Crystal Clear

Sorry is NOT the Hardest Word

Crystal Clear, "NO" ranks right up there.

• NO, there are more important things to do than search through my email to prove I did something or find you didn't send me something you thought you did or tell you I haven't heard anything yet or playing the CYA game
• NO, being exempt does not mean you take precedence over my children,sleep or health day after day, and week after week, for months at a time. There are definitely times of crisis and push. Three out of four weeks is not "times", it is an anxious way of operating I won't do.
• NO, just because I would do something differently does not mean I am inept, incompetent, or that your way is correct. In fact if you checked with me you might think my way made sense or even more sense.
• NO, you are never going to find someone to do the things I can do with my expertise, education, and experience that can do all you are asking and still live congruently with personal values of family and children. Frankly, I seriously doubt you can find someone with my mixture of experience and education who would take this on. And if you did...guess what they'd have a personality style too
• NO, it is better to come directly to me and clarify what you thought was understood than to ask someone else and engage in office gossip. I thank you for the opportunity and am probably refreshingly to you, able to say, Oops! or I am so sorry and never place blame or responsibility on another person without a context or systemic understanding of why something probably happened.

I am guessing you can see pretty well what is going on here. Not too many worries though. Nope...not too many...Faith is strong and God has a plan...I won't fight it..

And by the way... Bryceton finished 3rd grade today! I am so sorry his third grade ended up being such a waste of time for him. At end of scool last year he was reading at about 4-5th grade level and he leaves 3rd grade at about 5th grade level. Writing skills not much  better and his math is still amazing but still made no serious gains as he should have. Things this next year will hopefully be better as I have a suspicion it was largely the teacher who was just happy he was in the proficient level or whatever the hell they call it ... no context for them... nope.. just within the area.

My parents are back from  Phx now and the three of us here are soooooo happy. Last night we saw "Over the Hedge" the  movie sucked but how nice to share Nethan's hearty laughter with them. They also remarked how grown up Bryceton is looking and how well Nethan is doing with his speech despite there being ongoing concerns he is delayed...Bryceton is excited he will get to spend the next week with them just sleeping and vegging and watching TV and playing game cube before starting day camp. For me it means a bit more sleep for a week and a whole lot less nagging. I have a feeling Nethan will feel a whole lot differently though as he still continues to worship Bryceton. He adores him. He hugs on him  and kisses him and Bryceton...well he reciprocates most of the time unless it involves Yu-gi-oh or a neighbor friend is available. Both boys are just such a KICK to be around  when I keep them FIRST.

Take Notes...

The graphic on the right, although tongue in cheek, has significance to me. I loved both Legally Blonde movies because in  some sense I could truly relate to Elle's experiences and I loved cheering her on as she surprised everyone.

It may come as some surprise but I was quite the hotty when I was younger. I had long blonde hair and was relatively hot and was seen primarily as those two things: Blonde and Hot. It hopefully won't come as a surprise but I was also always  highly intelligent. I had always known I was smart. However, whether my issue or the male species issue... not a single male ever got past the first two... I was Blonde and Hot. I can't think of a single guy who took me seriously for far too many years. Not to say I didn't eventually capitalize on it a bit by going to Japan with my MBA and working with Japanese businessmen raking in beaucoup bucks for the company...but  it took two masters degrees, a lot of therapy, and a great deal  of experience before I and some men could begin to appreciate both my intelligence and attractiveness. Somewhere along the line,thank goodness,  I had embraced the saying:

Beauty fades ....stupidity is FOREVER.

Yes,okay,  it was right alongside the saying:

Nothing tastes as good as being a size 4 feels.

But back to the post... I write all of this because I think it is relevant to the coffee I had with 43rd district Representative Kymberly Pine on Monday morning.

You too can also write letters and make phone calls and PUT YOURSELF  out there... Be nervous and anxious. This was not easy for me to do. You never know until you put it out there and ASK. Ask for a meeting. Go ahead... ASK...

I never saw myself as a person who would get a personal response or who would know what to do with a personal meeting.Granted I truly think Kymberly is a special type of politician and I am very grateful she is my representative, I still suggest you do the same and hope you have the same ype of experience I had.

Kymberly was just as beautiful and as warm as she appears in her picture. . She was engaging, genuine, and really fun to be around. I was nervous I admit. I also know I reframed it on the drive to being excited to have such an opportunity and proud (??)  somehow Hawaii has this type of engagement possible. We talked about the obvious local issues of housing and education and she listened as I shared my experiences of having moved here with plans of improving the lives of myself and my boys and yet the minimization/devalutaion/lack of understanding by Hawaii regarding the profession of  Marriage and Family Therapy. While sharing my thoughts and impressions of the mental health system, she suggested we should get me on one of the Governor's task force committees. Comical and intuitive because I am so naive I was going to ask her what the process is regarding being appointed to a task force committee! I also out of my naivete asked her about getting this May proclaimed Foster Care  month in Hawaii as I had no idea about the process or whehter it was too late.This is definitely in the works and I will keep you updated. Take note...Seriously.. click on the link... check out getting your Governor to proclaim May-Foster Care Month...Do it. I am shocked something so simple hasn't been done in Hawaii  before and it definitely isn't too late for you to ask your own Governor. What a simple request with such possibilites for so many kids.Don't count on someone else having done it. Just do it. It is really easy.

Kymberly  appeared relaxed and yet genuine as she shared her experiences dealing with the various factions of local government. It was fun to share thoughts about Ed Case shaking up the Democrat establishment and wishing him well.  She really had a way of not only respecting my views  and questions about an issue but presenting a logical and rational explanation for her position that also addressed my underlying concern. Masterful...and I say that will complete respect.

