Crystal Clear

Not My Munchkins

Although there really isn't anything mildly humorous about this piece, BlackBerry Orphans , from the WSJ, I am relieved to say things aren't like that in our household ...at least right now this year.

Last year and earlier this year during my time of ahem ... indentured servitude ...well it wasn't a "crackberry" for me but the same was pretty much true regarding the checking of email and harassing my kids through my favorite part of the day- story time, so I could get back to the computer to reply and write a neverending littany of emails. Many emails and much time seemed to be spent providing email proof I wrote something or said something or the auxillary... clearing up someone else's misunderstanding or misconstrued email or there were also an evil few who out right LIED about what I supposedly said or did.

Although the first outright "strike" in my eyes against that organization was being told I would not be able to attend Bryceton's Christmas recital at school for an inconsequential meeting, I didn't really grumble too much about being asked to spend my Christmas holiday writing the grant. After all I reasoned, that would pass and it was a serious and necessary responsibility. Of course it was replaced by other things supposedly very important and it pretty quickly became apparent, to me at least, that story time with the boys was being rushed through so I could get back to the computer. 12-15 hour days and 6-7 days a week may be the way to live if you want it and like it and thrive on it but it is definitely not a way of life for me or my boys. 
Things now are a great deal better. An element of stress in surviving financially in Hawaii for certain as most people here experience but last night found the three of us playing Candyland andLife.

I know my mom worries I spend a great deal of time on the computer. I too fret and have anxiety about the amount. However, compared to years in the past I would say my actual enjoyment of the computer has dropped dramatically and is actually very low. Using it for work is an absolute must. There is no getting around it and I am actually so terribly  grateful I can do a great deal of work at home when it is "convenient" and at really odd times. I also hate though that I haven't blogged and have not blogged several pay per post opportunities which I am relying on to supplement my other job. The freelance writing also requires time on the computer and since I am generally not spending time on the computer and trying my best to NOT be on the computer when the boys are around and available it means I need to be doing it at night... and frankly I am very very very tired and not feeling extremely well lately. Thus the predicament... and challenge. The boys take top spot and are my highest priority but the weight of bearing the financial responsibility is a heavy load and an awful one to bear alone.

Watch out for those organizational values when you consider a job...and be grateful when you have a good match. My new organization had the most awesome family oriented Holiday party I have ever been to...and unlike the last place... I didn't have to pay for it and I knew my sons were invited.

How Bryceton's Christmas is Shaping Up

and then there is also the special paper notebook for it and a module on writing I found available at Wal-mart. Then we have from Grandma and Grandpa

  From me as well as the Spin Master LIPO Battery sold separately so the parent only partially realizes he is buying a $100 toy likely to break apart the first few times used. So whaddaya think? Nethan's bike still rules!

Braces Update

So all this posting for PPP opportunities has left me short of time to update on the braces situation. Seems Bryceton has a very challenging situation when it comes to his mouth and teeth. Seems the donor left  a bit off concerning his dental genetics! Well if you are gonna fib on something I guess that isn't so bad. Breaks my heart though that Bryceton actually has feelings about his teeth and his smile. I honestly am speaking as a person now and not just his mother, but he has a BEAUTIFUL smile. He twinkles and smiles with his eyes as well as his mouth. Nevertheless, the orthodontist confirmed he has quite a mess going on in his mouth. He has two of the most challenging things going on... UGH.... Well the good new is though that it it going to be a process. So the first part is a spacer thing a majig as I mentioned... and tomorrow they take the impression. We are going to make it a full Bryceton and Mom day and do somethin fun as well... like get my hair styled... Well NO I know that isn't fun for a 9 year old boy but bein out of school will be a treat and we are going to go have breakfast and perhaps a movie... Bottom line... the PPPs have now almost  PAID for his spacer thing which will run a bit over 300$ at least I think that is what it will cost! The original estimate had both upper and lower...seems though he has very slow growing teeth and so only one spacer is needed at this point... Don't worry about him... he has a bit of anxiety it might be uncomfortable..but is more excited to have something to show his friends and to play with in his mouth!

Night Vision Was Definitely Talked About the Night of the Quake

As we sat here in the semi-dark which quickly became pitch dark on Sunday night after the quake with the candles flickering, each of us with our own flashlight nearby (Nethan's- was a cute little one from the movie Cars, Bryceton's was the mammoth yellow one we use for camping, and mine-the long black heavy one cops can't carry anylonger ) and as we ate our P&J sandwiches, it was Bryceton who brought up how he wish he had night vision goggles to guide him on his trek down the long dark hallway to the bathroom or spy on some bad guys should the need every arise.

With Halloween around the corner and after all the hoopla in Hawaii regarding how Hawaiian Electric, referred to as HECO here, was such a disappointment at handling the power outage, you gotta wonder how soon there is going to be a run on these-   fright goggles to Nethan but highly "cool" to Bryceton...Night Goggles! A dream of his in fact to have his own pair of night goggles. I suppose I should be glad he wants the pair above and not the N NVG-7 Gen 3 SELA 64-73 lp/mm Night Vision Goggle, ATN Select Alpha Grade NVD at $2995!!!!( I kid you not and that is $500 off regular price but they do ship it UPS for free  :-) )..Fortunately they also have an amazing Holiday Gift Guide  that’ll help you pick a sure-to-be-talked-about gift this holiday season at a wide variety of prices.

