Crystal Clear

Christmas Came Early

Although I could definitely come up with a bazillion things I  want  and a few million  I actually "need", I , just as I was last year, thrilled to have my mom come out and help me this past weekend.  Having her here just totally blew my mind to see what she could get done in a day when I have had weeks. Her organizational expertise can not be matched. Her ability to not be overwhelmed and walk away ... wow was I blessed when it came to a mom , or what?!

Sheesh, she not only had to put up with me in my funk and bad hormonal headache on Saturday, but she managed to pull off dealing with the boys with an awesome amount of grace as well! Lest we jump to the conclusion she is not of this earth, the woman was very stressed by being here, and rightly so, and STILL managed to leave me speechless besides uttering as many THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUs I could manage to get out. Of course there are NOT enough thank yous to give her. I know she is disappointed in me and the disarray of our home and yet I benefit. Think about that next time you talk to your mom, think of the disappointment you are to her and yet all she does for you. That has to be in the definition of motherhood somewhere, or it needs to be.

Beginning to Feel a Lot Like

Christmas? Challenging to say the very least to try and accomplish a Christmas feeling when it is in the mid to upper 80s and you are pulling out all the Christmas decorations while wearing your bikini.

We are trying to rise to the occassion and of course the boys have no problem at all telling me time and time again it is Christmas time and that Santa will be here in 29 28 days!

I myself, Crystal Clear am having serious deja vu because it was just a year ago we were moving into the exact same layout of a home right at Christmas time..Arghhhhh. The pressure is immense to try and get the place and junk moved in as well as make time for the regular Christmas time fanfare:

• Pics and visit with Santa
• Shopping
• Wrapping and sending when possible if I don't procrastinate too long
• work
• toys for tots or something for the less fortunate to remind the munchkins we are beyond forunate in all we have and take for granted
• the tree
• making sugar cut out cookies and as many other Christmas cookies and delights as I can
• last year we went to some Santa breakfast thing and I would like to do it again but funds may be too tight
• other holiday parties and extravaganzas

The tree is up and done! This is the only positive to having a fake artificial tree. I resisted until last year when we moved here. The price of a cut tree is just way too extravagant and a bit silly when it is so hot here. I miss it but the kids have adapted easily as they love having it up now in November. So there you go... I did start the shopping on the Tuesday before T-giving as Bryceton's orthodontist is near a Toys R Us. So Nethan is about bought for... he is getting cars and cars and cars... That my friend is another story... We did try to expand his world by getting him a sit and spin ( I always wanted one)  as well as some Sesame Street ABC game.... (you can of course spell CAR) Bryceton is at that age where pretty much everything he wants is $100+...he will probably end up a tad disappointed yet happy as he is getting his Storm Launcher already bought for on the Toys R Us site. So it begins... My present to myself is going to be a red beach cruiser bike... In the interest of having some future posts to make between my paid advertiserments and since I am in the pursuit of a few on ebay, I shall leave it at that for now!

Hey My Family is on MySpace

Wenike is my sister and has pics of the cruise.... and then there is also Nicki (also has pics of cruise) and Michelle and I think it might have been Jennifer (tons of cruise pics and pics of her gorgeous self as well) who started them all out on it...There is also my nephew Trevor whose profile is wisely set to private... and my other nephew Michael... I am not sure if my niece Chelsea is there but I don't have her link if she is. Little Miss Heather is a tad too young at this point but you can see her adorable little self there. There is something about Myspace that just gives me the heeby jeebies and I don't know if I can quite explain it quickly... I think, besides the Crystal Clear danger it is for kids... it has to do with all the noise and colors and chaos... I think it is overstimulating... but it is honest to goodness fun to have my family on the web.... now I just wish I could nudge them into full blogging...

White Trash Gene Can be Cute

    For as long as any of us can remember, Nethan has been whacked out crazy in love with cars. Initially it was more Hot Wheels and actual cars than trains and airplanes. However over the past few months he has become completely enthralled with Monster Jam and Monster trucks. I have TiVod it daily and he watches it after school while I help Bryceton with his homework. It is strange to me how he knows all the names of the trucks and has even picked up the name of many of the "moves" the truck makes.

What FUN!

 

    Farrell's is BACK! What fun memories I have of eating at Farrell's in the Christown Mall in Phoenix back in the 70s. I loved ice cream then and of courseI love it now. Somewhere I am certain I have a ribbon proudly announcing "I made a pig of myself at Farrell's" by eating  Pig's Trough which is comprised of 2 bannana splits.

    It wasn't just about the ice cream at Farrell's though. It was about  loud sirens, clanging bells, the drum, the staff in their straw hats and black and white outfits, humorous statements on the menu such as "No matter how long it takes, our service is always fast", and of course the birthday parties with the "Zoo".

    Although I was in my 20s, I remember being sad and confused when the Farrell's closed down. I am excited to share the Farrell's experience with my boys and am betting they will enjoy it as much as I did. Memories to come...unfortunately now I am the one who has to worry about those calories from the ice cream!

