to take a pay cut I make a jump up in my career and will make enough money to struggle but eventually crawl out of this financial abyss or 2) We move to Hawaii as quickly as possible, I get set up in a job and the three of us in an apartment, and then file bankruptcy and suffer through the shame and humiliation and be poor while we are in one of the most beautiful and awe-inspiring places in the world.
   
 

Damn Day Job

    Sorry but no post tonight as I had a lengthy blondie moment and the time I was supposed to be catching up on/finding  some progress notes for an audit that is going on at work concerning my files , I ended up making an actual sit-down dinner for the three of us, cleaning up from that event, unloading/loading the dishwasher, 2 loads of laundry,  preparing tomorrow's coffee, b-fast and lunch for Bryceton, supervising and encouraging  Bryceton taking care of the trash, bathing & of course enjoying post bath time slathering up Nethan with delicious Lavender baby lotion, reading & listening to Harry Potter, trying to start looking at taking a we-can't-afford-it-but-we-want-it-get-a-way to Legoland next weekend, and of course...watching American Idol with a large bowl of generic chocolate ice cream. Oh I can really see where my mom sees me as lazy...
    Nope, just a really really bad procrastinator with a horrendous yet definitely improving fatigue problem, two adorable yet highly distracting sons who will never be 19 months and 7 years old again, financial struggles that are a tremendous bore yet never-ending, and yet who really could and definitely should do better.Maybe tomorrow...
    Wait, this counts as a post,right?

