Crystal Clear

Escape from Mexifornia

Honest to goodness, escape is exactly what it felt like by the time we made it onto the plane on Wednesday June 8, 2005.

You may recall our flight was actually scheduled for Tuesday June 7,2005. But no Southern Californian day is complete without a freeway chase and we just happened to get caught in this one on Tuesday afternoon and missed our flight. This idiot's standoff with police ended up trapping us for an extra day and costing me 300$ in change of flight fees and my father 300$ for a hotel room and dinner.

This after we had managed to frantically give away the larger items that didn't sell on Saturday and Sunday. I had also pulled an all-nighter Monday night to pack and was a bit testy by the time the landlord showed up for the walk through regarding the deposit. Bryceton was also a real terror having had very little sleep and a bitch of a mother who was shrieking at him he needed to MOVE it, MOVE it , MOVE IT. Poor Nethan had been following me around for days clinging and clawing and whining like a noisy shadow.

Although we did still have our luggage, things had been so thrown together in the 6 large bags and the 6 carry-on pieces, only because of his diaper bag did Nethan end up in clean clothes. . .which was very fortunate because I had just remarked the only thing the day was missing was an earthquake...and that the day was almost over and couldn't get much worse when I discovered to my dismay Nethan had let go yet another explosion allover the bed at the Marriot after having screamed through one while we were stuck in the traffic jam hours earlier...At this point I started laughing so hard I started to cry. I started to cry and laugh so hard I scared the kids.

The next morning we made it to the airport with plenty of time...as a reminder though of why I left...and how ludicrous and sick of the hypocrisy I am...Airport security decided they needed to really thoroughly give us the anti-terrorism treatment by going through virtually all of our carry-on bags and wanting me to screen the car seat and stroller. The bitch there started to get testy with ME because they wouldn't make it through the scanner when I asked HER why they couldn't just physically inspect both pieces as they have in the past. I had asked Hawaiian Air if I could just check the car seat as baggage but the bastard supervisor wanted to charge me an extra baggage fee since we already had our 6 bags. Not to mention they had already extorted 75$ out of me because 3 of the bags were over the 50 pound limit (the limit was 70 pounds just months ago)...

Oh it makes real sense to harass a single mother traveling by herself with a 2 year old and a 7 year old on one-way tickets to Hawaii for 30 minutes when Al-Qaeda is free to walk back and forth and come and go as they please along with every other illegal alien across our southern border.

Not to mention with all of our carry-ons strewn on both sides of the scanner, anyone could easily have walked off with one or more of our bags. In fact, things were so hectic I left my camera bag behind and didn't know until we were finished with breakfast.

Crystal Clear now though isn't it...we made it!

My eyes filled with tears of joy and relief as our plane landed. Bryceton and I both literally cheered! That first day will forever be in my memory as one of the very happiest days of my life...right up there with the days I gave birth to Bryceton and Nethan as well as the day I  married and the day I divorced...Hard to exactly or adequately capture such a profound sense of joy and excitement... a sense of being back on track in life.That for whatever reason or reasons I ended up so far off track...things are now back to being right with the world and things are back to being right with me. A sense of congruence...a sense of accomplishment...a highly personal experience of my own courage....No, I don't have a job yet...No, we don't have our own place yet...but these first days are for savoring and unpacking and recouping from the craziness of the past few weeks...Of de-toxing from the poisons of Ventura and breathing in clean air and soaking up the inspiring beauty surrounding us,,, Yes, Project Aloha is complete...Moving onwards now to Operation _______...too tired to finish that tonight but perhaps you have a clever idea or two to share... should encompass the idea of a great job with lots of income and flexibility...

Project Aloha-Day 6...The "Insomnia" Edition

     Crystal Clear, I have far too many chemicals going on inside my body...HRT which I think I am going to think about stopping when we get to Hawaii since I think we have my Hypothyroid more under control with the Levxyl and Cytomel...but throw in there the switch back to Effexr  since I was able to procure some free samples...and throw in Tagamet or various Heartburn meds...and well of course the impending move...What a wreck I feel physically....

    I am at the point where I think there is absolutely no way I am going to be able to accomplish everything there is to accomplish before we get on that plane next Tuesday...but also realize that if I had an additional week...it really wouldn't make much of a difference as I would find more things to do...some necessary and others not as necessary.

    Strange to think that looking for a job is somehow going to be less stressful? I don't think it is going to be much less stressful so I think I am just fooling myself...Bargaining I suppose as we say for those of you familiar with DABDA...I do know I am psychologically very ready to leave Ventura but I am not feeling ready at all to leave my job...I have worked with Clinicas for 11 1/2 years which is half my adult life...I have been with the CARE group homes for going on 6 years... This is a huge loss for me as well as a huge risk...I am not good at looking for work and moving to an area as expensive as or more expensive than Ventura (honestly don't think it could be that much more expensive but we shall see) ....well there are more than enough people around to tell me how risky and perhaps ridiculous it is for a single mom who is having financial difficulties making it to be doing this...So yes it is a risk...and may prove to be a bad one...or a very good one...staying here in Ventura is a known... it is a bad choice for us to stay...on so many levels...I have a theory many people are uncomfortable with my decision to go to Hawaii based on their own fears and own anxiety about  striking out on a new course in life...Jealousy in a way... I also faced this when I chose single motherhood...When I looked around and saw the women who had chosen single motherhood I used to think how gutsy and ballsy they were to have chosen to have a child through a donor and I was angry and uncomfortable with their "nerve". Once I realized that I too could be that brave and found my courage I was able to move forward...Once again I feel as though I am not content with just staying this course in Ventura and am now back to steering my own ship through life...Stay tuned and I guess we shall see whether that is a sink or swim situation!