Frankly, it was fun and it was a total blast. I enjoyed spending time with her and hope to meet with her again. I plan on meeting with her again. Not to mention it feels great to know who I am really voting for...

This single mom to two boys working a new job in a new home state who just lost her beloved grandmother and under went surgery made time to put herself out there and try it and can not possibly reccommend the experience highly enough.

Like That is a Bad Thing...?

Let's get this straight. This is good news. Also, according to military researchers, it isn't surprising because there is a new screening program for returning soldiers and the military is encouraging soldiers to reach out early to prevent more serious problems from developing. Thus results from this study can't truly be compared to earlier wars.

To add some Crystal Clear...clarity: I would truly be most concerned about soldiers who don't seek help or express some distress or residual from participating in combat. The severity of the experience(s) would seem to necessitate  processing, normalization, validation, and support. Folks who don't have nightmares or other symptoms would seem to be in my opinion possibly lacking in conscience or be in serious denial.

Experiences from 9/11, other traumatic situations, and PTSD have taught us the earlier the intervention the better the prognosis...even in those exhibiting no initial symptomatology. Additionally, and I am not sure I can present data or research to back me up on this next statement but definitely comes from years of experience in the treatment of PTSD and reading tons of literature and talking with other clinicians:

Those long term difficult cases the media likes to present, the folks who lose their lives and marriages and  end up in dire dire dire straights or suicide... ,are not uncommon to have pre-existing or underlying untreated mental health issues or characterological traits that were/are exacerbated by trauma.

PTSD is highly amenable to treatment. The majority of individuals are highly likely to be able to put the experience(s) into a meaningful context and actually become better and stronger individuals. Yes, meaningful context is a great part of the equation in thriving versus surviving. Those who undermine, disparage, and  pathologize the seeking and finding of a meaning by those who served, are the true never-ending nightmare.

Relevant:

Blogs:Nurses Corner

Amazon: PTSD & Treatment

I Miss Being a Therapist

At first I was surprised I didn't miss it very much. Now as I suffer the throes of crazy-making people, double binds, and office politics... I realize what I miss most about being a therapist.

I miss not having so many moments in a day where I feel inept and incompetent. I miss not having to be "on" so much and so guarded around people.

I am for the most part a very genuine person. I also am through and through a very very honest person when it comes to NOT telling lies. I don't have problems saying , Yep, I screwed up. I made a mistake or I didn't know or I forgot or I let it slip through the cracks...However, I am hating how often it seems to be happening with this job. The other part of being a therapist is that you spend far more time being with people. I just can't get into taking all this paperwork stuff so darn seriously. I really believe the proof is in the pudding. Treatment isn't good because of paperwork and procedures. All the procedures in the world don't ensure good treatment. Well enough for tonight... I miss my old job and I miss being me in my old job.

Soon You Will Find Me Listed...

here as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT).

I am proud and greatly relieved to announce I passed the national AAMFT exam which is  used for licensing Marriage & Family Therapists here in Hawaii. Although the rat bastard insurance companies here do not yet recognize LMFTs as "vendors", licensed MFTs are used clinically to train and supervise staff who provide services. It is challenging for NPOs here to find and hire LMFTs as the rate of pay is, in my humble opinion, absurdly and insultingly low relative to the amount of education, training and money required to actually become an LMFT. Crystal Clear with only around 175 LMFTs here in Hawaii,  this  was a great boon for my organization. For myself professionally, this just about assures job security here in Hawaii.

Get Me Some of That

Several longtime readers wrote over the past few days asking about us and well it seemed like the time to indulge myself..How sad is that? Writing on my blog is considered indulging myself?

At first the comments about me handling my job and doing well seemed so strange to me because I don't feel like I am handling it very well. Of course there are moments where I feel ok and fine and it is a great match. However there are just as many moments in the past week or so where I am just absolutely overwhelmed I am going to not make the grade and am not going to make it past my trial period of six months. I don't think it is my personality flaws that are necessarily getting in the way either. I think it is a phenomenally difficult albeit challenging position. I am the third person in 2 years. My boss is the last person to have held this position for any length of time which adds its own dimension to it. Then throw in the part that I am sleeping in bed with the two boys and living with my parents and have a 45 minute commute and my thyroid meds are off and well ...I think I am doing quite well. Just maybe not good enough for their needs...then again the length of time it takes to recruit a new person ...and accreditation and RFPs coming up...well they might best be stuck with me and working with me...Frankly at this point I have just decided to find my own way through it... I think it is a good match. I like the work I am doing. I think I am uniquely qualified and unless they find a single woman with no kids with my experience...they would best to stick it out with me as well. Also as a side note, if and when I get the Hawaii license as a Marriage Family Therapist , I will have solid job security and marketability.

Biggest news is Nethan starts Pre-school tomorrow.What an event this shall be considering he just fell asleep on my lap about 10 minutes ago and it is midnight...He will definitely be better off on most every account. I just still can't help but worry and be concerned about the long days he will have ahead of him. I also wonder about him and his stubbornness in fitting in and dealing with their schedule. He is definitely head strong and very stubborn. For November he will be going three days a week. That is terrific in my book. By December he will be full time.

The home I want is not available for unknown number of MONTHS.No reasonable explanation. Looks fine except it is missing washer and dryer but the mgt company/dev't company  won't release it. Because of the stress of living here and it is by all accounts by all individuals stressful..I have decided to take another unit which is a duplex with the plan to move to the other unit in several months. This will either help things a great deal or will push me right over the edge.