Twas the Night Before School

'Twas the night before school started! '

Twas the night before school started
When all through the town The parents were cheering. It was a riotous sound.

By eight the kids were washed
And tucked into bed
When memories of homework
Filled them with dread

New pencils, new folders,
New notebooks, too,
New teachers, new friends-
Their anxiety grew.

The parents just giggled
When they learned of this fright
And shouted, "Upstairs!
GO TO BED! IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT!"

I think having Friday be a parent/student orientation and meet & greet with the teachers was a brilliant idea. Nevertheless, it is funny how our time has been rather unstructured the past few weeks and now we are thrown right back into a whirlwind of events.

So both boys are bathed and in bed at just a tad bit later than I would prefer. I usually have them start a school night bedtime a few days ahead of time after a break. And 6...yes SIX alarms are set at intervals to get us up on time... I know it sounds pathetic but Nethan is really the only early riser and even then he usually picks the weekend to get up early.Clothes are all set in their little closet cubicles for the week (great thing I bought that is a godsend), Bryceton's backpack is already in the car and both the camcorder and digital camera are ready to go.

We have decided to have breakfast together the three of us at the school this year which will be a very nice little thing we can do to start our day off in a good way. It also will save clean up time and get us a nice parking space to boot! Both boys will be having warm lunch so no worries there.

The suitcases are ready to be filled for the cruise and there are piles of clothes ready to fill them. I had planned on being packed by tonight but the house was really awful and needed a deeper cleaning. More times than not it feels like we are camping in doors. I remind myself this is a tropical place...daily...if not hourly. I also remind myself Geckos are friends not lizards...After all they eat the bugs that bother me more than the geckos. I much prefer Geckos to cockroaches, ants, and the dreaded centipede. Ohh and those centipedes are really nasty buggers. They are so large they are more like a small animal than a bug...You can hear them click their little legs...Creepy...

I have started to load up the ipod but it is very bittersweet since my external hard drive crashed several days ago. The hard drive housed all of my mp3s as well as the vast majority of every digital picture I have ever taken ... I have someone who is going to try to recover the data so I have stopped weeping at least for now but it probably won't be in time for the cruise. I have for reading. Not quite light reading but oh well. If you have some suggestions for me to take along, please let me know. I love to read books suggested by others no matter the type. In fact the best books have always come from someone else. So please share with me your top picks. Otherwise I do have a few others to take along as well. Before kids I would have needed about a book a day... now with kids it is always hard to know how many to pack. I am figuring 3 for a seven day cruise. Then again there is the internet and weather factor too! If the weather is bad I am likely to be in the internet cafe surfing and blogging away.

I am so very pleased and relieved my grandfather is indeed coming on the trip. I know he has some anxiety about the trip but it would not have been right to not have him with us and I really feel he needed to go as much for all of us as for himself. I mean how could we possibly describe to him the fun it is going to be to have all of us at the family night club? Nethan and Heather are both dancers. And I have to tell you, Nethan doesn't just like dancing... he is honestly good at it. The boys got riddim, far more rhythm than myself or his brother.

The first of those 6 alarms is going to go off far sooner than later so the packing and trip preparations will have to wait a few more hours.Send in those book suggestions!

Hodge Podge

Whoa what a day...in the interest of trying to head off my recent bout of awful insomnia, I thought I would dump it all here.
    So here we go...It is nice to feel appreciated... I don't know if I really am but it feels like it right now at my new employer and that is very nice.I will definitely take it..Being a mental health professional has far more going for it in many ways for me than an Execuative. Especiallly as far as quality of life is concerned. It really reminds me of what it is like to come out of an abusive relationship where your sense of self was slowly attacked and demeaned and degraded over time with seemingly simple little things but they all add up to leave you demoralized and detached from your true self. Abusive relationships have a way of making you question whether the sky really is blue.... They see gray. They see clouds. You see sun but insidiously over time...not in a bang against the head you can defend and rationalize reasonably and run away quickly ..but slowly their poison invades and seeps into your life and your mind and soul and self..Terribly trying to remain sane when you are in an abusive relationship. Although movies of the week would have you believe these abusive partners come with a blaring neon warning sign.. they don't. Very few people are complete 100% monsters. The vast majority are not evil  or evil all the time. They always have good points too. Perhaps the most sad part is they never recognize themselves as abusive. They truly do think they are right and that is the way things are done. They think if you could just behave the way they want you to behave there would be no problems. Having been caught up in their small little world, staying on the offensive as a defensive tactic they are not fluid or open or flexible. They find it hard to listen or question or answer your opinions and points as it would rock their very sense of self and thus their world. Truly the options are to end up depressed, psychotic, or to leave.
So you leave, you initially are joyous at the realization the sun really and truly is bright. You start to regain your sense of self and trust in your ability to be happy again. You don't cringe or feel you are walking on egg shells waiting for the next shoe to fall. However, in this case , out of Crystal Clear necessity, ending back in a work situation, you start to feel anxious and a bit uncomfortable when things do go smoothly and sanely as you can't quite trust it really is ok. After all at first you thought the other place was going to be ok too.... Very very unsettling. Same thing for women/men after they leave a domestic violence situation. Definitely a form of brainwashing and definitely a need for detox.