Project Aloha-Day 8...The 'I Had a Dream" edition

Holy Pineapples! Thank goodness I grilled hot dogs for the kids and not the bad piece of  Tuna I grilled for  myself.

    Originally I fell asleep a bit before 8 when I put Nethan down  but Bryceton woke me up at 8:33 and told me he wanted me out there with him for the last part of the movie.Fine....to bed again at 9:30...Only to be up again at 11:30 sick from that  Tuna...Back to bed...this time much harder to fall asleep as I feel gross...hot & clammy...and head is spinning...Around 2 am , Nethan up and whining and crying...get him water which he throws at me and bring him into bed and he tosses and turns...finally drops off into sleep with his head on my tummy....not the most comfortable position for me but I drop off as well and catch a few Zzzzzs before the alarm I forgot to turn off goes off at 5:55..........

    In between this roller coaster of up and down catch a glimpse at several dream fragments:

• An allover body wax by a newly licensed stocky German woman

oops...Nethan decided to wake up and before I could share the other fragments... I lost them....well I am certain there are many lessons I am still working on and will continue to work on with regards to my mother and moving towards making my dream of living in Hawaii a reality...I am sure they will pop up again....

Project Aloha-Day 9...The 'I Miss You' Edition

    My mom is gone...4:30 a.m this morning...I have such terribly mixed feelings about it too. I love her so much and I know she wants to help but my experience of her is that no matter what I ask her to do she tells me  I am wrong or doesn't or won't do what I ask...From cleaning to laundry to just throwing stuff away in the fridge.

    Very difficult as well to be living with another person when I am used to being the Queen Bee here. Very difficult. I am greatly concerned about living there with them. Greatly. Way back when I was deciding to do this I knew it would be challenging...but this is the most terrifying aspect I believe of the entire move...I think when we are living there in our own place it won't be as difficult because I can pick up the kids and leave anytime she starts to wig out and not shut her mouth. When we are all in the same space as we have been and will need to be for a while...and I need to live there and am indebted to them...difficult indeed.

    Thanks for all the birthday wishes and compliments. I should remind you that the picture on the left is from 3 years ago...and a great deal less stress ago!!! I guess I am not too shabby for 42...but definitely am not worthy of such great compliments!

    I have some update pics of the place and of course plan to get to them at some point soon....I feel awful I have forgotten Round the Reader now for 2 weeks!!!! That is awful.... I hope I won't be kicked to the curb... I will NOT miss another one... my mom won't be here so it should be easier and I will also be returning to The Wide Awakes   in a week or so as well as my posting over at Conservative Thinking will begin once I am in Hawaii and have some wi-fi account set up...So it won't be much longer...I also have RSVPd and am very proud to be a part of

...Check back May 31st for more on this exiciting development!

    I can't really explain how much I really miss blogging. I really do! I miss the thinking... I miss the research... I miss the sharing... I miss the feedback and thought-provoking comments...I miss the thinking...Don't miss the trolls at all though...It feels akward to be reading wonderful emails and comments though and NOT responding to each of you...Feels really really shitty so please know I do appreciate it and will do my best to respond once I am actually in Hawaii and only dealing with the next priority which of course is... finding a job.

    So now we have the finishing up of the packing, the final shipment should go Friday June 3rd, Aloha Sale on Saturday and Sunday next week where all furniture and stuff not bought or given away will be donated on Monday the 6th. We take the car down to be shipped on the 7th and we fly out the 7th. My first plan is to get a driver's license on the 8th as well as get a library card. Then comes looking for work....That is as far as I can really go right now...

    Nethan has an appointment with a Ped. GI Dr. Claire Wilson in Hawaii on July 5th...I am guessing and/or hoping she will help decide further about surgery for Nethan...I personally think doing it now while he is only 2 and I am off of work makes a great deal of sense. His pain is much more noticeable and distressing now ... He can make the sign for pain and it is heartbreaking when he is writhing in pain to see him telling us himself that he HURTS...

    Mahalo again for checking back in with us... the support means a great great deal...Really is helping me...

Project Aloha-Day 12...The "Happy 42 to Me" Edition

Oh the faithful shall check and check again? I welcome you back and have posted this early morning so you can wish me a Happy Birthday! Yes that day has come...Marcia was lovely enough to remember and I hope if the Wide Awakes crowd has not completely forsaken me they will also stop by to wish me well...or Chis over at the new Conservative Thinking who is also I believe in the midst of moving... Well here is the scoop.. and yes I most certainly will be enjoying a scoop of some very very very very very chocolate ice cream tonight after  my birthday bash for the four of us at Chuck E Cheese's....