My other blogging news is that I am about to also be involved with the Hawaii Association of Marriage and Family Therapists as a member of a team of spokespeople regarding mental health issues in Hawaii. Highly likely I will also be a board member. As I will be preparing and presenting testimony, I anticipate writing it up here on my blog and getting feedback and certainly having readers email the legislators wouldn't hurt either. So look forward to that. Which also falls into line with my realization back when I  was looking for work, I write better and think better when I am blogging. It helps me get past the writer's block and makes writing and communicating much easier. Not to mention, I like blogging, I miss blogging, and I really enjoy and treasure the relationships I have developed. The support and interest mean a great deal when I feel like I have the past week or so......very very lonely...very very alone...So don't write me completely off...

Operation Hula for the Moola COMPLETED!

Oops...I Did it Again...Several Times No Less

No, no, no, nothing along the lines of a Britney...I just wrote a brief post earlier about KFI640's billboard clarifying Los Angeles is still part of the United States and then stupidly closed the window before publishing the darn bugger.Grrrrr... I then caught something on Fox news about the foster-care system in the USA and how PTSD is more than twice as prevalent in foster youths than in US war veterans. I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences as a therapist who works with foster teens and as someone who was a therapeutic foster parent to a toddler for a year. However, I ended up getting a tad engrossed in reading a bunch of stuff about foster care and the Casey Foundation recommendations to improve the system. You really would have enjoyed the post I have in my head and heart...You probably would have exclaimed aloud..."Wow...she is absolutely right"....You see the recommendations missed a few important and highly relevant considerations. A great example of how I feel  a bit overwhelmed with all I know about a topic regarding behind the scenes information. I want to condense it down to a brief post but my synapses are firing in too many directions. The topic is so very close to my heart. I hope I can figure out a way... even over time... to share and perhaps inspire even one reader to take that so very important next step they may have been thinking about with regards to actually  becoming a foster parent or CASA worker (like Denise or Amy) or even Big Brother/Big Sister (I did that too in 1996). Not only will you change a lifetime...you will change yourself as well. I won't and can't sugarcoat the experience but if you are at all even thinking about it or considering it.... (I know I heard that many many times when I told people I was actually moving forward with becoming a foster parent)....actually DO IT! Go look into it and then you will know... then you can decide...Right now it is just a phrase you say when you hear others doing it...So go start it..NOW..Any questions about the process or experience...please ask... I don't know how quickly I will respond...but I will promise to do my best...Really is true you know...

“One hundred years from now it will not matter

What kind of car I drove
What kind of house I lived in,
How much I had in the bank account,
Or what my clothes looked like.

But the world will be a better place
Because I was important in the life of a child.”

Food for thought

The Fundamentals of Good Manners

These five fundamentals should set you in good stead. Good manners are extended to everybody, regardless of whether you know them, on which side of town they live, or whether they tithe.

Be Humble: Others first, yourself last. Self-denial and deference to others ("After you") are the cornerstone of good manners, acting selfish or uppity is not. This commandment is indisputably rooted in the Bible Belt theology ("the first shall be last, and the last shall be first").

Be Courteous: Remember the Golden Rule. Go out of your way to be helpful and kind to everyone you encounter.

Behave Yourself: Don't be uncouth, rude, brash, loud, coarse, or cause a commotion in public. Only trashy types do such things.....and obviously this is because they weren't raised to know better.

Be Friendly: Put your friendliest foot forward, whether you've been properly introduced or don't know the person from a hole in the ground. Be sociable and neighborly, just like you learned in Sunday School ("Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself").

Be Modest: Never be highfalutin'. Practice modesty in all situations. "Why, shucks, I guess I was in the right place at the right time" would work just fine upon learning that you had won the Pulitzer Prize. "Of course I won it, I deserve to" would absolutely categorize you as too big for your britches.

---

Now that's all for tonight's Southern Lady's lesson in manners and civility, for those of you who need it (I think we know who that might be tonight, bless her heart)!  Sweet dreams, darlings!

--Beth  ;-)

 

Got Comments?

       The blogosphere is definitely an interesting gathering place. Crystal Clear, I never cease to be amazed by the kindness,support, and sense of community I feel with my readers and fellow bloggers. The smiles, support, and feedback are rewarding and appreciated. Respectful and thought-provoking comments grounded in some semblance of reality that don't agree with my opinons are also encouraged and welcomed.

    Less amazing and genuinely quite disheartening are the anger, bitterness, and cruelty some readers feel the need to share with me regarding my blog and what I choose to do with it. I do know much better than to take any of  it personally but it is kind of like offering someone a gift or inviting them into your home and having them...well...shoot...hmmm...what am I trying to say....

    It is kind of like opening a carton of spoiled milk  and accidentally taking a big swig...even though you really really regret it... you are still left with that awful taste in your mouth after you spit it out...

    Crystal Clear, I do put myself out here in the blogosphere. At times I can see it is akin to volunteering to be a target for those who are jealous, emotionally inept, lack personal insight, and project their own unresolved issues onto me in an abusive manner. I won't be manipulated into providing  free psychotherapy or helping the emotionally disturbed re-enact the abuse perpetrated upon them with myself being their victim. I don't and won't bother with any comment  I feel is abusive or don't feel is personally applicable or useful. I do have enough confidence, training and self-awareness to know the difference, even if the commentator doesn't.