Bryceton & Nethan will both officially start school on Monday. Today there was an orientation at the school and a meet and greet the teacher. As Nethan just qualified for Special Ed yesterday, he wasn't completely and officially enrolled yet so we didn't know what classroom will be his. Both boys are excited Nethan will be at school there too. Very very cute. Adorable. I can't quite fathom Bryceton is a 4th grader. Holy Shiznit. And Nethan... my little babylicious.. my baby is off spending the night all by himself with Grandma and Grandpa. Bryceton is with a friend  and here I sit... preparing for the cruise  and trying to repair the damage they can effortlessly inflict...and well playing with my new cell phone.

    For a bit, I have started to feel very uncomfortable here on my own blog. Initially and still for a very large part, this was and is a fantastic place for support and for genuine thought provoking conversations with people who differ in their opinions from my own. However, at some point it ruined it and seriously spoiled it for me. Context for some reason is/was completely lost or misconstrued by some...whether on purpose or stupidity..Of course other bloggers completely get it ...The others don't or won't and ... well my best guess of an answer is jealousy and pettiness. But jealous and petty people can inflict serious strife and there is a risk involved in blogging I never ever anticipated and won't sign on for! It shouldn't have to concern me. I have thought about different scenarios...and the most appealing at this point in time was to take the most personal posts to a very anonymous blog.... and to continue here with the usual as well as delving off into some more creative aspecats of blogging such as vlogging and podcasting...So that is what I am thinking of right now... allows me the creative space to put together some multimedia presentations and those of you who know me and care for me in the blogosphere sense of the word can email me and gain access to the topsecret blog...

He's Back!

A Star is Born with Major Technical Difficulties

After many technical difficulties hours of them... and it wasn't fortunately dealing with Bryceton or Nethan... I proudly present Bryceton's debut in my first production and directorial debut.

Although this is our first and it might just be a steep learning curve for the computer, Bryceton and I were both amazed at how long it took. I wanted to practice with the ultimate goal we would be able to Vblog the Disney Cruise in 2 weeks and gather some interviews from family members.

We would really appreciate a comment and words of encouragement from everyone who views this... It would mean the world to him and thus the world to me...He is convinced he can be a star before the afternoon...So please blog this as far and as wide as you can! We  might have the next  Steven Spielberg or Harry Cronkite on our screen here!

And hey...with enough encouragement for him, I am next !

Tears Tears Tears...

     It would be easy to say TEARS about my birthday on Friday...and easy to say TEARS about all that is going on and not going on at work...but what a heartbreaker to share  our afternoon was spent in consoling Bryceton who was crying about his friend August, visiting from Ventura with his mom, leaving us...
    It was as if the tears that should have fallen last year when we left finally made it to his tear ducts. The sobbing. The wailing. The pleading he wanted to go back to Ventura. The pleading. Missing his friends and missing his school. Can not of course say I blame him. Not one bit.I most definitely miss his school and have my own tears in need of falling.
    I have been asked a couple of times by my mom if I am sorry I moved from Mexifornia. I am not sorry. As a good friend from across the distance recently  reminded me , I just haven't necessarily found the right match for myself and my boys.
    I am not used to this and I don't like it. I genuinely want to love my organization.  I also know I don't need to sit here miserable. God has a plan of that I am confident.  I ask daily for his wisdom in helping me see the path and stay on it. Tears need to fall and many of them still for my beloved grandma. How long is long enough to grieve? I know the way I answered that as a therapist. Doesn't help a whole lot right now.
Tangential? Yes. Heartfelt? Yes.
This is what happens when you don't post for a month.

The Absolutely Only Reason I am Sorry We Moved

SAGE , School of Arts & Global Education. Granted it would have meant some uncomfortable moments as the majority of the parents and teachers are quite liberal... compared to the education Bryceton is getting here in Hawaii those moments would have been worth it.
Hawaii is sorely in need of more charter schools.

Get Me Some of That

Several longtime readers wrote over the past few days asking about us and well it seemed like the time to indulge myself..How sad is that? Writing on my blog is considered indulging myself?

At first the comments about me handling my job and doing well seemed so strange to me because I don't feel like I am handling it very well. Of course there are moments where I feel ok and fine and it is a great match. However there are just as many moments in the past week or so where I am just absolutely overwhelmed I am going to not make the grade and am not going to make it past my trial period of six months. I don't think it is my personality flaws that are necessarily getting in the way either. I think it is a phenomenally difficult albeit challenging position. I am the third person in 2 years. My boss is the last person to have held this position for any length of time which adds its own dimension to it. Then throw in the part that I am sleeping in bed with the two boys and living with my parents and have a 45 minute commute and my thyroid meds are off and well ...I think I am doing quite well. Just maybe not good enough for their needs...then again the length of time it takes to recruit a new person ...and accreditation and RFPs coming up...well they might best be stuck with me and working with me...Frankly at this point I have just decided to find my own way through it... I think it is a good match. I like the work I am doing. I think I am uniquely qualified and unless they find a single woman with no kids with my experience...they would best to stick it out with me as well. Also as a side note, if and when I get the Hawaii license as a Marriage Family Therapist , I will have solid job security and marketability.

Biggest news is Nethan starts Pre-school tomorrow.What an event this shall be considering he just fell asleep on my lap about 10 minutes ago and it is midnight...He will definitely be better off on most every account. I just still can't help but worry and be concerned about the long days he will have ahead of him. I also wonder about him and his stubbornness in fitting in and dealing with their schedule. He is definitely head strong and very stubborn. For November he will be going three days a week. That is terrific in my book. By December he will be full time.