• I think I will slap the next person or at least most definitely want to slap the next person who asks me if I am excited about the move to Hawaii...
• this is not excitement... this is fear...fear and craziness..... I am scared... I love my job... I love it... I am scared to leave.... I have had more thoughts of being worried I am doing the wrong thing than being excited and convinced I am doing the right thing...I think I felt very similiar feelings before I headed off to Japan and that was one of the best things I ever did... I do believe it is the best thing to do if not the right thing to do.. or is is I think it is the right thing to do if not the best thing to do... Hard to quite completely sort it out...I do know I am quite miserable right now between my mother being here and reminding me what a fuck up I am and all I have to do and haven't done... and but of course how silly I am that this is the of course the right thing to do... (she has never had to look for a job... she has never been the sole support for two small children...and if anything she has always been the one being a bitch to my grandma and not the other way around...)
• Yes...my mom is  a help... Not quite sure how... but I know she is... well she is supposed to be...right?????She is ...but she is also a  big weight and very draining emotionally to have anyone around right now besides the boys...I am hoping that living with her when I don't or won't need her to help will be easier or at least tolerable...Hard to tell someone that the world would run a lot more easily if they didn't share every single thought that entered their mind...or at least it seems difficult to tell her that in a nice way!!!! I know I could be commenting on many things she says and does and things she doesn't DO...but I just say a silent prayer....
• Still a ways to go in the packing...the boys will be very nicely set with regards to toys...but I myself have shipped almost nothing for myself...Funny and interesting to be at a place in life where my books mean a great deal more to me than my clothes...and of course that I think of taking every Lego piece Bryceton has ever owned before even looking at my own possessions...

    I really am hitting a place where I miss  blogging.... I miss it... It isn't a thing I feel guilty doing even though you all know my mom hates my blogging and hates my computer time...it just is there is so much to do and I am on the go every single moment or physically exhausted... Tonight I did stay up to watch American Idol.... If you recall... I did pick Carrie as my early favorite a long while back... I would have been happy with either Bo or Carrie winning so I didn't even vote....Well thanks for checking in... I still can't do much emailing back to people... just reading and smiling that I am being thought of and missed and will have readers to come back to in a few weeks...and then deleting with a great deal of guilt....I do look forward to really sharing more of my thoughts... and thank you for hanging in here with me....
Mahalo
and Aloha!

Project Aloha-Day 16...The "Yes, I am Busy" Edition

I have little doubt I will be able to actually respond to all the wonderful e-mails I see in my email box. Yes...the final phase of Project Aloha has jumped into hyper drive as the following happened:

• My Mother arrived on the 17th...you may recall she does not look kindly upon my blogging and/or computer time...
• Nethan had an appointment with Dr. Bole a reserach geneticist at CHELLA: This explains what he indeed thinks is going on with not only Nethan but myself and many of the women in my family. Crystal Clear this needs a great deal more research by myself before I completely sign on but right now my gut says Yes,,,,which also means that a surgery to use a washout technique is highly likely in Nethan's near future as soon as I figure out a couple things.
• The first load of stuff to be shipped was picked up on Friday...it was not a good experience. I had no idea it would be such a shakedown experience...I will be better prepared for this coming Friday....
• Afterwards we celebrated by my Mom shopping at the outlet malls and Bryceton and I went and saw the Star Wars Episode III...as I had imagined.... I fell asleep through the middle part...what part I saw... and I am certain I will be seeing it again...was pretty darn good...
• Moving sale yesterday...:Ugh...I believe there is just one more sell it and give it all away sale in my life on the 3rd and 4th of June...and I don't think I will ever, ever, EVER have another one...However, I have come to an appreciation of  garage sales being a complete boon to shoppers! I believe in Hawaii, with my dad to watch the boys on Saturday mornings... my mom and I will start making the rounds to garage sales in Hawaii... I had some great stuff and people got some great  deals... I think I gave away as much as I sold....

    There you have it... I have no idea how soon the next post will be or how many readers I'll end up  with me by the time I make it to Hawaii...I do know I greatly appreciate the support I receive as I hastily read through emails and get a great laugh and smile at the comments...so yes please keep it up...Mahalo and Aloha!

Project Aloha-Day 22...the 'Holy Shiznit" edition

Only 3 minutes till work starts...so this will have to wait...
UPDATED :Now here for my lunch hour. This morning I finally faxed off the necessary information to Chrysler to get a letter saying it is okay for me to ship the car to Hawaii. One client cancelled. With my other client I ended up spending 25 minutes on hold to file a suspected child abuse report. Filing this report was a no brainer...father has a history of abuse, restraining order against him by ex-wife, and he is living with his mother who is an elderly woman who actually witnessed the alleged abuse and didn't call the police...Now I am back and going to move onto writing about Greer and a bit about what I have learned about the Florida Judicial Qualifications Commission. Eating would probably be a better idea but if I eat I will most definitely want to take a nap...

Project Aloha-Day 25...The 'Simplify' Edition

     By the end of yesterday it became Crystal Clear, at least to me, that as many parents of young children will recognize, whining often comes from children when they are tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. I was three for three on that one and regressed as I would expect most any child to do. No, I am not a child, but please don't expect me to go off and spend my limited time and energy on explaining it.

    So after a highly useful conversation with a colleague who is also currently facing and enduring "The Change", I came up with the following:

• I am going to skip a few yard sales and donate the majority of items. The physical enegy and time involved does not match up with the couple hundred dollars I will probably receive. The need for cash is so great I was getting caught up in that but the cost to get that cash is costing me and the kids far too much.
  • the relief that came from that decision was almost tangible. Once again I really have no clue as the weight of somethings until I  drop it or let it go.

• It is Ok and necessary for me to continue to spend fun/empty time with the kids. Nethan's acting up was a clue and it was ridiculous to even try to ignore it. Talk about a mom being caught up in self-absorption. He and I are going through what we call the "rapprochement phase". There should not be guilt when it comes to the kids...even though I get as much or more than I give..
  
  • Last night after dinner, we skipped bath time and I spent time schnuggling,laughing, and playing around with Nethan. Bryceton put on a Star Wars movie and the enjoyment and love in the home was once again at a renewing and wonderful level. I also listened to my own body and it was sleep I needed and not just vegging or blogging. Nethan and I collapsed together on the couch in sweet slumber. Bryceton woke us up at the end of Star Wars. Everyone received a full night of sleep.