Mental Monday

Crystal Clear my personal situation might be enough to stop me blogging. To kick my butt out of this funk I was going to do a little link tour around the blogosphere to see what others are blogging about, besides the Pope (which I really don't have much to add at this point but might in a day or so) but as things ended up, I happened upon a few mental health articles I thought I would share a few Crystal Clear thoughts on.
     Over at Yahoo! News, we have Children Who Watch TV More Likely to Bully. It is always more useful to search out the actual studies in these things but I am not highly motivated tonight. Instead I will tell you, which you probably might realize yourself if you read the piece is that it isn't the watching of TV that leads to bullying behavior. Bullies can be seen as children or also in the case of many adults, as people who have difficulties with feeling empathy coupled with poor coping skills,  little sense of personal power, and limited problem-solving abilities. This type of constellation arises out of a poor or ambivalent attachment to an early caregiver(s). Parents who spend time with their children instead of placing them in front of the boob tube are more likely to have "good enough" attachments. These children through repeated interactions with their caregiver(s) are able to internalize a sense of self-worth, ability to feel empathy, and various ways of solving problems. The emotionally sound or "good enough" parent is able more times than not, to be a container for the child's negative and rageful experiences until the child has integrated it for  himself. It isn't the TV...
    A great example of what many of the caregivers are up to while the kidlets are watching TV is another study telling us  Half of U.S. Kids Face Parent Substance Abuse . Also frightening to see is Kids Suffer From Parents' Meth Addiction . In that article there are some things I would like to explore further concerning the foster care system and the recividism of meth addicts but will have to leave it for another post. Suffice to say for now... California has learned the hard way that diversion programs don't work as well as jail time.
    Rounding up my Mental Health Monday we do find great example that Cognitive therapy works as well as antidepressants, but with lasting effect after therapy ends. What isn't written in this article or study and what your health insurance won't tell you is that medication is cheaper than psychotherapy. However, now for a bizarre sort of conclusion to this little piece....Meth is actually cheaper financially speaking than most of the newer SSRIs...

Part of What Pays the Bills

'The clues were all there'

Yes, I know of this story and just in case you are wondering... Yes, I see this type of kid quite regularly and frequently....and we always let the school and social worker/probation officer know...The kids always deny they really meant it....when they are held accountable for their threats...The main difference with the kids I work with...I think is they don't have such easy access to guns...If they had the guns, a few of them would have already gone off on a spree...Just a thought... I am not necessarily for or against gun control....

I just am trying to share that there is a tremendous amount of anger and hurt in the kids I see ..

    Perhaps, when things settle down with Terri and she is safe in custody.... I will write more...

Bit of a Slowdown...

    Your comments and e-mails are wonderful. I appreciate it greatly and rest assured I am planning on returning to regular whatever that is...blogging shortly. Just physically so beat I have been going to sleep early for me after still trying to do the dishes and other "house stuff"...My desk and bank account remained fucked up and it is hard enough to come up with money for childcare...let alone an accountant...but you all did inspire me to ask my aunt who might be willing to help figure this out...I have a wonderful long-time friend down in Santa Monica who will do my taxes if I can just get the stuff together..Flylady would not be proud with the way my sink looks right now...if I felt better it might be worth it ...I don't.... As I wrote earlier, I do believe most of this is medication or physiological in nature... I have decided to try to muster up enough energy to try and get that part back on track...Part of what I didn't mention before that makes it hard to blog is that I have this kind of personal eyeball  earthquake thing going on...My eyes are not twitching but are kind of the whole eyeball is jittery at times going back and forth.... When I stand up I am dizzy  and almost stagger a bit...off balance...I am "up" on the rotation for The Wide Awakes this afternoon and have some ideas that might get me back into blogging...I really do feel better about things when others take the time to see where I am "coming from" with regards to my bitterness and resentment ... I don't like sounding like a whiner or complainer or menopausal bitch...I do not like feeling "trapped" by my surroundings or situation and do feel it is 100% up to me to get us out of here...Mexifornia...a place I feel does not appreciate my tax dollars or our standard of living that continues to uncomfortably decrease or my working to support my family and blatantly  abuses my goodwill to further special interests that worship socialism...this all very well may mean a cutback in blogging and/or requesting some assistance in looking at my resume... Mexifornia really is THAT bad...and I know it is not going to get better...it is only getting worse...

How Tired Was I...?

    Well just like the last time I posted a post like that I succumbed to taking care of myself and my health in the mental and emotional sense. I took a 2 hour nap after trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my Quicken...Seems like there is  a 1715$ discrepancy...I don't know how I am going to find it but that along with the wonderful comments and a few emails was enough to send me to tears...and the nap. Picked up the boys, made dinner, had bath time, and somehow we all ended up schnuggling in my bed with Bryceton reading Harry Potter and Nethan practicing standing up and falling face forward on the bed...Yes I was so tired and wiped I didn't even get up to watch American Idol...I have it TiVo'd so I shall watch it tonight right before the next episdode...or oops we have the Occupational Therapist coming tonight so I don't know if might  all be postponed til later. So although I am still not quite up to speed and of course the house, my desk, and my finances are more than  twice as bad as it was yesterday when I tried to take care of it...off to work I go...Late~

A Personal Non-Personal Personal Post

    I have written this type of post before... no desire to bother with a link back to it ... I start off writing nothing to just kind of ease myself into rambling something for my own limited good. It was difficult to not blog last night but I was trying to enjoy American Idol after having taken the boys to storytime at the library.

    Storytime at the library was a sheer joy, I have missed more than I realized. Bryceton had I think become a little old or uncomfortable with the "little kids" there on Monday nights. Somehow we decided that taking Nethan would be fun for all of us...It was beyond pride to see Bryceton sitting there on the floor holding his brother in his lap lovingly and engagingly listening to a story together...surrounded by a bunch of other "little kids". Makes me well up with tears to know what a wonderful son I have and what a wonderful patient brother he is to Nethan. Bryceton is an amazing boy and amazing person. I really lucked out. This isn't my parenting...if anything my stressed to the max single mother routine probably stands in the way of him being even happier.