The home I want is not available for unknown number of MONTHS.No reasonable explanation. Looks fine except it is missing washer and dryer but the mgt company/dev't company  won't release it. Because of the stress of living here and it is by all accounts by all individuals stressful..I have decided to take another unit which is a duplex with the plan to move to the other unit in several months. This will either help things a great deal or will push me right over the edge.

My other blogging news is that I am about to also be involved with the Hawaii Association of Marriage and Family Therapists as a member of a team of spokespeople regarding mental health issues in Hawaii. Highly likely I will also be a board member. As I will be preparing and presenting testimony, I anticipate writing it up here on my blog and getting feedback and certainly having readers email the legislators wouldn't hurt either. So look forward to that. Which also falls into line with my realization back when I  was looking for work, I write better and think better when I am blogging. It helps me get past the writer's block and makes writing and communicating much easier. Not to mention, I like blogging, I miss blogging, and I really enjoy and treasure the relationships I have developed. The support and interest mean a great deal when I feel like I have the past week or so......very very lonely...very very alone...So don't write me completely off...

Full Battery

Yes, a full battery. Last night I started to post and I could barely get it to post I was alive. Tonight it is strange to be back to posting. True to form there are 164 billion things I should be doing and yes... I know I am exaggerating. Gimme a break.. it is after all my blog.

A week or even two days ago I would have told you this blog was a done deal. I just couldn't keep it up any longer even though I still wanted to keep it and really didn't want to end it. Last night and tonight are different in that I am trying something a bit different in comparison to the past 6 weeks or so. I need to spill... I need to connect. The connections I am making at work are not of the type I can spill the beans and connect on a personal and meaningful level....

First off I owe a huge apology to the Cotillion gals as I had a post with all the links and write ups ready to post and then somehow closed it and left it in draft status thinking I had posted it...I also didn't have the keys to our/their spot on mu.nu. How awful to have let so many wonderful women down. Part of what has stopped me from posting in addition to the new job is that back on October 8,2005 I sat for the Marriage Family Therapist license here in Hawaii. After being licensed in Ca for 10 years you wouldn't think it should have been such a big deal. However, it was a big deal since I had the new job and the test had a very different focus than the licensing exam I took in Ca back in 1995. I put in as much study time as I could fit but I won't know if I passed or failed for another month or so. I am not placing any bets on whether I passed or failed. I just know if I have to take it again next year I will most definitely pass.

As for the rest of the update. We are still living with my very patient and loving parents in their 2 bedroom condo. I have about an hour commute each way most days. Some days I stay here in Honolulu and the drive is about as bad as driving out to Ewa. Poor Nethan is in desperate need of playing with other kids but the preschool at my work won't have an opening for him for another month or two. Poor grandma, as she is held hostage by a beautiful but demanding youngster who is very ...TWO....Poor grandpa as he has his home slowly being consumed by toys and the clutter of children.Although Bryceton seems to have made a better adjustment to school than he had a month or so ago, he is still not as happy with his friends and learning as he was at Open Classroom.

Here you can see all of us at a wonderful and extravagant meal at Nick's Fishmarket to celebrate my job. My job is amazing. On one hand it is a really great match for my skills and experience. On the other hand it is an amazing amount of work and responsibility with a very steep learning curve. The more difficult challenges lately seem to be dealing with my tendency to get totally and completely wrapped up in things that have no ending and to feel guilty for doing things that take care of "me". No the blog is not what I am thinking of in this case...In this case it is enjoying my boys. Being with my boys is taking care of "me" in a way I hadn't realized until the past week or so.I love them so much and in the day to day life lately of scrambling around I almost lost how much I enjoy them and enjoy being their mom. The day to day stuff has to be enjoyed and currently it is very hard meshing it in with this job.

I found us a place to rent that is a whole other interesting story. I have been so busy I haven't even been able to find time to email the head of the development corp. to see why my unit (which I qualified for and gave them a check for on 9/19/05) is sitting there empty , only missing a washer and dryer. Time tics away so I will somehow find the time tomorrow to call them in Texas and then try to post the story tomorrow night. My writing is quite disjointed I am sure but hey...I never promised you a coherent update...I don't know if I promised you anything but I do know I can sleep a bit better tonight knowing there might be a few comments to cheer me tomorrow night.

Still Alive

Show Me the Money Part 2

Hard time believing how much has happened since last time I posted. I still have not fixed the laptop and am most likely just going to re-format the hard drive. Until that happensm, I am here writing on my dad's computer.

The job search has taken an amazing and humorous swing. I am now at this point being seriously considerd for 3 positions. Each of the three positions I would take and feel very good about doing so. Not the best of my grammar on this post and not wanting to take time to edit I am going to outline a great deal of what is going on inside me head and in my life:

• Last Wednesday interview for a position with a start-up org that has a contract with state to provide housing and what not for a portion of the SMI population here. I could tell this woman wanted me. This job is a great match in that I know "group home" stuff and this is group home stuff for adults. I would have a great deal responsibility and liked the woman who would be my supervisor. Great eventual probability for moving into position of CEO. Obvious ability to me to make a difference in the lives of people here who desperately need services. Great feeling as I left. Money talk was left at that I shared with them the salary portion of what I was previously making.They were to call Wednesday with the complete offer and information concerning benefits package. Today I receieved a call saying they were considering me seriously for the position but things were being tweaked a bit and want me to meet with the team and I will get a call next Monday.
• Job 2- Position with the Army as an Adolescent Substance Abuse Counselor. This is actually my "favorite" position. Also honestly the easiest of the three. I have wayyyyyyyyyy more experience than necessary. Also most likely the lowest paying position even though I would go in at at least a Grade 11 with a 25% COLA adjustment for Hawaii. I had an hour 1/2 interview Monday morning and will meet with the woman who'd be my supervisor on Thursday morning. I already had a brief interview with her through a personal contact here so this is more of a formality than true interview. She definitely wants me and the company is in great need to fill not one but 2 positions to be in compliance with their contract. After this interview there is a meeting with a bigger whig in Montana.
• Job 3-This is the wild card position. I was surprised it went as well as it did and that they are moving as quickly as they are...I am so honored and impressed with myself I am even being considered for it. Unfortunately it is largely an administrative position and I wouldn't have the clinical experience with clients. Fortunately I would working with the largest and oldest NPO in Hawaii in the position of Director of Mental Health Services.... This is a fantastic opportunity. Fantastic. Great deal of stress and pressure but I believe after doing this position with this organization and of course doing it with  Crystal Clear style for several years that I would be able to get any number of different positions here or anywhere. The money is yet to be settled but they have checked my references and had requested today's 2nd interview before I had even pulled into the parking lot. Taking into account this is Hawaii, and that is now obvisouly the perspective I must take as I am now in Hawaii... the salary is a good salary for a Hawaii NPO director position.

So there you have it... Most likely the next post will have me posting either a) I have a position and have been hired or b) have receieved an offer and am trying to stall until I can get a higher firm offer from one of the other two... I would take any of these three jobs. If money was the same in all of them I would take the easiest one which is with the Army...but as the single and only financial provider for myself and the boys... the one with the best financial offer is most likely to get me unless the difference is negligible...Definitely exciting exciting stuff....Very exciting. only dampened a bit by the fact that Bryceton is not having the easiest of transitions into school and making friends here. It is getting better and I know it is good for him to face this but he is a great kid who is used to things coming easily to him and so this is a bit of an eye opener. I received the letter yesterday that he did indeed qualify for the Gifted and Talented Program in Ventura. As they don't have a comparable program here in Hawaii, it won't mean much as far as getting him into a program here. Thus things are and will be great for me but it won't mean a whole helluva lot if Bryceton isn't happy and thriving and doing great. Also all three of these jobs are great in that they would be located in areas a great deal more affordable than Waikiki. However, that also means Bryceton will have to go through this difficulty AGAIN... I hate to do that to him...but it so much more affordable and better quality of life out of Honolulu...Please return... I also have another humorous side story and endeavor I want to share in my next post...and please keep me in your prayers. I have thanked and thanked and thanked God for these opportunities and I am truly blessed to be waiting the outcomes... Definitely  more excitement than anxiety but I dont' have any experience in trying to negotiate a higher salary...I do know my gutt was right last week when I had a feeling I would be employed within 2 weeks....So looks like President Adams was correct after all.....

Photo Extravaganza by Grandma

    I was going to place an album on the sidebar but a few of these snapshots taken by my mom just begged for a bit of commentary. For example, this one on the left was taken after Nethan devoured one of Grandma's world famous cupcakes. Nethan is wearing the only evidence of not having eaten every single little crumb. After this it was of course Mommy's turn to give him a bath and get him all cleaned up so Grandma could wrap him up snug as a bug in a chenille blankie.

So darn cute one snapshot was clearly not enough.
    When he isn't making a mess or being cleaned up from having made a mess, Nethan also likes to hang out with big brother Bryceton.

 

 

    At home they  like to play video games, watch TV, and roughhouse.  Often while they play video games they are joined  by Grandpa and the dog  for an  afternoon nap. And yes that is

 

Darth Vader.

As you see it can get a bit crowded on that bed so sometimes Nethan ends up catching a few Zzzzzs on the floor with that great blankie

Also as you can see here,

Nethan has his more ...pensive times and here

you can see what my father probably looked like about 60 years ago...

    Of course by the time I had finished uploading this extravaganza of snapshots taken by my mom, I had to laugh because you would never know from these pictures that we are within mere moments of some of the most beautiful scenery in the world.

    Seems the only thing to do ...until beach pics are uploaded is to share this one of Nethan ready to head to the beach...

 

Not Your Average Little Red Schoolhouse

  We finally  enrolled Bryceton in his new school yesterday.

I had looked into a charter school but the only one that even looked appropriate was not accepting students out of its district.Although it is exciting and another step in settling in, I am of course a bit  more than disappointed that since I am not  employed and we are not living in our own place, it is most likely he has yet another school change in his future. That day will come but in the meantime, imagine this...

    Bryceton's school is a block or so from BOTH the beach and the Zoo. From the outside sidewalk you can see the ocean. If you ever need a reminder of where you are, all you have to do is look up and Diamond Head is RIGHT THERE. I am so jealous...I spent all of my youth in the hell hole known as Phoenix...