    This morning I feel just about a 100% better. I don't believe my hormonal challenges are going to be able to adequately be addressed before leaving  for Hawaii. I am going to try to keep that in perspective and try to extend some compassion to myself. Just as the transition through adolescence was fraught with tons of angst, discomfort, and self-discovery so it seems shall be the transitition to being the crone or wise woman.

Project Aloha-Day 26...The 'I am a Whining Baby' edition

     So just how much time do you think I should I allow myself on a daily basis to just re-group and replenish myself a.ka. vegging?

    I know it is a real stretch to extend any sympathy to someone who is moving to Hawaii... After all I remember teasing my mom about the same thing when they were moving. Today just seems to be getting off to a very rough start. I suppose I have the ten minutes I could try to tackle at least part of my desk to find some important paperwork...but instead I think about likely only making a bigger mess AND being more frustrated and thus I sit here stream of consciously blogging. I feel so overwhelmed and angry. There really isn't much reason to feel angry I think I am just exhausted and it goes to the default of anger. I have had to wash Nethan's sheets everyday for the past three days. I am tired. He is not sleeping well and is having a tantrum every single morning when I try to get him ready to go. I don't get angry with him but later when we are scrambling to get out the door I feel like a raving lunatic...Enough whining? I am a whiner and I hate that about myself ...but sometimes it helps...Trouble is I can never quite figure out which times it is going to be useful to whine and which times it just sends me down in a further tailspin. I know it is all going to get done as much as it is possible and whatever doesn't get done just won't get done....So trying to remember that and stop beating up too much on myself. Just being a single working mom can be exhausting... I have definitely upped the ante now with the move across the ocean. When I sat down to post this I had the intention to write a list of the things I absolutley wanted to accomplish today to get them down and out of my head and then be able to come back and check them off as accomplished...well now it is time to head to the office in fact I am late...so that is not going to happen...Whoaaaa is me....

Project Aloha-Day 32...The 'How the Hell Did I Finally Get so Much Done When I Feel so Awful?' Edition

I am not joking. This flu bug is brutal. Nevertheless, I am quite pleased I finally accomplished the following:

• Reservation to ship car
• Spoke with Chrysler Financial about what I need to do to get the required letter from them to ship the car.
• Typed up the required information to fax and now just need copy of my insurance and driver's license and 5 references to call them to vouch for me.
• Set appt at drop off spot on 7th after working backwards trying to guesstimate how long to get to LAX and how long spent there and yadda yadda yadda.

• Started process to transfer car insurance to Progressive in Hawaii. Tried to see if I could schedule an appointment ahead of time with Hawaii DMV to get new driver's license but no such luck. Insurance goes up a negligible amount which is actually somewhat of a relief because I hadn't considered it might have skyrocketed.
  

• Reservations for two separate 100 cubic feet shipments. They will come out on 5/20 and load the first one. If I need to send a 2nd shipment they will come back a week later, if not I will cancel it and get the deposit back. This seemed the easiest way because I really am not certain how much I want or need to ship and the Spring rates go up to Summer rates very soon.

• Completed 6 more on-line CE units necessary to renew my license by May 31. This is a really stupid last minute waste of my time but I wasn't aware until a few weeks ago that a large chunk of CE units I remembered taking regarding Reactive Attachment Disorder was actually accomplished in the same month I renewed last time and so they don't count...UGH...so spending time to accomplish units to renew a license I won't most likely ever need again...Definitely not worth losing it though and not really worth it to move to inactive status...

    Sure doesn't look like a whole lot in print but sure feels like a ton of weight. Unfortunately there are still a few big tasks I still need to attack and they are my least favorites...Of course they involve money and the lack of it....Hmmm ...will first make lunch for Bryceton as he stayed  home...I think I, myself, just might be able to stomach a bagel...

Project Aloha-Day 32..."Easier to be Poor?" Edition

If you are wondering how I have come up with a plethora of posts in the past few hours...well it has to do with dealing with one seriously suicidal teen and a 2nd manipulative teen feigning suicidality to get admitted to the psych hospital to be with the first teen who was 5150d after taking off immediately upon learning he was going to be hospitalized. These sorts of incidents are not uncommon. I don't blog about them much because there are many factors just like I hinted at in a few posts about the behind the scenes issues dealing with foster teens.

    I have ended up  at 2:09 am on  Cinco de Mayo, which offensively enough to me is a HOLIDAY for my company, because during a treatment team meeting this morning I received a phone call from the school nurse that Bryceton wasn't feeling well. Bryceton loves school and malingering isn't within his coping mechanisms at least yet so I dashed over to pick him up. Within 2 hours I myself came down with what seems to be the same virus and ended up in bed for the rest of the afternoon. That lengthy nap has brought on some insomnia and thus here I sit. Not quite well enough to take on Quicken but now ill enough to sleep well.