Hodge Podge

Whoa what a day...in the interest of trying to head off my recent bout of awful insomnia, I thought I would dump it all here.
    So here we go...It is nice to feel appreciated... I don't know if I really am but it feels like it right now at my new employer and that is very nice.I will definitely take it..Being a mental health professional has far more going for it in many ways for me than an Execuative. Especiallly as far as quality of life is concerned. It really reminds me of what it is like to come out of an abusive relationship where your sense of self was slowly attacked and demeaned and degraded over time with seemingly simple little things but they all add up to leave you demoralized and detached from your true self. Abusive relationships have a way of making you question whether the sky really is blue.... They see gray. They see clouds. You see sun but insidiously over time...not in a bang against the head you can defend and rationalize reasonably and run away quickly ..but slowly their poison invades and seeps into your life and your mind and soul and self..Terribly trying to remain sane when you are in an abusive relationship. Although movies of the week would have you believe these abusive partners come with a blaring neon warning sign.. they don't. Very few people are complete 100% monsters. The vast majority are not evil  or evil all the time. They always have good points too. Perhaps the most sad part is they never recognize themselves as abusive. They truly do think they are right and that is the way things are done. They think if you could just behave the way they want you to behave there would be no problems. Having been caught up in their small little world, staying on the offensive as a defensive tactic they are not fluid or open or flexible. They find it hard to listen or question or answer your opinions and points as it would rock their very sense of self and thus their world. Truly the options are to end up depressed, psychotic, or to leave.
So you leave, you initially are joyous at the realization the sun really and truly is bright. You start to regain your sense of self and trust in your ability to be happy again. You don't cringe or feel you are walking on egg shells waiting for the next shoe to fall. However, in this case , out of Crystal Clear necessity, ending back in a work situation, you start to feel anxious and a bit uncomfortable when things do go smoothly and sanely as you can't quite trust it really is ok. After all at first you thought the other place was going to be ok too.... Very very unsettling. Same thing for women/men after they leave a domestic violence situation. Definitely a form of brainwashing and definitely a need for detox.

Bryceton & Nethan will both officially start school on Monday. Today there was an orientation at the school and a meet and greet the teacher. As Nethan just qualified for Special Ed yesterday, he wasn't completely and officially enrolled yet so we didn't know what classroom will be his. Both boys are excited Nethan will be at school there too. Very very cute. Adorable. I can't quite fathom Bryceton is a 4th grader. Holy Shiznit. And Nethan... my little babylicious.. my baby is off spending the night all by himself with Grandma and Grandpa. Bryceton is with a friend  and here I sit... preparing for the cruise  and trying to repair the damage they can effortlessly inflict...and well playing with my new cell phone.

    For a bit, I have started to feel very uncomfortable here on my own blog. Initially and still for a very large part, this was and is a fantastic place for support and for genuine thought provoking conversations with people who differ in their opinions from my own. However, at some point it ruined it and seriously spoiled it for me. Context for some reason is/was completely lost or misconstrued by some...whether on purpose or stupidity..Of course other bloggers completely get it ...The others don't or won't and ... well my best guess of an answer is jealousy and pettiness. But jealous and petty people can inflict serious strife and there is a risk involved in blogging I never ever anticipated and won't sign on for! It shouldn't have to concern me. I have thought about different scenarios...and the most appealing at this point in time was to take the most personal posts to a very anonymous blog.... and to continue here with the usual as well as delving off into some more creative aspecats of blogging such as vlogging and podcasting...So that is what I am thinking of right now... allows me the creative space to put together some multimedia presentations and those of you who know me and care for me in the blogosphere sense of the word can email me and gain access to the topsecret blog...

Just Where Do You Go for Vacation When You Live in Hawaii

A Disney Cruise of course! And a family reunion for 19 of us to boot! There is still a bit of concern my grandfather won't be joining us...I just can't stand the thought of him not going with us... Can not stand it...I just think of what I would give if my beloved Grandmother could be with us on this cruise in her honor...let alone be with us, period...I would give anything..ANYTHING...I miss her terribly. Friday was her birthday and it just majorly sucked all day and all night long.

The boys are of course very excited about the cruise and yet poor Nethan is having a hard time understanding it is still a few weeks away. I am very excited as well but this worry my grandfather won't be coming with us is really wearing on me and the others.

This cruise has been on my Things I Most Want to Do for a very very long time. It is really even more special though because all of us are going together. Largely because I can't stand Phoenix and very few of them ever came to Ventura, the times the family has been all together the past few years has never been for  more than a holiday gathering. The boys, and especially Bryceton, really enjoy hanging out with their cousins. I myself have not spent much time with my 5 year old niece and sadly have grown a bit apart from my nephew as he enters the teen years. Although I can imagine 9 days of all of us together could be a bit trying, I am betting that good ol' Disney Magic is going to spell success!

Tears Tears Tears...

     It would be easy to say TEARS about my birthday on Friday...and easy to say TEARS about all that is going on and not going on at work...but what a heartbreaker to share  our afternoon was spent in consoling Bryceton who was crying about his friend August, visiting from Ventura with his mom, leaving us...
    It was as if the tears that should have fallen last year when we left finally made it to his tear ducts. The sobbing. The wailing. The pleading he wanted to go back to Ventura. The pleading. Missing his friends and missing his school. Can not of course say I blame him. Not one bit.I most definitely miss his school and have my own tears in need of falling.
    I have been asked a couple of times by my mom if I am sorry I moved from Mexifornia. I am not sorry. As a good friend from across the distance recently  reminded me , I just haven't necessarily found the right match for myself and my boys.
    I am not used to this and I don't like it. I genuinely want to love my organization.  I also know I don't need to sit here miserable. God has a plan of that I am confident.  I ask daily for his wisdom in helping me see the path and stay on it. Tears need to fall and many of them still for my beloved grandma. How long is long enough to grieve? I know the way I answered that as a therapist. Doesn't help a whole lot right now.
Tangential? Yes. Heartfelt? Yes.
This is what happens when you don't post for a month.