    Well that was a nice little sidetrack away from what was going on when I started this post and you know I think it would probably be best if I just left it there...Where I started this point is feeling absolutely miserable physically, emotionally, and mentally...wondering how the hell I am going to make it through today. This overwhelming sense of self-hatred just washes over me like a Tsunami...I get tired of swimming in this self-hatred...I won't drown but I am definitely tiring a bit right now as I am faced with what seems just too much to do:

Yes! We Need PTSD Blood Test ASAP

    Hadassah Research Reveals: PTSD May be Predicted Through a Simple Blood Test .This gem has been sitting in my drafts folder for quite a while. I find this research and the implications for the work I do as a psychotherapist absolutely fascinating. Part of my fascination has to do with trying to integrate this with what I have seen and experienced in dealing with PTSD survivors.             Although, I have not ever treated PTSD in a military or war sense, I  have worked with and continue to see a pretty fair amount of kids and teens who suffer from PTSD or numerous PTSD symptoms largely on account of multiple incidents from living in what I consider gang-infested war zones but referred to by them as the  hood.Also I have seen an awful amount of kids both males and females who suffer from PTSD related to sexual trauma...I myself have also suffered from various  PTSD symptoms with varying severity on a few occasions... for example, a personal incident I am not ready to share right now, the large Northridge Earthquake of '94 and when I almost died alone on my floor at home from internal bleeding after outpatient surgery in '96.
    Not quite ready for a full blown post on this issue and it may or may not come out but as the media picks up on stories of PTSD and how many cases are coming home from the war and how many vets are left untreated and the consequences of not being treated...well you can rest assured I will most likely be trying to make things more Crystal Clear by commenting and giving my experience that doesn't always fit with what I read and hear in the MSM radio and TV stories.

Can't Quite Be Completely Crystal Clear

Disclaimer. Please note that this piece contains only my opinions. Some of the information here may be fact, while other information may be fiction. I have done my best to present fact, mostly gathered from the Internet, but cannot be held responsible for information that I present, which may be untrue.

    As I wrote in my previous Blogging for Terri post this evening, tonight my blogging regarding Terri is in two separate posts. I won't quite explain why I am not going to link this post to all the other Terri blog posts including my own for various reasons but at this point the main reasons are that it is 1:28 in the morning and this is my blog. Perhaps, as I continue to write it might become more Crystal Clear why this is a separate and different post.
    I have mentioned in my blog a number of times my very strong faith. However, I really don't think I mention it enough or acknowledge it enough. My faith is rock solid and my main source of  living and comfort and confidence things always work out the way they are supposed to work out. Although I don't  have any real problem associating myself with Christian or Jewish blogs, I do admit I sometimes feel uncomfortable people just assume or even might assume I am a Christian and pigeon hole me  in with _____ fill that in with what...heavy duty??? Christians because I also blog from a pretty Conservative perspective.  I guess it is the assumption and being seen as something I am not that bothers me.  I am a Unitarian Universalist. which is generally explained as being based out of the Judeo-Christian faith. That having been said, my best guess is you would find most UUs would be aligned more with the pro-choice crowd than pro-life crowd. Also a pretty safe guess to also jump to is most UUs would be a bit more comfortable with the right-to-die crowd. The Pro-life crowd has embraced Terri's story full speed ahead as they see the implications regarding life and euthanasia. I completely agree and thus was eager to join them. However, in my opinion, euthanasia is only a part of Terri's story and really not the most important or most relevant part in saving her life.
    Enter and Re-enter MSM. I think the packaging of Terri's story  by MSM from the very beginning was conceived with the right-to-die conflict in mind. Newspapers have limited space. MSM TV can only handle sound bites. Terri's life has too many real-life intricacies and players to be packaged in a bite size radio or TV segment....unless of course you go right for the obvious bottom-line drama element of life or death. Any doubts? Just go check out the web site and the bazillion court documents.
    Since it is indeed my blog I am now going to jump in another  direction. The new direction has to do with the disclaimer you read at the start of this piece. I also feel somewhat in danger of writing too much in the sense I am licensed as a Marriage Family Therapist. I don't want there to be any doubt this is a personal blog post from a woman who knows Terri's life matters and is worth saving.

I do not know Terri's husband in any real life sense of the word. I only know what I see in the video and read in the court documents. So now I am only writing from the perspective and experience of having dealt with men like Terri's husband and the women who choose them as partners.

    Abusive men often seem to be cut from the Narcissistic and Psychopath bolts of personality cloth. If that were to be the case in a situation such as this, a man might dig himself in further when perceiving an outside threat or if actually threatened and told what he will or will not do by a court or family of his wife. There is also a chance he might lash-out impulsively. However, I think in a situation such as this one, if there is an attractive alternative where he feels it is his idea to not remove a feeding tube and he maintains ,at least for himself ,a sense of  control  or even the option to remove a feeding tube at some  future point in time, he might just choose to not remove a feeding tube right now on February 22, 2005. When we are dealing with a man who even feels more in control, outcomes are likely to be better. Furthermore and yet I admit unfortunately, there indeed is a very fine line to walk with regards to pushing and pissing off  narcissists. A man like this is not going to want to be seen as a villain. He will not like people nagging on him and questioning his decisions. That in fact is where I want to believe a change coming from the MSM and court of public opinion, with a way out for a man like this could help a great deal. It  literally could be a matter of life and death.