"Bitchma" Steals My Blog Mojo

    My mom has been here since last Thursday when we went to see Dr. Shin about Nethan's biopsy results. My mom hurts me so damn badly, I can hardly stand it and when we get to this point in her visit I really do wonder if the good things she does and if her presence are really worth it. I need her for all the stuff going on and about to be going on but she "costs" me so damn much in mental health and energy. She has this shrill tone to her voice and I find her quite high maintenance. She would of course disagree and thinks I am ________fill it in with her faves...lazy, bitch,....you get the idea. Before this turns into a full on rant about the woman who gave me life and works so very hard to tear me down left and right...   
    Dr. Shin told us last Thursday that the biopsy did not show Hirschsprung's Disease or anything abnormal. PLEASE do NOT tell me this is good news. This is NOT good news. If it were HD or NID then the next procedure and the outcome would pretty much be straightforward. It isn't and she pretty much said Dr. Derdoy is probably going to just lump it into Chronic Intestinal Pseudo-obstruction. Sort of a catch-all for all the things they don't know about and can't diagnose yet....sort of like Nethan's other  diagnosis of Congenital Hypotonia....Dr. Shin mentioned some of the options Dr. Derdoy may suggest...NONE of them are fantastic...Well my understanding was Dr. Derdoy was out of town until mid-February. I called the CHELLA GI clinic last Friday to set up the follow-up appointment and had to as usual leave a message. Monday I called again and left yet another message. Also yesterday I remembered we had an appointment with Dr. Schoenberg an Orthopedist but thought it was 1:30 but it actually was 8:00am... thank goodness I called yesterday morning at 8:15 to check and they said to go ahead and come on in...unfortunately it took far longer than I thought it would and I ended up being late for work and didn't call and had the ringer off on my phone and my work was quite upset with me when I got in there an hour later...The Ortho said we were following the right path and that there are indeed children who go several years without a diagnosis until finally someone has a "Eureka" moment. He mentioned things like a myopathy, mitochondrial disorder(s) or that there are new forms of SMA everyday...He felt and I agree that at this point braces or orthotics in Nethan's shoes would just slow him down...So back to yet ANOTHER call to CHELLA GI clinic today and I hit redial and various buttons for 20 minutes to try and get an actual person. Finally left a message for the office manager and read her the riot act about the shitty service and having received NO calls back and Nethan having had surgery weeks ago...Next call I finally get a nurse who explains Dr. Derdoy is back from vaca and schedules the follow-up appointment for February 25...After shaking my head in disgust , I realize that the good news is that we do have an appointment with the neurologist Dr. Baum on Tuesday the 8th. I call Dr. Baum's office to leave a message for his assistant, explaining I would like for them to request all the pathology reports and for Dr. Baum to speak with Dr. Derdoy...Would have liked to have thought the assholes would have spoken at some point before this let alone with his general Ped. Dr. Smyle...Call back the GI clinic and tell them that the 25th is ridiculous but if that is all there is that I need a call from Dr. Derdoy to see if there are some other tests he wants performed before the appointment on the 25th. Can't you just see us waiting to see him  and THEN having him suggest some further testing????? So having covered my bases, I came home for lunch with my mom and Nethan. Nethan has a nasty nasty cough and congestion with a high fever so he stayed home from daycare the past two days. My mom rags on me about having generic Tylenol and how I should have taken him in to the doctor...I had called Dr. Smyle's office and they said as long as he is not tugging his ear and is peeing there is no need to come in at this point...My mom is just not used to kids getting sick...most moms of kids in daycare will tell you there is almost a non-stop string of colds through the winter if not year...Head back to work and learn 3 of the teens I have worked with anywhere from over one year to under three months AWOLd last night and are headed back North to their home cities....2 of the three will most definitely now end up back in Juvenile Hall if not CYA when they are caught or turn themselves in...all most likely for a simple booty call down on the "Avenue"...Right before I begin seeing the other teens I get a call from Dr. Derdoy who is very apologetic and says he can see us on this Thursday...then another call several moments later from the office manager who is also apologetic and runs through everything that has been done on our behalf...Finish up with work, pick up Bryceton and come home to my mother who bitches and screams and taunts me for hours about how awful I am and how I spend $$ on Starbucks for myself but  give Nethan generic Tylenol...about how Bryceton never eats a thing...about my time on the computer (spent earlier today at lunch to pay bills...) how Nethan doesn't have enough clothes,  that Bryceton has too many toys, they probably don't take vitamins, Nethan has not enough toys, that  I am so awful I will probably take Nethan to daycare tomorrow even if he has a fever (of course can't do and wouldn't do), how I have too many books, how Dr. Smyle is a rotten Pediatrician and he has missed all this stuff with Nethan ( I concur) ,my desk is a catastrophe (yes it is ....) I mean On and On and ON...Thank goodness for American Idol...it works its magic and she finally by mid way warms up a bit towards me and is able to be civil....She leaves tomorrow....Not a moment too soon...I wouldn't be saying that if she could even begin to appreciate the stress I am under and how it is NOT that easy being a single mom and having to not only mother the boys but to also work and find time to pay the bills and fix meals and laundry and ....all the other stuff she seems to forget my father did, still does for her...Unbelievable,  unless you know my mother...What is really Crystal Clear to her is that I am a total and complete awful lazy person and rotten mother, until you tell her that is what you hear her saying  and has said explicitly...then she just goes back to nagging...or if you are somewhat lucky she moves onto pouting because then at least she is silent...I am seriously considering whether I really do want her here or around more than 3 days if Nethan has another surgery...just does NOT seem worth it when I realize how awful I feel with her here by this point in her trip...