    In the span of time when I was just coughing and sniffling and feeling nauseous I tried to deal with some Project Aloha issues. Having finally spoken with Dr. Derdoy about Nethan, I was moved to look further into health insurance coverage for the boys and myself. I first looked into family health insurance since we will all need coverage as I will be without a job when we hit the island. I spent a great amount of time and energy ...or at least an hour or so...and several phone calls to learn the following:

• Hawaiians are noticeably and comparatively far more pleasant and far more helpful than Mexifornians in similiar clerical positions
• I must completely exhaust my COBRA coverage (18 mo.) before I can buy coverage in Hawaii and get coverage for pre-existing conditions. If I just want to apply for coverage (at least in the case of Blue Cross/Blue Shield) I must be a Hawaii resident for 6 months.
  • The kicker is going to be that I believe my COBRA payments are going to be several hundred dollars a month...yes just for ME..I am calling HR on Monday to find out what the cost is and when I will first be responsible for payment.
• The boys as they are NOT part of my emplyer plan are immediately covered under a very limited plan for either
  • $52.50 each a month &/or
  • Quest the Medi-cal equivalent is very likely more possible than a PAID policy...but will take a 45-60 day processing time.
  • Seems like there is basically no such thing as pre-existing condition when it comes to kids...so worries about Nethan are minimal... or even non-existent. In fact, it might be better for me financially for him to get the muscle biopsy or more testing or major surgery when I am NOT working than if I have a job...Morally, and in a weird way I can't quite put my finger on right now,.. I find this very upsetting and wrong. For a very long time I have been a strong proponent of Univeral Health Care coverage...but it still blows my  mind, as a largely Conservative woman, that the government would be a part of taking care of this situation...

    Ok...now 2:43...Nethan is coughing and crying...he may not have missed the bug...

Project Aloha-Day 34...The 'You Really Like Me' Edition

I am quite relieved I didn't post my to-do list for Monday on Sunday's edition. I am just awful at consistently underestimating how long things will take to get accomplished. What an embarrassment. For about 10 must do items on my list I only accomplished 3 of them completely and 2 of them partially. Today I accomplished the following:

• Told my boss-
• For some reason I had not even thought about her response or the clinic's response to me leaving. After a discussion with my previous boss who still works at the clinic, he encouraged me to ask for a leave of absence and believed the clinic would  do right by me. Frankly I really thought the clinic would be greatly relieved to be rid of me. I am one of 2 therapists who are on a salary with benefits basis. All of the other therapists are on an hourly basis with no benefits at all.
• I was a bit taken aback and quite moved by her response. At the end of our conversation she actually came from around her desk to give me a HUG. For all the years I have known her, I have never seen her exhibit a spontaneous kind emotion. I don't deal with her very often but my experience is by no means unique to me. She has extremely flat affect and is extremely difficult to engage in any dialogue. In summary, things could not have gone better. They are going to pay me my vacation time on my last day AND I am welcomed back AT ANY POINT IN TIME in the future. That is really something. It was quite Crystal Clear to me she was very sorry to see me go and really wishes me and my boys the very best. I also had no clue as to how much holding in telling the clinic I am leaving has been weighing on me. I felt as if 10,000 pounds had been lifted off of me when I headed back to my office. I still am not quite clear on what happens regarding my health insurance but this was a wonderful way to begin my exit out the doors I entered 10 years ago.

•     Told the group home teens-
• This alone could be an entire post by itself. You might be surprised to know the teen boys took my leaving much harder than the teen girls. This is a very touchy and difficult experience for most clients let alone foster kids who have had to constantly deal with issues of loss and abandonment for their entire lives. I am pretty certain I am quite the anomaly as far as a therapist and Clinical Director for group home teens. I have been with the CARE group homes for almost 6 years. Frankly, most therapists can not hang and just do not enjoy working with this population. I believe most therapist like to work with people who want to participate in therapy. We most enjoy working with people who want to and can make changes in their lives. These kids can be and generally are quite brutal when you start working with them. I myself when I first started working with them used to leave the facilities feeling completely poisoned. That is even the word I used back then. Poisoned. Poisoned, poisoned, poisoned. I am a pretty tough cookie and I really didn't think I was going to be able to make it. I used to come home, take a shower, and bitch and moan to anyone who  would listen. I started seriously looking for a job almost immediately when I was assigned to the group homes. It took about 3 1/2  months to get into the swing of things and really come to appreciate the opportunity I was presented. If you haven't guessed by now... I now embrace the situation and the work. I often have thoughts that perhaps I didn't end up as a stay-at-home mom because I was meant to work and meant to work with this very challenging population of angry and hurting teens. Oh the times still come when I wonder about the work I do and try to do...those times actually come quite often...Whether I am grandiose or not in the perception of my work with these kids...I do know I have tried my absolute best. Without a single doubt, I have tried my very very best and I know in my heart and have heard with my very own ears... I have most definitely made a difference in more than a handful of lives.

• Told Scott, Bryceton's classroom teacher on Fridays, I would not be able to volunteer on Fridays any longer.
  
  • This was actually one of the hardest phone calls to make. I don't get paid for this work but it is a commitment I made not only to Bryceton but his classmates and Scott as well. The flyer that came home yesterday about the upcoming classroom campout on the 19th  really slapped me out of my overwhelmedness. I had really thought until this past weekend I might be able to swing the beach campout. I hate camping but Bryceton loves it and I know it makes memories for a lifetime. But when I really thought about all I have to do...largely by my lonesome over the next 34 days... I felt  I really needed the time on those Fridays. Bryceton took it quite well and Scott was wonderful. He hoped and asked we might be able to make at least part of the campout events He reassured me I have been "there" more than I haven't and he was very understanding and supportive. What a relief. I hate letting people down and I really hate hate hate breaking commitments I make. Really disturbs me on a profound level. If I don't have my word...what do I have..? That is guilt I will just have to bear and try to learn from...