    Although I can tell Bryceton is a tad apprehensive about the upcoming start of school and all it entails, right now he is more excited than anything that  he is going to have:

real homework and has a chance at bringing home A+s

• his own desk

At Open Classroom, there was never really any true homework and absolutely nothing was  ever graded. They had centers. The teacher and  three parent helpers each led a group of 5-6  kids at four circular tables. At times it was total chaos. I am confident. In fact I am extremely confident Bryceton will do just as well or better in a more structured environment. My concerns have more to do with the level of difficulty of the work. I am concerned he won't be challenged as much as he should be and deserves to be. The Gifted & Talented programs were totally cut from Hawaii schools. Of course that makes me extremely angry because I know the services and programs for autistic kids and other kids with special needs weren't completely cut out of existence. Actually it pisses me off royally. I know I can and will supplement his education but it is not right or fair. Crystal Clear this is a subject I will be writing and dealing with for many more years.Also yet to come is the discussion and post about Bryceton having to once again deal with, as we mothers to children via anonymous donor refer to it, the Daddy question.

Crystal Clear Independence Day Link Extravaganza

    I really blew it on this one...I had a group of three millibloggers I was supposed to profile on my blog today but the computer that had the list of the three is on the fritz...Nevertheless let me share with you this fantastic post that leads you to an amazing group of bloggers..

Over at Jackson's Junction: July 4th - Independence Day.

Cry Freedom with Monday's Round the Reader

MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Pirate's Cove who not only has some great graphics but graciously shared amazing ones with the Cotillion...

One of my favorite posts today and a most definite MUST READ by Maxed Out Mama: Independence Day

Happy Birthday, America ! by La Shawn Barber

Independence Day, 2005 at Cathouse Chat

    The quality and quantity of posts today are inspiring but for now I am going to go spend sometime with my family...More specifically today is another learning opportunity for Bryceton. His previous public school was not especially strong on patriotism...

Bryceton's Favorite TV Show

    No kidding. Back in Ventura we really didn't watch much TV but since coming to live with my parents it is a whole different story, at least  for Bryceton ....My parents are the type that have 4 TVs in a 2 bedroom condo. I don't quite understand the attraction but I suppose it could be something worse... 

Project Aloha-Day 34...The 'You Really Like Me' Edition

I am quite relieved I didn't post my to-do list for Monday on Sunday's edition. I am just awful at consistently underestimating how long things will take to get accomplished. What an embarrassment. For about 10 must do items on my list I only accomplished 3 of them completely and 2 of them partially. Today I accomplished the following:

• Told my boss-
• For some reason I had not even thought about her response or the clinic's response to me leaving. After a discussion with my previous boss who still works at the clinic, he encouraged me to ask for a leave of absence and believed the clinic would  do right by me. Frankly I really thought the clinic would be greatly relieved to be rid of me. I am one of 2 therapists who are on a salary with benefits basis. All of the other therapists are on an hourly basis with no benefits at all.
• I was a bit taken aback and quite moved by her response. At the end of our conversation she actually came from around her desk to give me a HUG. For all the years I have known her, I have never seen her exhibit a spontaneous kind emotion. I don't deal with her very often but my experience is by no means unique to me. She has extremely flat affect and is extremely difficult to engage in any dialogue. In summary, things could not have gone better. They are going to pay me my vacation time on my last day AND I am welcomed back AT ANY POINT IN TIME in the future. That is really something. It was quite Crystal Clear to me she was very sorry to see me go and really wishes me and my boys the very best. I also had no clue as to how much holding in telling the clinic I am leaving has been weighing on me. I felt as if 10,000 pounds had been lifted off of me when I headed back to my office. I still am not quite clear on what happens regarding my health insurance but this was a wonderful way to begin my exit out the doors I entered 10 years ago.

•     Told the group home teens-
• This alone could be an entire post by itself. You might be surprised to know the teen boys took my leaving much harder than the teen girls. This is a very touchy and difficult experience for most clients let alone foster kids who have had to constantly deal with issues of loss and abandonment for their entire lives. I am pretty certain I am quite the anomaly as far as a therapist and Clinical Director for group home teens. I have been with the CARE group homes for almost 6 years. Frankly, most therapists can not hang and just do not enjoy working with this population. I believe most therapist like to work with people who want to participate in therapy. We most enjoy working with people who want to and can make changes in their lives. These kids can be and generally are quite brutal when you start working with them. I myself when I first started working with them used to leave the facilities feeling completely poisoned. That is even the word I used back then. Poisoned. Poisoned, poisoned, poisoned. I am a pretty tough cookie and I really didn't think I was going to be able to make it. I used to come home, take a shower, and bitch and moan to anyone who  would listen. I started seriously looking for a job almost immediately when I was assigned to the group homes. It took about 3 1/2  months to get into the swing of things and really come to appreciate the opportunity I was presented. If you haven't guessed by now... I now embrace the situation and the work. I often have thoughts that perhaps I didn't end up as a stay-at-home mom because I was meant to work and meant to work with this very challenging population of angry and hurting teens. Oh the times still come when I wonder about the work I do and try to do...those times actually come quite often...Whether I am grandiose or not in the perception of my work with these kids...I do know I have tried my absolute best. Without a single doubt, I have tried my very very best and I know in my heart and have heard with my very own ears... I have most definitely made a difference in more than a handful of lives.

• Told Scott, Bryceton's classroom teacher on Fridays, I would not be able to volunteer on Fridays any longer.
  
  • This was actually one of the hardest phone calls to make. I don't get paid for this work but it is a commitment I made not only to Bryceton but his classmates and Scott as well. The flyer that came home yesterday about the upcoming classroom campout on the 19th  really slapped me out of my overwhelmedness. I had really thought until this past weekend I might be able to swing the beach campout. I hate camping but Bryceton loves it and I know it makes memories for a lifetime. But when I really thought about all I have to do...largely by my lonesome over the next 34 days... I felt  I really needed the time on those Fridays. Bryceton took it quite well and Scott was wonderful. He hoped and asked we might be able to make at least part of the campout events He reassured me I have been "there" more than I haven't and he was very understanding and supportive. What a relief. I hate letting people down and I really hate hate hate breaking commitments I make. Really disturbs me on a profound level. If I don't have my word...what do I have..? That is guilt I will just have to bear and try to learn from...