What Others Have to Say About

my beloved grandma.

Tomorrow they will take her to the crematorium. I am sick I am not with her and my mom. I had thought the days would get easier and not remain so hard...Yet still there are moments when I still can feel her with me...others when I am caught totally off guard like when I pulled up my grandpa's phone number and her number was listed right there ahead of it...

When I am Wrong... I am REALLY Wrong...

Last night in the midst of my grief and too many mimosas I chose to unconsciously refer to my "bitch of a sister"...Well I had no idea she even knew about my blog...Although I am extremely disheartened she didn't choose to approach me about the reference directly...but instead chose to go to my mother first ...which caused even more unnecessary pain and hurt... I was wrong on all accounts to refer to her as my "bitch of a sister" especially with regards to her behavior the past week as we dealt with my grandmother's death and arrangements for the memorial service. My sister really stepped up to the plate this past week unlike anything I have ever seen before..She took the bull by the horns and had things lined up nicely when we arrived Tuesday morning... even taking the most unpleasant and thankless job of arranging for the autopsy...I honestly don't know what things would have been like without her taking charge...it really could have been a mess..fragmented and delayed...She really did do a tip top job and although we don't get along and most likely never ever will , this was a time I should have been more Crystal Clear she was a true godsend to myself, my mother, my boys, and all of our family. She behaved as a true granddaughter, daughter, and sister and I should have overlooked the usual pettiness,nosiness into things she should have approached our parents about, and snide comments and focused on all she did do to help all of us. I blew it and I admit it...It was much more worthwhile and important to write about all she did do not only this past week but also over the last months in helping out my grandma in the move and in just spending time with our Grandma. True reminder of how much a few little words can cause unnecessary hurt, pain, and damage. I am genuinely sorry for causing such damage.It wasn't necessary. I blew it.

For all of those of you who were kind and worried enough to ask about my surgery...I had to postpone it until February 15th because my beloved Grandma died on Sunday the 29th.
In Phoenix today we had the memorial service. Everything I am about to write is probably cliche but there is a reason it is cliche.
My grandmother was truly the benchmark when it came to being a "lady". She is also truly one of two people who I consider to have offered and DELIVERED unconditional love in my life. The other being my beloved Grandfather. I am still having a hard time believing she is gone. She still feels with me. When we left the church today I turned to my mom to ask "What about Gigi?" She was always slow and tagging behind. She had to be watched out for just a bit and needed just  a tad of assistance.

Just  about two weeks ago she left Hawaii after having spent 5 weeks staying with my parents and visiting us out in Ewa often. She was clearly getting more frail but she honestly was in very good health. This was the first Christmas in 40+ years she spent Christmas outside Phoenix and I am grateful beyond grateful she was there to spend Christmas morning watching Nethan and Bryceton enjoying the bounty of Santa. Nethan took to her like nothing you have ever seen. Her eyes lit up when he would come to greet her. What a pair they were to see him riding on her walker with her pushing him.

Seeing her in the coffin today wasn't as hard as closing the coffin for the last time. Everyone there seemed to want to be the last ones to say goodbye. Everyone hung back and it was very akward. I honestly didn't want to leave her. I wanted to take her home just like that to stay with us forever.  I don't want her to go. She looked like her only a tad darker lipstick than usual. I wanted to take her home. I want her with us. I wanted to take her home with us. She really is still with us. I thought at moments I saw her chest move. I thought I saw her eye lashs flutter. Thought she'd try to sit up.

I have to return to Hawaii tomorrow or I would be here for the witnessed cremation on Wednesday. My mom is going to have her ashes in a sealed urn and is going to take her back and forth between Hawaii and Phoenix. The plan is to pass her from living family member to member upon death until there is no one who remembers her and then her ashes will be buried alongside her own mother and siblings.

The church was full. Over 100+ people. I was most pleased the Reverend caught the gist of her when he used the quote from my dad when he said "If all mother-in-laws were like her there would be no mother-in-law jokes". Truth be known she really was more of a mother to my dad than his own mom who died at 56. My grandmother also treated my dad as if he really was her true son too. Truly did. She also spoke more highly of my dad  than her own son many many times. She always could count on my dad and she did. She hobnestly also never said a bad word about a single soul. EVER. She never even spoke ill of my grandather even when he was unfaithful to her and behaved in less than a gentlemanly fashion.  Yesterday in visiting my grandfather he choked up and tearfully said he still remembered the first time he ever saw her. He remembered seeing her across an auditorium. My grandmother was clearly a hotty. I have pics scanned and may or may not share them as I see fit. Here is one of the two of them . And another...well crap...it won't load. Well I will post more over the next days as I am able. Over the past days when I haven't been helping with prep for the memorial services and taking extra care of the monsters I call my children.. I have been going through old family pics and documents. I have some great ones and some touching ones.. I saw my grandma's beauty in a whole new light.