Doing My Part for the Vast War Machine

My personal roller coaster of Christmas frenzy, exhaustion and hormonal misery is on an upswing this past 1/2 hour  so I decided to take a break from bringing in the Walmart, Sam's Club, and Toys R Us purchases. I am so biting at the bit to address both the track-back from Amanitaand the comment from Caroline, but my new prescription of LexaprX hasn't kicked in yet. I am a bit worried my response would be vitriolic and would embarrass myself or...each of them further...So I will cross my fingers some reader(s) will have a bit of time to help provide Crystal Clear clarity to these two young women who provide  great examples as to what is screwy about the value judgment to have ToBGLAD events during school time. Each lady demonstrates by her own comments why school time is not appropriate for ToBGLAD events.  Although as far as I am concerned they can have ToBGLAD events as often as they like and I am quite certain ToBGLAD day was highly valuable for both the audience and speakers, my post was not about questioning the value of such events. Biting my tongue  keyboard...Even extending the plausibility the majority of Caroline's mistakes were typographical in nature rather than spelling and grammatical, I wish she realized her choice in a lover is only one way people in school and the world are going to look at her...  or discriminate against or for her...What she has to say and how she expresses herself are far more important than her sexual orientation. Grown-ups of any true depth of character and the bottom line in business in the "real" world are going to care more about what type of character she demonstrates and how she contributes or adds to society and the lives of people around her.
     It really is nice Caroline's speech and the ToBGLAD events helped other students widen their horizons and increase both insight and tolerance. However in my opinion, the ToBGLAD panels and events would have provided just as much benefit if they happened outside of school. A cursory glance at both Caroline's and Meredith's observations supports my belief classroom time would have been more appropriately and wisely invested in helping students improve their spelling, grammar and most importantly... critical thinking skills than helping other students know that calling people names such as ___ or ___ while they walk down the hall is not nice and hurts feelings. It seems Crystal Clear to me both young women  could only address the post in a limited and superficial manner. The best time and the appropriate place to learn,develop, and enhance thinking skills is SCHOOL!...My guess is the other industrial countries who scored higher than the USA use SCHOOL time for SCHOOL subjects all the way from elementary through High School...If the American educational system wants to use resources, energy and time for things such as ToBGLAD events, it is not likely we will produce as many top notch scientists and mathematicians as other industrialized countries. However, among other things, it is likely we will produce more and more citizens who feel both appropriately and inappropriately righteous in their feelings but can't adequately present their reasoning, arguments, or intelligently discuss it with those who disagree or hold a different point of view.

To Go or Not To Go

    Here is one of those posts where I start off saying nothing so that I can ease into sharing some highly personal information. Not easy to start a post writing about how you overslept by an hour and didn't take a shower but managed to get Bryceton to school right on the dot and then drop off Nethan at Daycare and arrived home with a debate ongoing in my mind whether to go to work or not go to work.
    It isn't that I don't love and adore what I do because I really do. What it is...is that I feel physically a mess and wreck. Not going to sleep until 2:30 and then getting up at 6:00 is very difficult. Not taking a shower to wake up is very difficult and gross. Nagging Bryceton non-stop to "Move it Move it MOVE it" is miserable and thankless work. However, after doing all I have already done I feel like I might as well head into work. Put off a few more hours  trying to find an online traffic school even though I must complete it today...Put off checking to see if I did indeed pay the cell phone bill, the cable bill, electric, gas, credit cards...Oh and still needing to find a maid service. Tonight after picking up the kids we are heading for the visit with Santa...Now that is a priority.
          I am seeing a wonderful young couple this morning who really appear to be getting a great deal out of couples' therapy. Now whether they get anything of worth from me today is a whole other question. However, initially I will be glad I went to work because it doesn't push me further into the red regarding precious sick time but over the long haul it is really taking its toll on me and my homelife. The kids continue to thrive but Crystal...nope she is holding onto a very fraying last thread...I head to the Dr. at lunch today for myself to hopefully get some relief or direction that at least  includes Lexapro or something palliative. The Endocrinologist wants me to come back in several weeks after the Synthroid has hopefully addressed the Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and referred me back to the Gyn regarding my going through as my grandma always calls it...THE Change...
    I have been depressed several times in life...this is  NOT depression which in many ways leads to this being a different kind of frustration...This feels like trying to walk around with two badly broken legs and having forgotten to tie your shoes and tripping over yourself left and right...Except if you had broken legs people would see them and know and understand why you couldn't  clean your home well and  weren't able to run a mile....Well just realized it is 9:04...I caved... I can't make it in this morning...Bank of America just called to remind me I haven't paid them...Isn't that just the kindest thing...