    So there you have it. I think I have spent so much time worrying about all that has to be done to get the hell out of here that I have stupidly and am stupidly missing out on something very important in life outside my beloved sons. I have been so consumed with myself and the boys that I have somehow lost knowing and feeling I actually mean something to the other people in my life. I am actually ashamed and freaked out it still is not completely registering with me how important I am to some people. How sad it is that it takes my leaving for people who care for me and for people I do care for to realize we at some earlier point in time created and achieved something heartfelt and amazing. Having written that last sentence... I still am struck by the thought I can't quite grasp meaning much to anyone besides Bryceton and Nethan. I am not saying I don't believe it ...Last week I knew my blog would be "missed"...or I think I knew it would matter to a few...I just am going to really give more of this some thought and would like to invite you to do the same.

    Thinking about your own experience of feeling your life has meaning to people in your own life, do you feel it ? Do you know it? If so...Please share with me how you feel it and how you know it.

Project Aloha-Day 36...The There Have Been Things to Do Edition

    Mahalo to Beth for doing such an outstanding job of minding the place while I have been away and quite busy. I knew I could count on her to keep you amused, entertained, and of course thinking...while I was away with Nethan.

    Nethan had the tests mentioned in this post. As I am back to trying to get accustomed to this POS keyboard I am directing you there instead of trying to type the darn things again. In a strange good way and strange bad way, the tests did seem to show nothing obviously wrong with Nethan. After the tests, Nethan had a very hard time coming out of the anesthesia. He is back to being his lovable and charming and otherwise highly opinionated self now but it was not very easy the rest of Thursday or the past two nights.

    Dr. Derdoy actually asked when he was telling us about what he saw and what might be going on with Nethan if the neurologist had ever considered a muscle biopsy or had Nethan ever had a muscle biopsy with regards to his hypotonia and ruling out any myotonia. I just about reached over and slapped him upside the head as I have been asking about a muscle biopsy for a year. Of course I just in my quite direct manner reminded him the original biopsy for Hirschsprung's Disease was DELAYED last June because we were thinking it would be best to do both biopsies at once but neither of the neurologists believed it was necessary. After again repeating how Nethan is doing so well on the Miralax gaining weight and growing, as far as how to proceed, Dr. Derdoy was not Crystal Clear at all. He again mentioned referring us back to Dr. Shin the surgeon regarding some surgery where they use Nethan's appendix and we would irrigate his bowel once a day. This is a hard one for me as I can't imagine Nethan having something like that forever...BUT I also can't imagine him going on like this with the Miralax forever either. I can't potty train him like this...can you imagine sending him to Kindergarten or school in diapers in another three years?

    As for Project Aloha...       

Project Aloha-Day 43...The 'Even the hair on my head hurts' Edition

This is a major life and blogging rant so just move on along if you are any ethical or unethical internet wannabe researcher. Speaking of which, if you have any interest in learning more about the unethical research that was conducted using my blog without my permission, I have  invited said perpetrator and/or his class to use my bandwidth to fully disclose their research while I am away later this week when Nethan has his test at CHELLA. Frankly, I do believe we are entitled, as  most ethical researchers would agree, with a full debriefing.  Definitely could be interesting blogging. As many of us know,  curiosity may have killed the cat but satisfaction brought him back.

    That having been said, I have to say that recent events have really led me to question why I even bother blogging. Even further reflection upon my career and the odds stacked against myself and others who truly seek to improve the lives of foster teens has me questioning just about everything in life. There are some behind the scene issues regarding a few of the teens I work with that would make your hair curl if you have any and would leave you shaking your head in disgust. When I had a nanny last year I remember learning that whereas I usually give most people the benefit of the doubt and just assume they are lazy and not necessarily stupid... I learned in many situations, many times, many people are just frankly stupid. Opening up my blog to Blog Explosion and other traffic exchanges has just seemed to drive that point home to me...time and time again. No, before you get your self in an uproar and write me to tell me you are not going to read me any longer and how I am so terribly arrogant,  I am not talking about my blog readers or the commentators who disagree with my opinions on my blog. I am really honestly writing about my experience of the gross amount of stupidity that surrounds me regarding a few situations. A few situations I don't want to get into at this moment on my blog. Crystal Clear, I do wonder what the hell people are thinking and are they really that stupid or are they lazy or inept or evil. No, I honestly never get these feelings or thoughts when I am with a client of any age. Stupid people just don't seem to make it into my office or stay for very long if they just want their hand held and  confirmation it is everyone elses' fault their life is screwed. In working with me the biggest must is a sense of goodwill. I really am going to do my damnedest to help you help yourself. I extend myself a great deal with my clients and in a different way I have extended myself in the blogosphere. The frustrations and stupidity that come along with being a therapist are a factor in the job part of the career. Fine. I am having one of those periods of time. These periods pass. A few stupid police officers, a few stupid social workers, a few stupid probation officers, a sprinkling of stupid judges, many stupid laws and well I will have a period such as this again. The logosphere is a different thing all together. Just what the hell is in this for me any longer...I really could not tell you at this moment in time. I have always had a great many topics I have wanted to write about and I still do... I just don't get much of a sense of it really being worth it tonight. I have not had this eperience before even when  I was being accused of being racist! I am hoping and guessing it is just a sign of my emotional and physical ehaustion from all the changes I am facing. I know I logged for myself before and for the mother &/or mothers I anticipated that might want to read about Nethan and the eperiences we have had to go through but I am not certain if that is even worth all this angst right now. Just not certain. To top it off now there is something screwy with my keyboard and the last row of keys on the bottom left side ecept c and v are not working! Thank goodness for spell-check!