I was not physically able to stand up in the service...Notes from friends and family will go with her to the crematorium. I think as I sit her of all the things I learned from her and I am overwhelmed. I was the first grandchild. Here you see us at a cousin's wedding when I was say less than a year?  I had her the longest. Was I a favorite?  I would say yes but that was my grandmas's way...making everyone feel they were the favorite... My grandma was what all the stories and myths about grandmas were written about. The warm cookies and hugs... She made the best tray of brownies you ever had. One time my sister and I were stuck in Thanksgiving traffic back to college and had to devour a whole tray of those brownies just to sustain ourselves as we couldn't pull aside. She was the hanky smellng sweet and smile that never ever changed. I mean NEVER.Her photo smile was something we teased her about but now cherish. I can't believe she is gone. I know as a therapist all the thngs I tell people about Kubler Ross and DABDA. Denial Anger Bargaining Depression and Acceptance....and I spend a lot of  time in Denial. Well then the anger...anger with the hospital and doctor... we had an outside autopsy because we sincerely believe the hospital caused her death...sincrely believe she'd be alive today if she hadn't gone to John C. Lincoln hospital...and the bargaining... and the well mainly denial...HOW could this happen... her heart was fine...and the guilt I feel because my mom should have been there..buts. she would have beeen there if it wasn''t for my surgery...my grandma would have wantd her to be with me.. but my mom might have left earlier if it wouldn't have been for my surgery...No buts about it... she would have left sooner... aned I asked god... if this is your time to take her...please let my mom be there... please let my mom hold her in her arms... why couldn't she wait...Why couldn't she wait.... Why... My poor mother...Why couldn't my grandmother wait till my mom arrived...... IT was because of me ME.. that my mom held off so long... my fucking surgery...

How do you go back to normal life? I don't feel ready to leave my mom, my dad, my bitch of a sister, my uncle. my cousins who are way cool and way gorgeous...my grandfather and his wife... I don't feel ready to go back to COA  and the stupid work world... I just don't feel ready... I don't feel ready... I don't feel READY... I AM NOT READY...

Do I risk my job? Do I stay??? I don't feel ready... They need me back in Hawaii. They need me back in Hawaii? But I only go back a week to ten days before I go for surgery... I can go back... we have tickets to leave tomorrow.. do I leave... I don't feel ready...Will I ever feel ready? I do not know..but also Bryceton needs to go to school....Crystal Clear I could and will go on like this for a bit... so tonight I ask you... I beg you.. please pray for us.... my beloved grandmother is gone..

I Miss Being a Therapist

At first I was surprised I didn't miss it very much. Now as I suffer the throes of crazy-making people, double binds, and office politics... I realize what I miss most about being a therapist.

I miss not having so many moments in a day where I feel inept and incompetent. I miss not having to be "on" so much and so guarded around people.

I am for the most part a very genuine person. I also am through and through a very very honest person when it comes to NOT telling lies. I don't have problems saying , Yep, I screwed up. I made a mistake or I didn't know or I forgot or I let it slip through the cracks...However, I am hating how often it seems to be happening with this job. The other part of being a therapist is that you spend far more time being with people. I just can't get into taking all this paperwork stuff so darn seriously. I really believe the proof is in the pudding. Treatment isn't good because of paperwork and procedures. All the procedures in the world don't ensure good treatment. Well enough for tonight... I miss my old job and I miss being me in my old job.

Get Me Some of That

Several longtime readers wrote over the past few days asking about us and well it seemed like the time to indulge myself..How sad is that? Writing on my blog is considered indulging myself?

At first the comments about me handling my job and doing well seemed so strange to me because I don't feel like I am handling it very well. Of course there are moments where I feel ok and fine and it is a great match. However there are just as many moments in the past week or so where I am just absolutely overwhelmed I am going to not make the grade and am not going to make it past my trial period of six months. I don't think it is my personality flaws that are necessarily getting in the way either. I think it is a phenomenally difficult albeit challenging position. I am the third person in 2 years. My boss is the last person to have held this position for any length of time which adds its own dimension to it. Then throw in the part that I am sleeping in bed with the two boys and living with my parents and have a 45 minute commute and my thyroid meds are off and well ...I think I am doing quite well. Just maybe not good enough for their needs...then again the length of time it takes to recruit a new person ...and accreditation and RFPs coming up...well they might best be stuck with me and working with me...Frankly at this point I have just decided to find my own way through it... I think it is a good match. I like the work I am doing. I think I am uniquely qualified and unless they find a single woman with no kids with my experience...they would best to stick it out with me as well. Also as a side note, if and when I get the Hawaii license as a Marriage Family Therapist , I will have solid job security and marketability.

Biggest news is Nethan starts Pre-school tomorrow.What an event this shall be considering he just fell asleep on my lap about 10 minutes ago and it is midnight...He will definitely be better off on most every account. I just still can't help but worry and be concerned about the long days he will have ahead of him. I also wonder about him and his stubbornness in fitting in and dealing with their schedule. He is definitely head strong and very stubborn. For November he will be going three days a week. That is terrific in my book. By December he will be full time.

The home I want is not available for unknown number of MONTHS.No reasonable explanation. Looks fine except it is missing washer and dryer but the mgt company/dev't company  won't release it. Because of the stress of living here and it is by all accounts by all individuals stressful..I have decided to take another unit which is a duplex with the plan to move to the other unit in several months. This will either help things a great deal or will push me right over the edge.