 

A Legal & Ethical Senior Moment

    Spent this beautiful sunny, in the 70 degree range, California weekend painfully away from the loves of my life pursuing Continuing Education Units for my license. Saturday was painfully spent learning about Aging & Long-Term Care . Today was painfully but very well spent on a Legal & Ethical Update with Lawrence E. Hedges, Ph.D., ABPP. I swear if I really thought about all the legal and physical danger I am in with regards to most of my clients, I would probably burn my license tonight in the outdoor fire pit. Instead,  I choose to embrace my faith and belief  I am doing a bit of what I was put onto this earth to do in this lifetime. A quote at the end of today really struck a note and was pretty much a paraphrase of a quote I have tried to embody through my work with each and every client through the past 13 years. I had thought about blogging about it a while back but didn't quite know where I wanted to go with the topic and quote. Tonight I wanted to share the quote with you and the author only I for the life of my can NOT find it anywhere and became too tired looking... I strongly believe it is by Jung and hope if I am wrong someone will correct me. The quote is something along the lines of In order to effect change (in psychotherapy) we must be open to being changed. This is a very vulnerable position and uncomfortable place to stay in for any length of time with most clients. Nevertheless, I truly believe it to be one of the keystones of beneficial therapeutic intervention. Just how does one go about it when you, as I am , are working with teen gang bangers who are not only perpetrators of crimes but are victims as well?

How does one keep the ability to effect change but not align one's self so much as to lose therapeutic distance and overly identify with the victim side and shun the perpetrator side of the client as disgusting or worse excuse the perpetrator side as not responsible for his/her choices and actions?

    Tonight, I will merely start by sharing this much...the effort and results are truly transforming and  worthwhile. I wish more people would just even start by attempting to do it with the people they love and then move onto those people they don't like and can't seem to easily understand. For example, I knew myself I was probably making a change/difference with clients  when I found myself swearing like a sailor!  No I didn't and don't need to speak fluent  gangsta... I know it well enough I will intersperse terms at appropriate times that are genuine to myself and the situation. Take a look at my picture again...Yes I am a WHITE woman and to many of these young men I may be a semi-hot old woman but I am a white old woman nonetheless. To the young women I am a white woman but the old thing and the white thing don't seem to come up as much.  Having written this much I still don't quite know where I wanted to go with this or what my point is or how to end it. Forgive me and realize as I wrote in my last post this truly is great for me to leave something undone and not perfect. I think I see this post as a preamble to my post for tomorrow for The Wide Awakes . Can be pretty challenging to read and integrate much more than this in the 30 seconds BE and BC provide... Yes...that is the ticket... I am going to stop now and go try to gather my thoughts (aka S L E E P) for the post I want to write tomorrow regarding a few things gangstas have taught me concerning  a War on Terror and what some Liberals (god I hate vague terms and names and qualifiers like that) don't seem to appreciate about themselves let alone the enemy.

Seems Most Everyone is Missing a Few Important Lessons from Andres Raya

    Please let me first start with a disclaimer: I am not at all a journalist, never wanted to be one, and never want to be one. I have however done a fair amount of reading including but not limited to this and this (PDF powerpoint presentation with photos and documents)as well as thinking regarding this sad  story of Andres Raya's murder of a police officer and shooting of another and his own death. As I work as a Clinical Director for foster group homes and psychotherapist with gang members and foster youths and always support the few who decide to leave the gang and enlist to serve our country, the United States of America, I am writing off the top of my head some of what I have in my heart.
    Whether you have an agenda to believe it was a case of Suicide by Cop and an example of the Bigoted Media and Police  as Ernesto Cienfuegos writes in his piece over at La Voz de Aztlan or want to use it as an example of the gang problem and problems with Marine recruitment , the things I am about to write and try to make Crystal Clear, I believe to be true, important, and not found anywhere else in the blogosphere and web at least that I could find.

    I 100% believe the evidence leads to the conclusion Andres was a Norteno or at the very least "kicked it" with them. In my personal experience, note the  MY in my experience, family members and other gang members won't  admit to police or outsiders a member is a member...ever.   In fact I often have found the most serious die-hard members are least to admit they are gangsters. Furthermore, just because a teen kicks it with or hangs with a gang does NOT mean they aren't involved in most every single  gang activity. It might just mean they have not been jumped into the gang. Family members know. They absolutely know...they for the most part just don't want to deal with it or are so over-worked and over-extended they can't take time to deal with it.Ever notice  most drive-by shootings are innocent by-standers??? A bit more checking usually leads to finding at least one  family member was a member or associated with members.
     It upsets me, greatly saddens me, and scares me his family and friends and  most families I work with do not speak up and take a stand on these issues but choose to remain blind, silent, held hostage by thugs and thus are most definitely complicit. Trust me, people who live in these areas and deal with this know what the colors red and blue mean. They know what those funny hand signs mean. They know what tattoos represent and mean. Yes, speaking up to authorities like the police is perceived as dangerous and in fact is dangerous for family and friends because of gang retaliation.  SO WHAT? The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
     It is highly improbable this was the first time Andres had stayed held up in his room, withdrawn, and displayed such disturbed behavior.  Although there must have certainly been tremendous relief and great pride this son had gone off to serve his country and not ended up in prison like his brother, so many more could be helped and the family and friends could help transform this tragedy by speaking the whole truth and not blaming his service to our country. The current denial and distortions by this family and these friends are so terribly useless and divisive. Furthermore, the Voz De Aztlan and others do nothing  to address these issues and the serious problems with Hispanic youths and gangs but continue to incite hatred, contribute to misinformation and thrive on out right delusions.Instead they and many others use it as a case to further their own agendas. Shame on all of them. I really believe this to be a deplorable example which could have been used in a lesson and  much better service to law-abiding Hispanics and all of us who truly want a better life and future for our world and our  children.
    I really had planned on writing much more about this case and how the police, military and many others in the media have missed &/or minimized or moved on after they uncovered his connection with gangsters. The other lesson being missed is that it is highly likely this brave young man who did bravely serve our country but died so obscenely did indeed have PTSD. To dismiss his PTSD on account of his gang affiliation is ridiculous and a missed opportunity. Gang members and those who live in gang-infested areas such as the one referred to here by The Smarter Cop are in war zones. Plain and simple yet ugly.  It rattles my mind to know of all those needlessly living in war zones in the USA.  It really is Crystal Clear to me this young man most likely did try to take his gangster skills and use them in an appropriate and highly worthy fashion.  Unfortunately I am all typed out tonight so sharing further clarity on the failure and loss of this young man is going to have to wait.