My Lil Flake

 

Honestly, he really is doing far better than I am at this point. I am so physically and emotionally exhausted. As much as I wanted to write about the upper GI series so that other Internet maniacs researching stuff like this would have our experience to prepare themselves... I just can't. I so greatly appreciate all the comments.Well perhaps I can write a bit... I think there is a little confusion about what he had done today so I wanted to clarify that ...today he just had the upper GI series. He won't have the actual lap/bowel biopsy until January...So no answers at all yet about anything. I was able to stay with him through it. Since he hadn't had a thing to eat or drink since last night, he was nicely desperate enough to slurp down the barium sludge. I could see it going down his esophagus nicely. I wasn't and am not surprised as I really do think the problems he is having are lower down in his system. He has never in his life vomited. So after a bunch of pictures we had to wait to take some more about 30 minutes later. Then came back for another xray and then told to go wait again and tried to have him drink some more barium but now he was not as cooperative...then more xrays with Poo Poo and myself right there with him...Then I was finally able to feed him and he scarfed down some McNuggets and fries.( There is actually a McDs in the hospital) then waited an hour I think and one final xray. My plan is to call the doctor tomorrow morning. As the barium is quite constipating I have been offering juice and water like crazy. His belly is huge and quite distended, I am highly anxious for it to start coming out...I imagine tomorrow is going to mean several changes of clothes...He was so darn sweet. He had to initially  have his legs bound..He was clearly a bit scared but oh so brave...was so still each time they took the xrays... He kept Poo Poo right next to him and when I told him they were taking his and Poo Poo's picture with that big machine he actually SMILED :-)  for the machine...So quite a long day...I also realized something about myself that is off topic but it is my blog so I am allowed....I have written before about how CHELLA is truly akin to a personal hell for me. I am, it seems to me, ultra sensitive to the children...visually. As a therapist the stories I have heard and hear on a regular basis are atrocious and emotional and people often wonder how I can listen to them day in and day out over the years...well I can and clearly do...it is really nothing to me compared to having to see all the things I saw today...I am haunted....Reminded me of the Oklahoma City Bombing years back where the onsite daycare was devastated...I cried for several days and still can cry if I don't stop myself...9/11...shudder and sick when I recall seeing those people falling...dropping out of windows...By the time of the recent Chechnya Beslan school incident I wasn't watching TV any longer... and refused to look at any pictures on the web either...Thinking about it  I cried and I still really have to shake my head hard to get it out of my mind....So it is Crystal Clear that auditorily I am your gal, I can handle just about anything...even regarding kids...be helpful  and lead my life just fine... Although I am from time to time really haunted and bothered by the things I hear from people and the things kids have been through...I can process it far more quickly than I can this type of day... The stories and things I hear don't haunt me as much...It is Crystal Clear to me I am far more sensitive visually than I ever realized...Makes sense as well  if you know my passion for and love of photographing my kids too...No punch line...that is IT tonight ...Thanks again...

Ya' Know You are Really Sick When..

    You can't even prop yourself up at your computer to blog. Yep...I have been ill yet again...Not shopping ...Not surfing...Not cleaning...just plain ol' sick...So sick that when I wasn't in bed I was crawling on the floor to get to the kitchen or bathroom.  Bryceton was a real trooper and was able to fix cereal and leftover Pizza but drew the line at changing Nethan's  poopy diapers even when I offered him 5$.
     The little bit of energy I mustered up from sleeping away yesterday I quickly exhausted and ran into the deficit today by doing laundry and cleaning up the kitchen from Thanksgiving ....I hate being sick and I hate blogging while sick. So I will return...but it probably will be tomorrow...At that point we will know how well or ill I am...
    If I am still sick then I won't care about how awful the house is and I will probably blog ...If I am on the mend then I will most definitely get back to de-cluttering and putting this disarray back into array...or as I like to think of it from now until the time I step on that plane next Summer :  Packing for Hawaii...How is that for a re-frame...

I Interrupt My LIfe & This Blog...