    So there you have it. I think I have spent so much time worrying about all that has to be done to get the hell out of here that I have stupidly and am stupidly missing out on something very important in life outside my beloved sons. I have been so consumed with myself and the boys that I have somehow lost knowing and feeling I actually mean something to the other people in my life. I am actually ashamed and freaked out it still is not completely registering with me how important I am to some people. How sad it is that it takes my leaving for people who care for me and for people I do care for to realize we at some earlier point in time created and achieved something heartfelt and amazing. Having written that last sentence... I still am struck by the thought I can't quite grasp meaning much to anyone besides Bryceton and Nethan. I am not saying I don't believe it ...Last week I knew my blog would be "missed"...or I think I knew it would matter to a few...I just am going to really give more of this some thought and would like to invite you to do the same.

    Thinking about your own experience of feeling your life has meaning to people in your own life, do you feel it ? Do you know it? If so...Please share with me how you feel it and how you know it.

Project Aloha-Day 36...The There Have Been Things to Do Edition

    Mahalo to Beth for doing such an outstanding job of minding the place while I have been away and quite busy. I knew I could count on her to keep you amused, entertained, and of course thinking...while I was away with Nethan.

    Nethan had the tests mentioned in this post. As I am back to trying to get accustomed to this POS keyboard I am directing you there instead of trying to type the darn things again. In a strange good way and strange bad way, the tests did seem to show nothing obviously wrong with Nethan. After the tests, Nethan had a very hard time coming out of the anesthesia. He is back to being his lovable and charming and otherwise highly opinionated self now but it was not very easy the rest of Thursday or the past two nights.

    Dr. Derdoy actually asked when he was telling us about what he saw and what might be going on with Nethan if the neurologist had ever considered a muscle biopsy or had Nethan ever had a muscle biopsy with regards to his hypotonia and ruling out any myotonia. I just about reached over and slapped him upside the head as I have been asking about a muscle biopsy for a year. Of course I just in my quite direct manner reminded him the original biopsy for Hirschsprung's Disease was DELAYED last June because we were thinking it would be best to do both biopsies at once but neither of the neurologists believed it was necessary. After again repeating how Nethan is doing so well on the Miralax gaining weight and growing, as far as how to proceed, Dr. Derdoy was not Crystal Clear at all. He again mentioned referring us back to Dr. Shin the surgeon regarding some surgery where they use Nethan's appendix and we would irrigate his bowel once a day. This is a hard one for me as I can't imagine Nethan having something like that forever...BUT I also can't imagine him going on like this with the Miralax forever either. I can't potty train him like this...can you imagine sending him to Kindergarten or school in diapers in another three years?

    As for Project Aloha...       

Just Cause I Don't Blog it Doesn't Mean it Doesn't Happen

    In a comment or e-mail from Fuming Mucker, he reminded me to keep smiling. He suggested I post my reply e-mail to him so here it is:

Oh I am trying... actually quite easy when I am with the boys...they are a total crack up and a lot of fun....I  know I don't blog enough stories about them but figure I could never ever capture the love and admiration  I have for them. Bryceton really is a special and amazing person. I am lucky to be his mom. Nethan is lucky to have him as a brother!!! Nethan is special too but his temperament is not as easy going as Bryceton and he is starting with some mood swings and tantrums as he hits 2 in 2 months.... thanks for the support it does mean a lot to me...even with our differences ;-)....you know actually even more so because we do see things differently... I do value it and take pride ...thanks Crystal

 Makes sense, right? This keyboard I swiped from Bryceton's computer is very different from my previous one and so it is taking me a while to get used to typing with it. As I shared in my emails to you (hope I didn't miss anyone) I wouldn't do anything rash and appreciated all suggestions and support. I do believe I would be missed by more than one reader. However, as I am certain you can appreciate when time is at such a premium as a single working mom with a chaotic home in the process of moving, that isn't enough to keep me blogging. Didn't realize it was so late this morning. Must head to work. It will be a busy hard day...Thank goodness I know I can count on smiling  when I see the boys later...and of course those wonderful comments...I think I am even up to handling trolls today too...

I MISS BRYCETON

Ok... I just had to get that out.... It has only taken about 48 hours... I want him back home NOW......Ok I will be back in search of my blog mojo later after Nethan's bath...

Posting Will Be Light Until Sunday Evening

Bryceton is on Spring Break so I drove him to Phoenix today. He will be staying the week here and then I will pick him up next weekend. Posting via my Treo 600 is difficult!

On Easter Eve

    Twas the night before Easter and all through the house...The eggs are all colored, the baskets filled, and my heart is heavy and worn. How do I write...How do I?

    As has been my experience before, I find prodding as well as comfort in the blogosphere and the Wide Awakes community. Over at Cao's I see a beautiful rose in honor of Terri and the roses that will be placed at Michael Schiavo's home in protest. Eric of Vince Aut Morire inspires with this post and his Wide Awakes post Blood, Toil, Tears And Sweat .