My other blogging news is that I am about to also be involved with the Hawaii Association of Marriage and Family Therapists as a member of a team of spokespeople regarding mental health issues in Hawaii. Highly likely I will also be a board member. As I will be preparing and presenting testimony, I anticipate writing it up here on my blog and getting feedback and certainly having readers email the legislators wouldn't hurt either. So look forward to that. Which also falls into line with my realization back when I  was looking for work, I write better and think better when I am blogging. It helps me get past the writer's block and makes writing and communicating much easier. Not to mention, I like blogging, I miss blogging, and I really enjoy and treasure the relationships I have developed. The support and interest mean a great deal when I feel like I have the past week or so......very very lonely...very very alone...So don't write me completely off...

Full Battery

Yes, a full battery. Last night I started to post and I could barely get it to post I was alive. Tonight it is strange to be back to posting. True to form there are 164 billion things I should be doing and yes... I know I am exaggerating. Gimme a break.. it is after all my blog.

A week or even two days ago I would have told you this blog was a done deal. I just couldn't keep it up any longer even though I still wanted to keep it and really didn't want to end it. Last night and tonight are different in that I am trying something a bit different in comparison to the past 6 weeks or so. I need to spill... I need to connect. The connections I am making at work are not of the type I can spill the beans and connect on a personal and meaningful level....

First off I owe a huge apology to the Cotillion gals as I had a post with all the links and write ups ready to post and then somehow closed it and left it in draft status thinking I had posted it...I also didn't have the keys to our/their spot on mu.nu. How awful to have let so many wonderful women down. Part of what has stopped me from posting in addition to the new job is that back on October 8,2005 I sat for the Marriage Family Therapist license here in Hawaii. After being licensed in Ca for 10 years you wouldn't think it should have been such a big deal. However, it was a big deal since I had the new job and the test had a very different focus than the licensing exam I took in Ca back in 1995. I put in as much study time as I could fit but I won't know if I passed or failed for another month or so. I am not placing any bets on whether I passed or failed. I just know if I have to take it again next year I will most definitely pass.

As for the rest of the update. We are still living with my very patient and loving parents in their 2 bedroom condo. I have about an hour commute each way most days. Some days I stay here in Honolulu and the drive is about as bad as driving out to Ewa. Poor Nethan is in desperate need of playing with other kids but the preschool at my work won't have an opening for him for another month or two. Poor grandma, as she is held hostage by a beautiful but demanding youngster who is very ...TWO....Poor grandpa as he has his home slowly being consumed by toys and the clutter of children.Although Bryceton seems to have made a better adjustment to school than he had a month or so ago, he is still not as happy with his friends and learning as he was at Open Classroom.

Here you can see all of us at a wonderful and extravagant meal at Nick's Fishmarket to celebrate my job. My job is amazing. On one hand it is a really great match for my skills and experience. On the other hand it is an amazing amount of work and responsibility with a very steep learning curve. The more difficult challenges lately seem to be dealing with my tendency to get totally and completely wrapped up in things that have no ending and to feel guilty for doing things that take care of "me". No the blog is not what I am thinking of in this case...In this case it is enjoying my boys. Being with my boys is taking care of "me" in a way I hadn't realized until the past week or so.I love them so much and in the day to day life lately of scrambling around I almost lost how much I enjoy them and enjoy being their mom. The day to day stuff has to be enjoyed and currently it is very hard meshing it in with this job.

I found us a place to rent that is a whole other interesting story. I have been so busy I haven't even been able to find time to email the head of the development corp. to see why my unit (which I qualified for and gave them a check for on 9/19/05) is sitting there empty , only missing a washer and dryer. Time tics away so I will somehow find the time tomorrow to call them in Texas and then try to post the story tomorrow night. My writing is quite disjointed I am sure but hey...I never promised you a coherent update...I don't know if I promised you anything but I do know I can sleep a bit better tonight knowing there might be a few comments to cheer me tomorrow night.

Still Alive

Photo Extravaganza by Grandma

    I was going to place an album on the sidebar but a few of these snapshots taken by my mom just begged for a bit of commentary. For example, this one on the left was taken after Nethan devoured one of Grandma's world famous cupcakes. Nethan is wearing the only evidence of not having eaten every single little crumb. After this it was of course Mommy's turn to give him a bath and get him all cleaned up so Grandma could wrap him up snug as a bug in a chenille blankie.

So darn cute one snapshot was clearly not enough.
    When he isn't making a mess or being cleaned up from having made a mess, Nethan also likes to hang out with big brother Bryceton.

 

 

    At home they  like to play video games, watch TV, and roughhouse.  Often while they play video games they are joined  by Grandpa and the dog  for an  afternoon nap. And yes that is

 

Darth Vader.

As you see it can get a bit crowded on that bed so sometimes Nethan ends up catching a few Zzzzzs on the floor with that great blankie

Also as you can see here,

Nethan has his more ...pensive times and here

you can see what my father probably looked like about 60 years ago...

    Of course by the time I had finished uploading this extravaganza of snapshots taken by my mom, I had to laugh because you would never know from these pictures that we are within mere moments of some of the most beautiful scenery in the world.

    Seems the only thing to do ...until beach pics are uploaded is to share this one of Nethan ready to head to the beach...

 

First It Was American Idol and Now This...

    I really don't know how this happened too...other than the darn show is on the tube three nights a week. So now I am hooked...and I don't like being hooked...other than it is really kind of fun for all of us to sit together around the tube three nights a week.