I kindly interrupt my life and my blog to take care of myself so as to be able to continue to take care of Bryceton and Nethan. I re-read a post or two ago about the stress of hemmoraging the green stuff and heart stuff. I realized it hadn't quite captured the whole picture and while I am not going to post a picture of my home with all the stuff not put away since they put in carpet 10 days ago, trust me to know I would gladly parade my naked body around you for thirty days straight before I would let you see the chaos of my newly carpeted home. Additionally, while I blogged I was sick a few weeks ago I never mentioned that I forgot to get well. I finally managed to get to the Urgent Care on Monday after dropping off the kids and learned I really was sick. The lung Xray and the doctor proclaimed I have an pneumonia. So after picking up the antibiotic ammo and breaking down into tears while driving the 2nd rental car I still had to come home to deal with mommying and researching a new car since the guy at the AAMCO was still dicking me around about getting my car back to me (Had been promised on Monday by 4:30 p.m). Since I had to get up to take the kids on Tuesday and had to still deal with the car I went ahead and worked the first part of the day despite chest pains and breathing difficulties. After getting a speeding ticket, being further dicked around by the car rental people, and sorely disappointed yet again by my so-called friend Michelle who only agreed halfheartedly to watch Bryceton and not Nethan, I finally picked up the Blazer, crossed my fingers, said a prayer and headed to Simi Valley with Nethan in tow to do battle on the new car purchase. You would like to think that the AAA membership and Costco membership and Sam's club memberships no haggle low pricing would provide a less repugnant experience. You would of course like me be W R O N G...
Nevertheless, Nethan and I drove home last night in a brand new, safe, and nicely loaded 2004 PT Cruiser Limited! Chrysler did its part in throwing 5 thousand towards me and well I am not quite sure where all the rest of it is coming from...somehow I manage to make it and support my family. I did indeed wake up with severe buyer's remorse and tried to reconcile the picture of being extremely financially strapped and stretched and over-extended and poor and yet driving a beautiful brand new car...This morning I also decided to listen to those chest pains and difficulties breathing and stayed home. No, I didn't really stay down enough but if you were a single working mom with a home in as much chaos and your 2 kids were away...Well...you would have done at least as much...
So although I would love to provide a post at this time about the stuff Hilary and Andy have brought up...I think ya' can guess it wouldn't be Crystal Clear

Picking up the Battle Again...