    Perhaps the greatest comfort and inspiration came from an e-mail from Kender of Kender's Musings: (printed with honor and permission):after commenting on Eric's fantastic post he wrote:..

I believe I can speak for almost all of us, if not every one of us, when I say
We Are Tired!!
We are Disheartened.
We are Crestfallen and our Hearts Ache.
It is a sad irony that on the eve of the day that Christianity celebrates the Resurrection of its' Savior that we have been forced to accept the unacceptable.
That, on this night before we rejoice the promise of Life Renewed and Eternal Life, we must dry eyes that well up with tears for the life of an innocent woman who was the victim of evil men and the pawn in a game that would see us led down a dark and evil road.

Tomorrow is Easter. Spend the day with loved ones, and let not the sorrow that grasps your hearts with a heavy hand cause you to forget that, though this battle may be lost, there will be more to come.

I choose to believe that had Terri known of our feelings, our words, our actions, our Love and our hearts that surely she would have said,

"Weep not for me good people, but neither forget me when yet again you shall be called to battle the forces of darkness.  Instead use the memory of me to steel yourselves and carry on the fight, for the very future of all that is Good and Right may depend upon your resolve, your fortitude and your Faith."

Yes, this I choose to believe. Rest my friends. There is much yet to be done.

 Well said and greatly appreciated...

    My prayers and thoughts are with Terri and her family, who have shown me faces of faith, strength, courage, and grace.

Blessed Be

Brogging aboutsome Bs

    Today was full of a great deal many Bs:   

• Broken coffee carafe& shards of glass as Bryceton was not to thrilled when I asked him to make coffee for me as I struggled to sit up..
• Baked Brownies yummmm (I am the main Chocolate lover in the house so they are mainly mine mine mine!)
• Baked cupcakes ( fun lesson in measuring for Bryceton and in making an absolute mess for Nethan with frosting in his hair and ears necessitating an afternoon bath  in addition to an evening one!)
• Bundled up on chair with Bryceton (yes it was in the upper 60s today) watching some video on Egypt by National Geographic we checked out from the library and getting some more desperately needed rest
• Bryceton finished the 3rd Harry Potter book... Wow...
• Bunch of coughing going on...by the boys..and now mom

    As you may or may not have noticed I have been as of late writing more about things that are not always 100% necessarily Crystal Clear to me...Personal health not withstanding...Not long ago I planned on blogging about my constant lifelong personal battle with arrogance and contempt and coming across as arrogant and contemptuous and how I don't want to get so caught up in valid disagreements I have to a) either explain my arrogance and contempt and I am still correct or b) get frozen in my own process in explaining or excusing my arrogance and contempt in  a great many personal life experiences and details. I have not and will not forget this personal  issue of arrogance and contempt... Just frankly, it is my blog and well...addressing my arrogance will I guess have to come on my frenetic time schedule or will be addressed as my readers respectfully request it and need it.Still even then I am not sure I will be able to address it quickly enough to not alienate readers or send them off in another direction before I get around to it. I guess I just have enough patience and love of the blogosphere and my readers to know that my heart and purpose are true. I am guessing many can read the passion and heart in my posts and do not just find contempt and arrogance.
    Side note but something I have wanted to also blog about lately since I joined the Pro-life blogroll...and was really relieved and want to note is ...well let  me ..as I seem to be taking this post tonight into a more conversational tone...
    I don't lead or haven't led a very mainstream life in the sense that I am a single mother by choice to two sons conceived via the same anonymous donor. Crystal Clear this choice is becoming more prevalent and mainstream but still not quite the average everyday thing most people run across in their day to day lives at least as far as the reactions I have received both in person and on the internet. I previously had found, probably because of the circles I associated with and the circles I chose to associate with , that people were upfront quite supportive,vocal,  and yet even a bit taken aback by my courage and choice. I was because of that crowd and my own concerns and fears a bit apprehensive about joining  a group of pro-lifers in the sense I anticipated I would be joining a  group largely of what I disparagingly referred to as Prolife Right Wing Whackos....Then happened Terri Schiavo.... I have to tell you I really felt and still at times feel like shouting out to this predominantly  Christian group... 

"You must hate me or you must want me to leave if you realize  I am a UU and  the choice I made with regards to having children without a father in the home"

...As of yet... I have only been completely embraced and appreciated for what I have to offer...not a single negative or derogatory comment about my being UU, my life ,and my children which sit outside what many call mainstream lifestyle choices...Quite the class act group I have joined...and quite the lesson I have learned and appreciate...
    Ok... back to the rest of this conversation between the two of us which is not completely rhetorical....Yesterday when I was doing my weekly volunteer stint in Bryceton's classroom, I was involved in helping do some vocabulary assessments  and in a "feeling flower" assessment of his classmates for parent/teacher conferences. I was pleased and proud to say the majority of the, I think it is, 18 kids, were at or above grade level in vocabulary and perhaps even more importantly all of the kids had made considerable gains since Fall of 2004. Why I am blogging about this now really has more to do with Bryceton and myself and my feeling a bit at a loss concerning a few things. I am writing as a way of process because well I don't have a husband and I am a bit ambivalent and confused about how to do right by him without letting my own childhood experiences as a gifted child get us all goofed up...
    So Bryceton is in a mother's summation...absolutely perfect and gorgeous and polite and extremely bright. He is very well rounded, well-grounded, and humorous. He is a bit... not quite wimpy but definitely not a macho boy..however that is NOT where I want our conversation to go tonight. (save that please for when