Doing My Part for the Vast War Machine

My personal roller coaster of Christmas frenzy, exhaustion and hormonal misery is on an upswing this past 1/2 hour  so I decided to take a break from bringing in the Walmart, Sam's Club, and Toys R Us purchases. I am so biting at the bit to address both the track-back from Amanitaand the comment from Caroline, but my new prescription of LexaprX hasn't kicked in yet. I am a bit worried my response would be vitriolic and would embarrass myself or...each of them further...So I will cross my fingers some reader(s) will have a bit of time to help provide Crystal Clear clarity to these two young women who provide  great examples as to what is screwy about the value judgment to have ToBGLAD events during school time. Each lady demonstrates by her own comments why school time is not appropriate for ToBGLAD events.  Although as far as I am concerned they can have ToBGLAD events as often as they like and I am quite certain ToBGLAD day was highly valuable for both the audience and speakers, my post was not about questioning the value of such events. Biting my tongue  keyboard...Even extending the plausibility the majority of Caroline's mistakes were typographical in nature rather than spelling and grammatical, I wish she realized her choice in a lover is only one way people in school and the world are going to look at her...  or discriminate against or for her...What she has to say and how she expresses herself are far more important than her sexual orientation. Grown-ups of any true depth of character and the bottom line in business in the "real" world are going to care more about what type of character she demonstrates and how she contributes or adds to society and the lives of people around her.
     It really is nice Caroline's speech and the ToBGLAD events helped other students widen their horizons and increase both insight and tolerance. However in my opinion, the ToBGLAD panels and events would have provided just as much benefit if they happened outside of school. A cursory glance at both Caroline's and Meredith's observations supports my belief classroom time would have been more appropriately and wisely invested in helping students improve their spelling, grammar and most importantly... critical thinking skills than helping other students know that calling people names such as ___ or ___ while they walk down the hall is not nice and hurts feelings. It seems Crystal Clear to me both young women  could only address the post in a limited and superficial manner. The best time and the appropriate place to learn,develop, and enhance thinking skills is SCHOOL!...My guess is the other industrial countries who scored higher than the USA use SCHOOL time for SCHOOL subjects all the way from elementary through High School...If the American educational system wants to use resources, energy and time for things such as ToBGLAD events, it is not likely we will produce as many top notch scientists and mathematicians as other industrialized countries. However, among other things, it is likely we will produce more and more citizens who feel both appropriately and inappropriately righteous in their feelings but can't adequately present their reasoning, arguments, or intelligently discuss it with those who disagree or hold a different point of view.

Now I am Really Concerned about Me Too

This is not a funny post at all and although I want to chuckle...I am now scared.
Geneva may be far more correct than she thought when she said I should seek Psychiatric help...
You know those days where you wake up in a jolt because you think you have to get up and go to work and then realize you are jumping the gun so you go back to sweet slumber relieved...Or you know those days where you make those slips where you joke and silly mistakenly  think it is one day when it feels like another....This is not one of those days for me.
I just spent the last twenty minutes trying to figure out what day it is. Completely serious. The alarm went off and so I hit it to go to snooze. After it comes off snooze I begrudgingly get up and stumble out here to make the coffee and stop at the computer. When I check my email I realize that it indeed might not be Monday December 6 but I feel terribly confused because I ...well I thought or think it really is Monday..After all I am sitting up and if it were Sunday I would still be asleep...So I surf on over to Google news to see what is going on and indeed it does look like it is Sunday December 5, 2004 because when I click on a story that says 31 minutes ago it comes up as Sunday December 5.
I am not  laughing about this. This is not funny. Stress? Yes but I have been far more stressed than this before... Peri-Menopause??? Hypothyroidism?? Menopause???  I have an appointment with an Endocrinologist on Tuesday so if I don't completely lose it by then I have something else I need to share with him...I guess I better go write it down.....

Doodlebug...Oodles of Doodles

Fun, Fun, Fun Stuff!
Once again stumbling around aimlessly while avoiding paying bills led me to this site called Doodlebugs. Just giving it my first shot I came up with this original piece of art...I was inspired by their challenge of Split Personalities...If you create your own account and/or own doodles please let me know! Also check out the other real pieces of doodling and you will be amazed at what some talent can do with a mouse...

That Point

A day or so ago I hit that point in the trip. That point is the point when I start to think about what might happen or would happen if I just decided "Hey, I am not going back."
I am totally and absolutely 100% serious. But yep I think about hey, this is my parents' condo and what are they gonna do??? Eventually they will come back but they would never kick us out. I would want to move before they wanted us to leave and I know I could find a place before that happened. As far as my ghetto home in Ventura...Fuck it....Yep those words came out of my fingers. I have no attachment to that place...other than some personal items you can have everything right down to my dirty 1995 Blazer. They have a beautiful PT Cruiser here that has less than 10K miles on it...Although I do hate driving around in a car that has "To Cute" for a license plate because I hate people thinking that I spelled "Too" the wrong way. As far as friends...well if you live in Hawaii it is pretty safe to say that anyone you really want to see again is eventually gonna come to visit. What else? My job? Hmm ...As much as I love what I do and as much as I love the group home kids...and I genuinely do...they could easily replace me and I am always surprised by how easy it is for me to let go of thinking and worrying about them...Not to mention that of course there are certainly group homes for foster teenagers here in Hawaii that need psychotherapy too...So you see there is really no reason to not stay and more reasons to stay!! ... Indeed I have asked Bryceton if he is sure he wants to go back and he answered "Yes, he is not ready to stay...yet."
I forget about this point. I am always surprised by it and yet it has come during every single trip except for the year I was married. One year I tried to convince my sister to get off the plane. I told her "Hey, noone would doubt that we got into a fight and missed the flight..." She had a boyfriend back in Phoenix though and was not willing.
Bryceton already knows that when Nethan heads to college in seventeen years I will be heading here to stay for good for the rest of my days... Until that time I guess we just keep visiting and I will keep hitting this point...