I have not written about Nethan in a while. Tomorrow we have an appointment with Dr. Feldman who is a general pediatrician with Tri-Counties Regional Center. He reportedly is a "good peds man" who has an interest in "genetics". I also have totally blanked on having the rest of the blood drawn for Dr. Baum the Neurologist and need to do at least part of that as well. Not to mention that those idiots at CHELLA never called to re-schedule the appointment with the GI.
What follows is poo poo information that only people who are along on the journey will find of interest. And minimal interest if at all but tonight's entry a.k.a RANT is really for me.
I feel and really am so terribly and utterly alone on this path at times. The past ten days have not been as great as the previous ten. And those ten were not stellar either.
Under pressure from my mom I went ahead and figured I would try decreasing the Miralax...So I gave him half the regular dose and he did fine the first day and then second seemed ok and then somewhere around the 3rd or 4th day I realized he was really just sharing what I call leakage. His belly became hard as a rock and extremely distended. Strange how it seemed to go from being Ok to being just awful. Also around this time and I can't really pinpoint the date, he stopped standing up and stopped bearing weight at all on his beautiful chubby little legs.The word that describes that experience is terror. Perhaps a bit melodramatic but between that and Bryceton learning how to ride his "Heely's" and trying to help Bryceton learn how to ride a bicycle and feeling like I am drowing in my own life... Terror is everywhere...
Christine and Susan the Saints who provide daycare for him and other babes were also quite upset and concerned. Andrea the Physical Therapist also called me and we went over what has been going on. Within two-three days with the full dose of Miralax he started exploding. Somehow he even exploded in his sleep or early morning hours and it was allover the bed and sheets and the room just wreaked of illness...Fortunately he didn't get a bad diaper rash. So here we are now at 14 months and he is not walking and what we seem to know now is that yes indeed he does still need the full adult dosage of the Miralax and that yes when he is plugged up it does seem to effect his legs &/or muscles and he won't stand up and really hates being on his belly.
Why does it seem like I am the only one who wants to know WHY he needs an ADULT dosage of an ADULT prescription laxative to go poop at all? If it were not for the Miralax I think it is pretty safe to say we would be just where we were before the Miralax. In other words... He would not be pooping at all. So even if his colon is just "redundant", shouldn't we be doing other testing to confirm that through exclusion? How long do we keep him on the Miralax before we figure out why he needs it? Do we seriously have to just keep trying to take him off of it and going through this?At what point do we do something to figure out WHY he needs it? Is it when he is 2 years old? Is it when he is 4 years old? Perhaps we will successfully wean him off of it when he is two years old. WHAT IF WE DON'T? Do we have to wait until he is 5 or 6 years old? At what point do we do something to figure it out? The family doctor and my mom suggesting we do the Gastrograffin enema X-ray again to see if it shows something different. Well HULLO, imagine being Nethan and which would you rather experience...Be scared and taken from Mommy's arms and put to sleep with a needle OR have them shove some TUBE up your BUM and squirt stuff up it and then move you all around into different positions WHILE YOU ARE AWAKE to take x-rays...AND if the X-ray shows something you still end up having to go through the biopsy...Why is this stuff so Crystal Clear to me and not the rest of the world? What is so friggin wrong with wanting them to just do a muscle biopsy and a nerve biopsy and knowing once and for all that everything is A O K fine? Doing biopsies is NOT going to get any easier for Nethan or for Mommy. It is only serving to infuriate me more. Maybe they aren't necessary or in hindsight they would be shown to not have been necessary but what is so terribly awful about doing them now? Or what are they waiting to happen or to not happen? Do we wait until he is 2 and not walking? I feel like he will walk before he is two so that is not really a major concern. But then again it is mainly because 2 is half his life away!
Yep, Nethan not putting weight on his legs and stopping standing up really did shoot terror through every single cell in my body...

Nuttin Good...& Nuttin Bad

Spent some time updating the meme blog and photography blog and as usual just don't have the energy to do a thorough or interesting read for this one...
Heading back to work today was of little interest or consequence and as it should be more of my energy and time was spent being Mommy to these two youngsters...

Phone calls:

Set Dentist appt. and appt. for yearly physical for Bryceton, YMCA to see about Bryceton's b-day party next weekend, CDR to see about an aftercare program for Bryceton

Actions:

Haircut for Bryceton, and take Bryceton to Tae-Kwon-Do despite his begging to not ever return.After picking up disgusting Burger King and coveted Yu-gi-Oh! toy, we head to the laundromat to launder bedspreads since Nethan had an explosion the night before we left.

All in all not a bad day I just have so much still left to do that it just seems like it was spitting in the ocean...
Had to be really stern to get Bryceton into bed tonight at an earlier bedtime of 7:30 p.m. He is so used to staying up as late as he wants and I know we need to start getting him back into the school routine ASAP and I needed to do some more laundry and have a bit of me time. So I tricked him by starting at 7:30 because I knew he would try and stall and try to negotiate his way to a later time. We both lost though cause he was crying and still awake at 8:30...and had Nethan upset as well...However, that actually is why I started tonight and a little last night so that by Thursday morning it won't hopefully be as painful for all of us... I will let you know if it works...