    But then I learned it was live streamed 24/7 ... Good Lord...So I had to sign up for that...Truly, blogging is a far better pastime for me...Perhaps after Eric and  Yvette are booted off I won't be so hooked...Then again...Kaysar is awfully interesting...Hmm...well at least it is something to do when I am not plastering the island with resumes and job applications or until I find my blogging mojo...

     I know, I know, I know,...so disappointing isn't it...Well the five of us here can't be the only ones watching...

Shhh...They All are Asleep

and of course I should be asleep as well but I just thought I would take a moment to recap even if briefly some of my thoughts and feelings...More resumes out and a bit of response...I couldn't enroll Bryceton in school because the receptionist didn't have the doctor's form filled out for us to take. Nice to know now though that neither of my munchkins has been exposed to TB...Nethan's latest GI is back to the start in her thinking in that she thinks Nethan is holding onto his poop. I kid you not. Believe me when you read you do not want to know what our mornings are like now...painful for everyone and most of all for Nethan...I had Dr. Boles the Geneticist from CHELLA fax his report to her because I can't quite explain to her what he shared with me. She said she spoke with Dr. Derdoy and that he is back to wondering with her if Nethan doesn't have a bad bad bad horrid case of Functional Fecal Retention. I have to tell you and if you have followed this story on Nethan, you know I think this is a crock of... well...shit. Babies that young can't hold onto their poop and he has had a big distended tummy from the start...I  guess we just try it for a few more weeks...Weighs so terribly heavy on my mind and heart...He is so damn sweet and funny...Stubborn yes...but what if he isn't holding on to his poop...Unbelievable we are here over 2 years and he is only going to the bathroom because of an adult prescription laxative that is now doubled and tripled daily...

Bad Bad Blogger

I am beginning to wonder if I don't need to shut this blog down until I get a job. The stress of looking for work with no true support around me IRL would seem to be reason to keep it going but I have so many other things I want to blog about as well and the conflict inside is just a bit too much for me right now. I am not going to do it immediately because I am up for hostessing bonfire of the vanities in a few weeks and I love being a part of the Cotillion, The Wide Awakes, Round the Reader, and want to blog on Chris Short's Conservative Thinking blog...so I can't quite give it all up... Just find me a well-paying job and things will come together... That is the ticket you know...if I have a job then I have income and my family will lessen the pressure and then when I am not working I can blog as looking for a place to live won't take as much time as looking for work....I do have a couple things brewing as far as work but no interviews set up yet.... This week I was hoping and am going to try my best to bump up my efforts another notch but Nethan has a follow-up appointment with the GI (that is a whole other post I really should do...) and a Speech Therapist appointment, Bryceton has his Ped appointment to get his school physical and then I need to enroll him in school...oh and I still have not set up a checking account and closed the other or completely set up my quicken to pay bills.... So these type of things really seem to throw me out of the looking for employment mode... I will fight the battle...Just wish I could blog more... Really do... I know it will come again... It will and then I will be back surfing around the blogosphere just like good ol' times...and posting about Take Back the Memorial and how this infidel has a lot to make Crystal Clear to those bumbling terrorists and of course...the one that still weighs heavily on my mind and soul ...several times a day it seems....Terri Schiavo...Gone but never... ever forgotten..

Operation Hula for the Moola...

    Blogging through Project Aloha was so very helpful to me personally. I really appreciated the comments of support. And so it seems  like time for a  personal update.  We have now been  here in Hawaii  for a month and I have several observations. First off, it is amazing how much better I feel when I am on my body's schedule as far as the sleep-wake cycle. Of course not having to get up and get myself and the kids ready for "the day" must play a part as well. Physically and stress wise these past few weeks have been about as good as they get.

    Although I sent out a couple of resumes a few weeks back, I really have not been spending any considerable energy on finding a job. Pretty much I have been spending my time being a SAHM,settling in, and enjoying the boys. Unfortunately we have only been to the beach three times and that is a shame. It just feels completely wrong to go to the beach when I should be looking for work (even though of course I haven't used the time to look for work). As any SAHM will tell you the days just fill themselves up. I have taken care of things like doctor appointments, registering the car, and chauffeuring my mother around for the amazing amount of grocery shopping we seem to need to do.

    My concerns about living with my parents have for the most part been for naught. My mom has really been great. Great. Of course there are times and they have increasing lately but the times have not been as lengthy or as intense as I feared. Once again it is most likely because my stress level is so low I have the patience and energy to weather the storms. This past week the pressure to look for work from my parents has considerably and understandably increased.

 

     As a single mom it seems to me there are times I experience what I refer to as the Father/Husband/Masculine stressors more than others. I am far more comfortable and competent with the Mother/Wife/Feminine stressors than the other. The stress of not having a job, not knowing how long it is going to take to find a job, concerns on how much a job will pay, and the unpleasantness of looking for a job are far more present now than they were a week ago when I was dealing with Nethan's new Ped GI.

    The fears are here and the fears are very real. Initially when I started this post my intentions were to write more about Nethan and his GI update, the anxiety, and my plans for achieving the goal of a well-paying job. Only now it is after 8 a.m and time to get back to the things I didn't finish yesterday.

Crystal in a Bikini

Circa 1971...my first trip my sister Wendy with our Grandmother...

Sis and I actually getting along...

The two of us with our Great-Grandmother

and my most favorite pic of all from this group... my mother at the age of 25......