Project Aloha-Day 44

    This pic is of Bryceton from 2002 at Kailua Beach. I figured I would keep up with that reminding myself what we have to look forward to as we pack, toss, and donate away.

    I would like to spend sometime sharing some of my thoughts about unwittingly being a participant in research but this time on the weekends is too precious to spend on the computer.

    The work I have done the past day or so has been more behind the scenes stuff that comes to mind that I need and want to take care of before we arrive in Oahu. For example, Chapter 51, Provision of Appropriate Educational Programs and Opportunities for Exceptional Children Who are Gifted and Talented .I sent for an admissions packet to this school for Bryceton. The testing necessary to get him in is worthwhile if only so I have the knowledge and information to use in the realm of public school. No I don't have the tuition money BUT you must be accepted before they will discuss financial aid. Thus it is worth a shot.

    I haven't posted pictures of the mess yet because I can't remember where the camera is...maybe by the end of the day or weekend I will find it. Until then, please check out some of the many fine blogs on my Crystal Clear Reads as well as The Wide Awakes and of course Round the Reader the Weekend Edition by ISOU .

    Plans are to update later...we shall see...Until then enjoy your weekend and get out from behind that computer! The rain seems to have missed us here and it is beautiful outside...

Project Aloha-Day 47

    Just keep plodding along... a bag of clothes to donate here...a box of Legos to take there...Work was  again very difficult today and very draining. I didn't follow up on issues regarding shipping the car or finding the site I am still looking for regarding shipping our stuff. Tomorrow morning should provide a bit of opportunity for both tasks.

Project Aloha-Day 48

    Yikes...the exhilaration of the decision and purchasing tickets has faded and I am now dealing with panic, exhaustion, aching muscles, and a home we can't walk through.

    I am hoping someone will help with this predicament: What the heck should I do with all the wedding photographs and the wedding album? Do I toss them? Do I leave them to store in Phoenix for a bit longer?

    This is my lunch time, so I don't have a great deal of guilt about blogging right now. I am frustrated in that when I was first searching for shipping rates, I found a site giving rates for a partial container but figured I would remember how I found it and didn't bookmark it. Now of course I can't for the life of me, find it! UGH. The more I try to remember the search terms I used, the more frustrated I become. Ok...deep breaths... Enjoy the process...or at least don't fall apart completely yet.

Project Aloha-Day 49

That darn thing called a day job. It was HELL today... I  am not going to go into it...but it was  not a good one. Did buy the trashbags and filled a few up with clothes to donate. Onwards to tomorrow which is technically today since it is 12:51 a.m...

Project Aloha Day 50

Was already up and making breakfast when received the "GET MOVING" phonecall from my dad at 8:38 a.m. We discussed the boxes of heirloom "stuff" that must make their way back to storage in Phoenix. At this point it looks like he will be over here the first of June to help with taking the valued can-not-bear-to-part-with-stuff back to Phoenix and last minute stuff such as dropping off the car in Long Beach and then taking us to LAX. So onwards...50 days...sounds more frightening than exciting right now. I promise pics in the update later tonight. Then you won't feel so badly about your own cluttered home.
UPDATE: 11:11 pm/ Have had several maragaritas. Hard to post. Spoke with him. .What else can I say...difficult... very difficult..Adds drama, No? Will see him before I go... heavy sigh...stilll have feelings even if I know it can NOT be...

Day 51

    It is so amsuing to read comments and emails from readers and blogosphere friends who are acting as if moving to Hawaii is somehow moving away from you all....Cute stuff you guys... Actually if anything I will be blogging more through this time! My dad has a computer with cable and I will have my Treo600 phone with a keyboard...so blogging will continue...I really think if anyone ever wants to visit or meet me in person that Hawaii is a far better place than LA. That being said... I think I would most certainly have to make a trip back to LA to be sitting in the Jeopardy audience in support of Jimmie...I mean after all I am a Sundries Shack babe through and through and wouldn't want to let him down...ever.

    We all slept in today which is of course a good thing and bad thing...Now it is 9:30 and I still need to feed the kids before beginning the tossing and separating for Operation Aloha. My mind is a bit overwhelmed as I start to wonder whether we can send the plastic bins in the shipping container or whether they have to be actual cardboard boxes...Bryceton is of course wanting to take each and every Lego creation he has ever made... I myself of course lovingly look at all my books...Will update later as day progresses or concludes...So people...please realize...my beloved blog readers...nothing really changes except you are going toactually get more of Crystal Clear ...just perhaps a bit less in the political and social relevance categories...

UPDATE: Now 9:55 p.m... I am exhausted and have run the full gamut of feelings today. I really do not know how I am going to do all of this in 51  50 days. On the one hand I feel like I hit pay dirt when I happened upon a box of clothing saved from when Bryceton was 2 years old and filled with many Hawaiian outfits... adorable.As I am s-t-r-a-p-p-e-d for cash and Nethan needs clothes, this really made me smile. However, there were more hours where I just shook my head in disgust at how many toys and how much shit I have purchased we have never used. Feeling quite grateful though I didn't take it out on Bryceton with a bad bitchy attitude. In fact, Bryceton  has actually been a pretty good  fair helper. Of course it is quite the challenge for him to not stop and play with every single thing his little paws touch and to tear him away from the bubble wrap. As far as Nethan, well think of a magnificent maze and a true discovery and exploration zone for him! He was cruising all around the garage and driveway. He happened upon Bryceton's scooter and skateboard and used each for quite a while. He was filthy by the end of the day.