Aloha Vacation!

After finishing last night I realized that yahoo travel and the other travel sites had glaring omissions...Aloha Air and Hawaiian Air. I was able to find flights out on Wednesday the 21st and returning the 13th of August but I was not able to get the work ok or cover my clients in time to book it. No matter we are officially booked now to leave on the 22nd in the early morning and return the 13th of August. So yes it will be a glorious and I mean to make it that way too

A Bit Rougher

If you don't follow my Crystal Clear Meme Blog then you don't know the Nanny quit on Saturday with no notice. This is a mixed blessing and I am confident everything will work out fine but for right now it leaves me the single mom scrounging and begging and stressing for childcare and trying to still work and oh yes the rest of my chaotic life. Yesterday was Dr. Herbert Grossman, a pediatric Neurologist at UCLA. What a complete waste of my time. I actually think it made things worse as it re-ignited my contempt and hatred for doctors and belief in their uselessness. This is only my humble opinion and experience.

Major Catch Up Time

Hmmm where to begin. I have written so many emails lately about all that is going on and all that is not going on with Nethan that I have not had any energy to write about it here.
Part of why I picked up blogging again is to have a central place for people to read about what is going on instead of me having to type the same email over and over again and instead I have just connected with more wonderful caring praying people who are desirous of updates!
Thursday was pretty much an intense increase Crystal's stress day as I met with a new general pediatrician who I knew more than AND the Nanny started to whig out in very bizarre ways. The stress is clearly getting to all of us and I just can't completely deal with divorcing her right yet...My parents showed up from Phoenix later that night. I was so glad to have them here. Really Really Really G L A D....However, on
Friday when I was going to blog my mom threatened me that if I sat down at the computer she would walk out the door....So here is the rest of what has been going on...

I Really Did Write a Post

I really did write a post and then somehow hit something that closed the window and thus L O S T my post... Could not find it in the cache or anywhere... It is just lost...Just typical.
Well the munchkins are still asleep and I am not going to go through writing the post again. Suffice to say it was really more for my mental health than to inspire any of you. So today is going to be about prepping to paint the living room and hallway. Nethan has not pooped since explosions on Thursday and although he is not uncomfortable... yet... I am, of course, highly anxious and scared. It is not a good sign that once again a laxative works for a few weeks and then slowly but surely we end up right like we are today..... The doctor's instructions are to double the dose for 3 days. The freaky scary part is that if that does not work then he will have not produced for 6 days. That is not going to happen. I am going to double it today and give him a suppository. I am certain there is stuff right there ready to come out. So why isn't it coming out?
Although I did finish the kitchen floor and am now moving right on to painting the living room... I face the same old obsessive compulsive plight of starting.... My personality is so clearly one that gets great ideas and does a great deal of saddling up... which leads to me being more miserable as I live with the chaos....

Visit to "CHELLA"

Ok so CHLA is now to be named C HELL A.... Our appointment was set for 9:45 yesterday morning. I left here in time to deal with the rush hour traffic down to LA. The next hassle factor was having to stand in line to get through security. Next stop, check in at exactly 9:45. We sit there until noon and still have not filled out paperwork. I look around me and realize I am in HELL...

Crystal the Renter Improver

So this is what I have been up to today. Well actually that is the "right as I realized I didn't take 'before' pictures and have just started to rip the baseboards off" picture. Here
is a picture of the nasty flooring and the dark cupboards without the distracting clutter. True to form it has been three times more time-consuming and more difficult than I imagined. No it really isn't that difficult of a job to do. The challenging part is doing it while also having Bryceton and Nethan underfoot! Single motherhood is not for the weak or fearful... it is crystal clear it is for

Would it be better or worse to have 3 of me?

That was my thought this evening as I was doing the dishes and kicking myself I was too tired to give the kids a bath tonight. Realizing my favorite TV show (actually my ONLY TV show) was just not exciting me as it usually does. Just nothing is. I want to just crawl into a hole and not come up until it is April 30. Shoot not even sure I want to come up then unless I know it is going to be definite good news. I mean definite in that it will all be understandable and we will know for certain that everything is healthy and normal. Just realized that is not going to happen either becasue even if the Dr. does the biopsy right then and there we won't get the results of the biopsy until the following week.
If I had three of me...One of me could be playing and loving on my kids, the other would be doing stuff to clean up from today, and the third would be doing stuff to prepare for tomorrow to help things go more smoothly. Makes sense right? Only then I realize even if the me loving on my babes is able to not think about the stuff that needs to be done, the other two are likely to NOT be able to do that. So I would be increasing my anxiety and stress. Or would I? I am too exhausted to even give that thought any energy. I suppose all three would get sleep so that would be nice. I just can't do this tonight.
Under the category of "I don't get it" is this finale of the show The Apprentice. I have never watched it and frankly don't get it. It just seems like a bunch of inept people. I had to turn it off.