Project Aloha-Day 36...The There Have Been Things to Do Edition

    Mahalo to Beth for doing such an outstanding job of minding the place while I have been away and quite busy. I knew I could count on her to keep you amused, entertained, and of course thinking...while I was away with Nethan.

    Nethan had the tests mentioned in this post. As I am back to trying to get accustomed to this POS keyboard I am directing you there instead of trying to type the darn things again. In a strange good way and strange bad way, the tests did seem to show nothing obviously wrong with Nethan. After the tests, Nethan had a very hard time coming out of the anesthesia. He is back to being his lovable and charming and otherwise highly opinionated self now but it was not very easy the rest of Thursday or the past two nights.

    Dr. Derdoy actually asked when he was telling us about what he saw and what might be going on with Nethan if the neurologist had ever considered a muscle biopsy or had Nethan ever had a muscle biopsy with regards to his hypotonia and ruling out any myotonia. I just about reached over and slapped him upside the head as I have been asking about a muscle biopsy for a year. Of course I just in my quite direct manner reminded him the original biopsy for Hirschsprung's Disease was DELAYED last June because we were thinking it would be best to do both biopsies at once but neither of the neurologists believed it was necessary. After again repeating how Nethan is doing so well on the Miralax gaining weight and growing, as far as how to proceed, Dr. Derdoy was not Crystal Clear at all. He again mentioned referring us back to Dr. Shin the surgeon regarding some surgery where they use Nethan's appendix and we would irrigate his bowel once a day. This is a hard one for me as I can't imagine Nethan having something like that forever...BUT I also can't imagine him going on like this with the Miralax forever either. I can't potty train him like this...can you imagine sending him to Kindergarten or school in diapers in another three years?

    As for Project Aloha...       

Lessons from My Grandma

   

This is one of those nights where I am glad I have a personal blog and not just a political, mommy, or profession blog. I most certainly always have a few political topics I would  like to write about, a few funny things Bryceton or Nethan do I am sure readers would chuckle at, and a bazillion psychology related things I would like to share. Although it can be a bit awkward to have a bunch of virtual strangers strolling on through as I expose personal faults and struggles, I have a feeling my thoughts tonight will resonate with a few of you.

    On the drive back from Phoenix yesterday, I continued to reflect upon what I shared with my grandmother and parents over breakfast  about what I had learned from staying the night at my grandmother's house. You see my grandmother is in her mid-80s and is not only recovering from a recent surgery but is also in the process of undertaking a major down-sizing effort. While she is in the process of preparing to move from her very large  three-bedroom home where she has lived for the past 30+ years to a much smaller one-bedroom cottage, she is staying with my parents in their 2 bedroom townhome. Thus the kids and I stayed at her home for the night.

    My grandmother is a major pack-rat. She has saved virtually every slip of paper and piece of mail she has ever received: financial statements, newspaper clippings, restaurant receipts, recipes, etc. She is very generous and she is prone when she comes upon a "good deal" to buy in mass quantities for gifts. There were many many items still in tact with price tags back from the 1970s. As is the case with many women, her weight and size have varied up and down the scale over the years. She is also a clothes horse and has always had extremely good taste and dressed in a highly stylish fashion.Many clothes also still with price tags. She has also received numerous gifts over the years from generous friends and family. Many Christmas and birthday gifts are piled in corners throughout the house not having been touched since they were placed there the day received. My grandmother has accumulated an amazing amount of wonderful and beautiful "things". Most  more useless than useful and very few really needed.   Every drawer and every  closet and every room of her house attests to these facts.

    It was definitely an eye-opener. No, of course I have always known these things about my grandmother. I know them to a large degree to be true about my mother as well. The eye-opener was putting it together with what I know to be true about myself and what I absolutely hate about myself. I saw all these things and realized what a burden and weight they have become for her. I sit here in my grossly cluttered and chaotic home and I feel the heavy burden and weight all my things have become for me.

    Part of the anxiety and angst about moving to Hawaii is trying to decide what must go, what can go,  and what must be sold or given away. Please understand, part of the excitement, relief, and fantasy of moving to Hawaii is simplifying and letting GO of stuff . However, it has become increasingly Crystal Clear to me I also have a great deal of ambivalence about shedding all this stuff the kids and I have accumulated. For myself, I believe it mainly comes down  to the act of choosing and deciding. If I had to walk away from here tomorrow, I would definitely feel awful about leaving behind pictures and photographs but I know I would really be just fine if all I had were my kids.

    I summarized these thoughts for my grandmother and parents, I shared my realization from being amongst her "beautiful things" and the chaos of her downsizing that I don't want to have so many things weighing me down. I do appreciate things. I do like buying things. I do like giving things. This change is not going to be easy for me. What I didn't realize until I made it about half way through the desert and didn't get to share with them though, is the bit of the beginning of forgiveness and start of acceptance I have for  myself regarding these issues. I have spent a great deal of energy in self-hatred around these issues of clutter, buying things, and debt. Just last week I joked with my parents I guess we can be relieved and glad I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol as many of the single parents I work with do in such stressful situations. Maybe it sounds crazy but if these inklings of forgiveness and  acceptance bring a bit more peace to my life and therefore the life of my kids...I think it is a good thing to not be hating myself as much tonight as I did last week.