    Definitely decided, although it is an embarassing mess in this place, Crystal Clear it is an understandable chaos, and it might be quite fun to see it in pictures every few days to see how much progress I have made in Project Aloha. Well at least it might be fun to see it at the end. So check back tomorrow for pics. As far as changes in my ongoing plans, I have decided it would probably be best to put the garage sale off until the first weekend in May. I have heard the first weekend of the month is the best time to have a garage sale as people have more money. Also gives me two more weekends. It also looks like it would probably be a good idea to make a final trip to Phoenix to say goodbye to my grandparents and to leave some of the sentimental  heirloom stuff from my great grandma in storage there. Tomorrow will again be spent on the garage, trying to set stuff to ship aside from stuff to sell and donate. Bryceton will be in charge of packing the videos and DVDs we are going to take.  Nethan will be in charge of the cuteness factor.

Not Sure I am Surprised or Not...

Via HonoluluGasPrices.com :

    And to even spice things up a bit... the website doesn't have Costco gas listed which is always cheaper than the cheapest AND where I live in Ventura is even more expensive than Los Angeles...I bought gas yesterday for $2.67....

52 Days

    This is the deal, I spend a great deal of personal time blogging. It is a passion that seems to wax and wane but is always there. I appreciate readers who agree and disagree. I also greatly appreciate the support and feedback regarding personal issues which is part of the reason I blog about issues of personal relevance as well as social relevance. To keep me on track as well as  motivated and supported, I have decided to journal about the upcoming move to Oahu under the new category of Adios Mexifornia...Aloha Hawaii. This way I figure people who want to just keep up with what is going on and how much I am freaking out or how excited I am will be able to visit and just click on the category to get caught up to speed.

    First thing I realized after I bought the tickets Tuesday night was how scared I am about this move and how huge a risk it seems. You probably don't know this about me but after graduating from Thunderbird in 1988, I moved to Japan all by myself. I didn't know a soul when I headed over there. I did have a job lined up teaching ESL, which I didn't end up taking as the pay and conditions were not as good as the job I found with a different company as a  Cross-Cultural Communications Consultant, but I wasn't as scared as I am now. I ended up doing just fine and it was truly one of the best things I ever did in my life. A year later I moved back to the USA to Cincinnatti to get married to the Rat Bastard I ended up divorcing in 1992. In 1991 things were already seriously rotten in the marriage. We were supposed to relocate to Hong Kong but I was caught between going with him and going to Pepperdine for my Psy.D in Psychology. I ended up doing a mish mash of both by initially going with him and then coming to Ca and decided to just pursue the MA in Clinical Psych.  Within about 6 weeks of arriving in Ca, I was attending grad school full-time, working 4 part time jobs, pursuing a divorce, and sleeping on a friend's couch. When I ran out of student loan money 7 months later and was told by the friend I needed to find a new place to stay, I returned to Hong Kong with half a heart to reconciliate with the Rat Bastard and a brain that knew it wasn't ever going to work. Fortunately, it was all for the good as I worked as adjunct faculty at a business college and did a bit of traveling in China and the Phillipines.

    I returned to grad school and the divorce was final in January 1992. I was fortunate in that one of the jobs I left took me back full-time and I picked up two of the other mental health jobs on a very consistent fill-in basis (often meant graveyard shifts after full day of work and school). As a part of my grad program I also had to have an internship which was basically another 20 hour PT job with absolutely no pay at all. It was never easy,  but I loved becoming and being a psychotherapist.

    Crystal Clear there are big differences now. I now have two sons and a great deal more responsibility and debt. Also as my father reminded me, I am a great deal smarter!  Fortunately this time, my parents are a part of the safety net and I have a great deal more professional experience.

     In a quirky kind of personal reflection probably meant as an attempt to calm me and as a reminder to have complete faith, I remembered the times when virtually no one supported me going to Japan and the flack I received from virtually everyone for going back to grad school to become a therapist as I already had an MBA. I was definitely scared and gave a great deal of thought to both decisions, but I knew they were the right thing to do. Perhaps somewhat strange, but the decision to have a child via anonymous donor didn't get as much criticism as those two choices. I knew  absolutely both times in each and every cell of my body that not only did I want to go to Japan and want to pursue being a therapist, but I needed to do them and they were "on my path" so to speak. 

    So here I sit. Again I am scared. In previous times of change and upheaval, I did journal as part of the process. This time I blog. This time I invite readers along for the journey and transformational process. I am anticipating, with good reason I believe, I will have useful feedback and support. I know I most certainly will appreciate each and every comment. Will you be joining me?

    As a sort of brain dump at times you may want to skip parts as I just try to stream-of-conscious style get down my thoughts and things I need to do. I am also hoping writing it down here will also be a way to hold myself accountable and motivate me. My plan is to work on this move and pack and then blog about what I have and have not accomplished. Very much what I encourage my life coaching clients to do with regards to setting SMART goals.

    Here is a start at some of the items I am thinking of:

• Shipping the car
  • research & choose company, get the letter from the lender ok-ing me to take the car to Hi.
  • decide whether to have it done door-to-door or to drive to LB and take shuttle to LAX
• Figure out what size of container we are going to need to ship all items we are keeping
  • At Sam's today purchased bubble wrap but forgot to buy large size trash bags.
• Go through garage this weekend and put all stuff for yard sale to one side.
  • don't forget to run ad, tell neighbors, and put up signs
  Shoot this reminded me I need to go make the reservations for the hotel down near CHELLA for when Nethan has the tests on the 28th...