That Point

A day or so ago I hit that point in the trip. That point is the point when I start to think about what might happen or would happen if I just decided "Hey, I am not going back."
I am totally and absolutely 100% serious. But yep I think about hey, this is my parents' condo and what are they gonna do??? Eventually they will come back but they would never kick us out. I would want to move before they wanted us to leave and I know I could find a place before that happened. As far as my ghetto home in Ventura...Fuck it....Yep those words came out of my fingers. I have no attachment to that place...other than some personal items you can have everything right down to my dirty 1995 Blazer. They have a beautiful PT Cruiser here that has less than 10K miles on it...Although I do hate driving around in a car that has "To Cute" for a license plate because I hate people thinking that I spelled "Too" the wrong way. As far as friends...well if you live in Hawaii it is pretty safe to say that anyone you really want to see again is eventually gonna come to visit. What else? My job? Hmm ...As much as I love what I do and as much as I love the group home kids...and I genuinely do...they could easily replace me and I am always surprised by how easy it is for me to let go of thinking and worrying about them...Not to mention that of course there are certainly group homes for foster teenagers here in Hawaii that need psychotherapy too...So you see there is really no reason to not stay and more reasons to stay!! ... Indeed I have asked Bryceton if he is sure he wants to go back and he answered "Yes, he is not ready to stay...yet."
I forget about this point. I am always surprised by it and yet it has come during every single trip except for the year I was married. One year I tried to convince my sister to get off the plane. I told her "Hey, noone would doubt that we got into a fight and missed the flight..." She had a boyfriend back in Phoenix though and was not willing.
Bryceton already knows that when Nethan heads to college in seventeen years I will be heading here to stay for good for the rest of my days... Until that time I guess we just keep visiting and I will keep hitting this point...

Single Motherhood "Aloha" Style

Well in the interest of travel horror stories our trip has started off with a real doozy. The flight with the two boys was really not too bad. I was so exhausted I napped two different times and was fortunate because since I had to hold Nethan that he decided to nap as well. Once we arrived the fun began as we tried to make it through Honolulu International with the stroller...this should not have been such a trial but it was. Then the shuttle...should not have been such a trial but it was... then we arrive and well first off Nethan has had a rough time with the jet lag. Then I was not feeling so hot but thought it was just the exhaustion from staying up before coming but we fell asleep the first night at 6:30 p.m noticed I said fell asleep. So tired couldn't even make it to the bedroom but that didn't stop Nethan from fussing and waking every few hours through the night. Finally around 3:30 a.m I managed to get into the actual bed. Friday was spent at Costco or rather Wrongway here had some issues remembering where it actually was since it has been two years so it took a while to find it and then as I said poor Nethan was having a heck of a time with the change in time...When Bryceton received a 2nd wind we did manage to head across the street to the Hilton Hawaiian Village for the fireworks. Today the plan was to get up and use jet lag to our advantage and hit the swapmeet and then Sam's Club and then finish it off with Wal-mart. Great plan and although logistically a very long day...totally doable unless Bryceton looks like hell and complains his throat and tummy hurt and has a 102 fever... Which is of course exactly what happened... Spent the day cleaning up one child and one mess after the other...Bryceton was a real trooper and I feel just awful for him... He was whining and scared when he lost control of both ends of himself if you get my drift...It is possible Nethan looked and acted so fussy yesterday because he had something similiar
or he is still going to get it...Nevertheless we made it through and I am still hopeful we are going to have a great time...All this just gave time to reflect on the differences in my Hawaiian vacations over the past few decades...

1984: I was 21 and had graduated college and spent the summer here...that was an amazing time...I think I will elaborate at some future time but jump a decade to 1994 and you find I had a great time as I had broken up with that loser Jeff In 2002 I was here with Bryceton and praying and preparing to get pregnant and hold a Nethan in my arms and onwards to today 2004...Single mom caring for my boys and still have not made it to the beach yet and whereas 20 years ago I would just about now at 8:30 be finishing my dinner date and making excuses to get home to get ready to go out at around midnight to meet up with someone different or meet new someone(s). In 1994 I was most likely caught up in reading some novel and probably less than 50% chance I went out on a Friday night alone or with someone. In 2004 I am about to go clean up all the crumbs on the towels from Nethan's feast and a boot a load of laundry of clothing with green barf and green poop on them...I tell ya' time and time again... single motherhood is not for the weak and now also add single motherhood is not for the weak in the stomach or for those prone to g