    Moving to Hawaii is now becoming much more real for me. I am not completely certain I should move there without a job lined up. In fact, I know I probably shouldn't move there without a job lined up. However, the number of positions I am qualified for and should apply for, stipulate they are only open to Hawaii residents and that interviews will be held in person. A while back I had planned on getting a job and using my 4 weeks vacation here to pack up and move. Now with the end of the school year and thus daycare costs for Bryceton will double to $115 a week, I am thinking maybe we should start packing up now and move to be with my parents (they are returning to Hawaii in May) as soon as he is out of school in June. Then I  would have the month of vacation pay while I looked for work without the costs of daycare and rent and all those other household expenses. So many things to consider...Yep...missing the husband as a partner thing pretty heavily right now...

Another Question for Those Who Wish to Date Me

    Nethan and I are back from Phoenix. I guess while we were gone there was some gas emergency so I am now having to wait up for the gas man to come by to turn the gas back on and light appropriate pilot lights.
     Seeing my family was nice and brief. I hadn't spoken with any of them about my blogging for Terri and so I was actually kind of surprised when it came up in conversations surrounding the death of the Pope.
    My mom completely "got it". My dad didn't really "get it". My grandmother sort of  "got it" after my mom explained it to her.  My grandfather completely "got it". My 14 year old nephew Trevor thought he "got it" but really didn't get it. My sister was pretty much middle of the road and didn't get it or not get it which is pretty scary to me as well because I am even more convinced now a  few days out that this is most definitely a watershed in my lifetime. I can already imagine the e-mail and comments I will get with the following comment, but frankly,... I find the issues surrounding Terri Schiavo's murder as important as 9/11/01.
    One quarter in jest and three quarters seriously, my sister asked if this was going to be on my list of  questions to ask prospective dates. You see over time we have joked about how I can tell far more about a man on a date or two with several questions than I may want to know or they may want to share so early.
     When I was in graduate school for psych I was taking a psych assessment/testing class and needed to administer some of the tests to volunteers as part of the class assignments. I asked the guy I was dating at the time (also a psych grad student) to help me out by drawing four seemingly simple drawings. The assessment device which I still use primarily with children is referred to as the House-Tree-Person. I took one look at the pictures drawn by the guy I was dating and I knew he had issues with his sexual identity. Not all things are as easily discernible as that, but believe me...I really can tell a great deal by something as simple as a few drawings or a few questions about his favorite animal. Which somehow also  led to some more obvious questions I began asking men because they are things I see as Crystal Clear.  Here are a few:

• OJ Simpson: Innocent or Guilty?
• MUST answer guilty
• Ever slept with a man?
• MUST answer NO
• Would it bother you if your daughter dated a Black/Hispanic/Asian/ man OR woman?
• MUST answer "NO, of course not, as long as the person treated her in a loving manner
• Michael Jackson: Pedophile or freak?
• MUST answer BOTH

    And of course now we have Terri Shiavo....I think you probably know by now how I would wish for them to answer if I was going to seriously consider going out with them for another date.
    No, I am not going to be blogging solely about Terri from now on...but if it bothers you how much I blogged or blog about Terri or how I feel about this issue...please just move on along...Indeed I pride myself on most issues as being open and interested in discussion and being able to see the "other side"...Terri & Michael Schiavo  is not ever going to be one of them... I will probably continue to allow contrarian comments to stand but I will probably not address all issues emailed or commented.

   

Posting Will Be Light Until Sunday Evening

Bryceton is on Spring Break so I drove him to Phoenix today. He will be staying the week here and then I will pick him up next weekend. Posting via my Treo 600 is difficult!

On Easter Eve

    Twas the night before Easter and all through the house...The eggs are all colored, the baskets filled, and my heart is heavy and worn. How do I write...How do I?

    As has been my experience before, I find prodding as well as comfort in the blogosphere and the Wide Awakes community. Over at Cao's I see a beautiful rose in honor of Terri and the roses that will be placed at Michael Schiavo's home in protest. Eric of Vince Aut Morire inspires with this post and his Wide Awakes post Blood, Toil, Tears And Sweat .

    Perhaps the greatest comfort and inspiration came from an e-mail from Kender of Kender's Musings: (printed with honor and permission):after commenting on Eric's fantastic post he wrote:..

I believe I can speak for almost all of us, if not every one of us, when I say
We Are Tired!!
We are Disheartened.
We are Crestfallen and our Hearts Ache.
It is a sad irony that on the eve of the day that Christianity celebrates the Resurrection of its' Savior that we have been forced to accept the unacceptable.
That, on this night before we rejoice the promise of Life Renewed and Eternal Life, we must dry eyes that well up with tears for the life of an innocent woman who was the victim of evil men and the pawn in a game that would see us led down a dark and evil road.

Tomorrow is Easter. Spend the day with loved ones, and let not the sorrow that grasps your hearts with a heavy hand cause you to forget that, though this battle may be lost, there will be more to come.

I choose to believe that had Terri known of our feelings, our words, our actions, our Love and our hearts that surely she would have said,

"Weep not for me good people, but neither forget me when yet again you shall be called to battle the forces of darkness.  Instead use the memory of me to steel yourselves and carry on the fight, for the very future of all that is Good and Right may depend upon your resolve, your fortitude and your Faith."

Yes, this I choose to believe. Rest my friends. There is much yet to be done.

 Well said and greatly appreciated...

    My prayers and thoughts are with Terri and her family, who have shown me faces of faith, strength, courage, and grace.

Blessed Be